Excerpts from “An Outline History of the Holy Communist Empire,” Section 63 of One Hundred and One Historical Outlines (Junior Academic Books, 2184):
The Holy Communist Empire (Russia under the Communist dynasty, 1917-1995)…succeeded Romanov dynasty in…quickly moved to reestablish orderly despotism after an eight-month interregnum of democracy and other anarchically unRussian political forms…adopted state religion of Leninist Communism (cf. Section 60 “Major Judeo-Christian Religious Variants”)…religious fervor had been stimulated by usual proto-industrialization factors (cf. Sections 81 “Iran” and 95 “Botswana”)…soon began to ossify and had lapsed into totally empty ritual by…
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Major Monarchs of the Communist Dynasty:
Lenin the Good—Founded Communist religion and dynasty; universally beloved among his subjects, primarily because he was felled by a stroke soon after establishing his power throughout the Empire; sometimes said to have been poisoned by his successor Stalin.
Stalin the Terrible—Ruthless in his ambition, terrible in his anger, awesome in the number of his victims, triumphant in his victories; took as role models his predecessors Ivan the Terrible and Peter the Great, exceeding the former in paranoia and the latter in brutality; undoubtedly the greatest of the Holy Communist Emperors.
Krushchev the Crude—Banged his shoe on the desk of a United Nations podium; forced to abdicate by his embarrassed associates.
Brezhnev the Ill—According to rumor, plagued by attacks of heart disease, cancer, liver disorder, TB, kidney malfunction, psoriasis, leprosy, gout, and herpes; owned over one hundred international luxury and sports cars; never learned to drive.
Andropov the Brief—Succeeded to the throne by promises of vigor, determination, energy, and the will to smash all obstacles to social reform; spent two-thirds of his reign in a coma.
Chernenko the Dull—Originally served as personal valet to Brezhnev; obtained throne by promising a policy of laziness, corruption, cronyism, and cautiously pragmatic dozing; caused many subjects to long for a return to the strong leadership of the Andropov coma period.
Gorbachev the Well-intentioned—First of the Holy Communist Emperors to have been born under Communism; also known as Gorbachev the Apostate for his partial disavowal of the state religion and his attempt at a radical reformation of the stagnant creed; both these attempts and his efforts at long-overdue economic reforms were blocked by the entrenched high Communist nobility and petty Rougeoisie; murdered in a palace coup following the Empire’s defeat in the First Russo-Korean War of 1994-5; his death began the civil war marking the downfall of the Communist dynasty.
Romanov the Greedy, Foltasin the Cruel, Borisovich the Bad—High Communist noblemen who seized control of Moscow and were proclaimed Emperor, only to be overthrown and killed in turn during 1995, “The Year of the Five Emperors.”
The Revolution of 1995:
Following the military disasters of 1995 and the murder of the Emperor Gorbachev, the Empire dissolved into anarchy as most subject peoples in Europe and Asia seized the opportunity for revolt. The loyal Russified provinces of the Imperial heartland also slipped into disorder as leading Communist nobles destroyed each other in civil war; several powerful Communist princes and army marshals also made attempts to seize Moscow and the disputed throne.
Then during the height of the turmoil on April 3, 1995, the popular author and political exile Alexander Solzhenitsyn together with a small band of devoted followers was secretly landed on the outskirts of Moscow by Korean helicopter. Sheltered by sympathetic peasants and members of the petty Rougeoisie, Alexander (afterwards called the Great) utilized cassette-recorded speeches to spread his message of nationalism, brotherhood, and hatred to the inhabitants of the capital city and the soldiers of the neighboring garrisons.
His activities were contemptuously ignored by the battling Communist oligarchs, whose private reports of this period only occasionally refer to “that crazy old writer;” but as the anarchy intensified during the summer, Alexander’s popular following rapidly grew.
Events reached a crescendo during the week of October 20, after a peace march by parents of soldiers still fighting on the Korean front was massacred in Red Square (“Bloody Sunday”); Alexanderite citizens seized control of the city and blockaded the forces loyal to the Emperor Borisovich the Bad in the Kremlin. Over the next three days, waves of citizens repeatedly attempted to storm the Communist stronghold only to be butchered by the well-armed elite troops of the Imperial Communist Guard (“Bloody Monday,” “Bloody Tuesday,” and “Bloody Wednesday”). Then on October 24, the demoralized Guard surrendered, the Kremlin was captured, and the erstwhile Emperor Borisovich hanged from the Lenin Monument; Alexander was proclaimed Lord Protector of Holy Russia.
Despite his advanced age (76), Alexander moved quickly and shrewdly to consolidate his power. Radio Moscow beamed his cleverly chosen slogans of “Peace, Land, Bread” throughout the country, and the power-bases of the great Communist lords of the provinces began to dissolve: peasants seized the “kolkhoz” and “sovkhoz” estates of the local Communist gentry; garrisons, fearful of being shipped to Korea, mutined and murdered their officers; and townsmen everywhere escalated their confrontation with the local nobility. Next, the wavering and legitimist Communist rank-and-file was won over by the brilliantly symbolic marriage of Alexander’s eldest son Yermolai (24) to Natasha (22), the only surviving child of Gorbachev, the last legitimate Communist Emperor. By such means, some elements of the Ancien Regime were won over, the feudal power-bases of the remainder were eroded, and the Solzhenitsyn dynasty secured its grip on the heartland provinces.
The difficult task of reconquering the subject peoples of the outlying provinces still lay ahead, and the intervention of Sino-Western military contingents was to add to the difficulties considerably; Czechoslavokia and Eastern Germany managed to win free, and Poland was resubjugated only after the most appalling bloodshed. For the further history of Russia, see the next Section “Russia under the Solzhenitsyn Dynasty, 1995-2134.”
For further reading consult:
- Lenin and the Bolsheviks, A. Ulam.
- Stalin, A. Ulam.
- Gorbachev and the Failure of Reform, A. Ulam and W. Ulam.
- Russia under the Ancien Regime, R. Pipes, Jr.
- The Russian Revolution of 1995, N. A. Romanov.