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Comrade Wilhelm II

East Berlin, East Germany.
The government of the German Democratic Republic (DDR) yesterday signalled the political rehabilitation of Wilhelm von Hohenzollern, a leading political figure from Germany’s pre-Communist period. Mr. von Hohenzollern, better known under his royal title of Kaiser Wilhelm II of Imperial Germany, was described in an official release as “a heroic popular leader of Germany’s workers and peasants in their historic struggle against the vile monopoly-capitalism of the imperialist powers led by Britain, France, and the United States.” The official statement went on to claim that although Mr. von Hohenzollern was of wealthy origins, he typified the best and most progressive elements of pre-Communist Germany and held an ideology which was “virtually proto-Communistic.” A monument to the late emperor will be erected along Karl Marx Plaza in East Berlin.

Mr. von Hohenzollern’s political rehabilitation comes as merely the latest in a series of dramatic rehabilitations in East German political history, including those of such men as Martin Luther, King Frederick the Great of Prussia, and Otto von Bismark. Foreign observers have suggested that these rehabilitations are intended to foster national sentiment among the citizens of the DDR.

There are unconfirmed reports that East Germany is also planning the political rehabilitation of Adolf Hitler some time in the near future.

 

No More Slavery?

Nouakchott, Mauritania.
The revolutionary government of Mauritania yesterday unveiled a series of sweeping social and economic decrees. Dr. Amoutour Hussein, Chairman of the People’s Democratic Marxist-Leninist Republic of Truly Socialist Mauritania (PDMLRTSM) announced the measures in a public ceremony attended by representatives of the diplomatic community and by dozens of interested Mauritanian citizens.

Henceforth, the practices of slavery, polygamy, private property, Islam, and corruption will be punishable by death within the borders of the PDMLRTSM. The decree castigates previous revolutionary governments of Mauritania for their hypocrisy in outlawing all of these activities officially while tacitly accepting their continued existence in actuality. The condemnation noted that Mauritanian slavery had been officially abolished no less than seven times in the last two decades.

Several of Dr. Hussein’s wives hosted a diplomatic reception following the proclamation.

 

Ballot Boxing

Riyad, Saudi Arabia.
Field Marshal President-for-Life Dr. Idi Amin Dada yesterday announced his plans to challenge Ronald Reagan for the Presidency of the United States. Speaking from exile in Saudi Arabia, the ex-dictator of Uganda claimed that the American President was in poor physical condition and would lose no later than the first round of any boxing bout for the title of U. S. President. “I’ll show that old cowboy what real boxing is like,” added the
Ugandan leader.

While in power, Dr. Amin once challenged his rival, President Julius Nyerere of Tanzania to a ten-round bout to settle disputed border claims between the two countries. Dr. Amin’s boxing career goes back to his days as a sergeant in the British East African Rifles, when he was regimental heavyweight champion.

 

Oops!

ORDER IT NOW

Bangkok, Thailand.
Phem Nem, a spokesman for the Khmer Rouge Cambodian government-in-exile yesterday announced that his regime plans the political rehabilitation of a large number of Cambodians mistakenly executed as counter-revolutionaries during the 1975-1979 reign of terror. Rehabilitated victims will each be posthumously awarded the Order of Extreme Redness, Second Class as partial compensation for their execution.

Foreign observers view the move as an attempt to improve relations between the Khmer Rouges and their non-Communist allies in the ongoing guerilla war being fought against the Vietnamese-supported regime currently ruling in Cambodia. The likely efficacy of this measure was doubted by several experts.

Rumors on the number of Cambodian victims to be rehabilitated vary, but a source in a Paris toy manufacturer claimed to have recently received an order for 2.7 million plastic badges signifying the Order of Extreme Redness, Second Class from a merchant based in Thailand.

The current population of Cambodia is estimated at 4.1 million.

 

Super-President

Los Angeles, USA.
A spokesman for Lucas Industrial Light and Magic, Inc., the noted American special-effects company yesterday announced the signing of a $500,000 contract with the government of President Mobutu Sese Seku of Zaire. Production will shortly begin on a series of videos featuring the President. These will include several showing the President flying through the air, transforming himself into a giant leopard, and emerging unscathed from a series of sword and spear attacks.

Foreign observers of Zaire speculate that President Mobutu plans to show these videos on Zairean television in order to enhance his prestige among the superstitious peasants of his backward country. They noted that Zairean television currently opens each daily broadcast with a film clip showing the President descending enhaloed from a stormy
sky.

President Mobutu recently unveiled plans to place at least one television set in each Zairean village by 1986.

 

Better Red and Dead?

St. George’s, Grenada.
In a sharp set-back for all established Grenadian political parties, the Grenadian people yesterday overwhelmingly elected Maurice Bishop as their new president. Mr. Bishop, a popular hero and founder of the New Jewel Movement, led Grenada from 1979 until 1983, when he was overthrown and killed by hard-line marxist rivals in his party just prior to the U. S. invasion. As a write-in candidate, Mr. Bishop received 86.8% of the votes cast to 6.3% for Markham Smith, the candidate of the Official New Jewel Movement (Marxist-Leninist) and 4.9% for Eric Gairy, a previous dictator of Grenada.

Mr. Rupart Black, a close associate of Mr. Bishop also murdered in 1983 was elected vice-president.

 

Put It in Writing!

Naples, Italy.
Luigi Vinelli, a spokesman for the Socialist members of the Naples city government yesterday accused the Christian Democrats, who dominate the Neopolitan government, of violating the terms of a political pact signed with the Socialists. “In return for supporting the Christian Democrats, we were promised a full 15% of all the political graft and corruption in Naples, but we have received no more than 6% of the money” he charged.
Mr. Vinelli promised to publish copies of the signed agreement on political corruption in order to substantiate his charges and threatened to sue unless the Christian Democrats adhered to the agreement.

Alfonso Alberti, a Neopolitan Christian Democratic spokesman, firmly ruled out any increase in the 6% figure and claimed that the agreement referred to by Mr. Vinelli had been superceded by a later pact on corruption.

(Republished from RonUnz.org by permission of author or representative)
 
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