July 4th, 1994. The Clinton-Rodham administration today announced the formation of a trail-blazing military unit planned as the first example of America’s new model Army of Peace, following the reorganization produced by the Military Equity Act of 1993. Secretary of Peacekeeping and Defence Patricia Schroder presented the decision in a televised prime-time broadcast replacing the top-rated reality show “Murder of the Day.”
“Our nation’s deepest constitutional principles of diversity, equity, and multiculturalism, cynically suppressed for two centuries during the Unconstitutional Interlude, have now been fully extended to the military, that last bastion of the backward patriarchy. The benefits of these principles, long apparent in the areas of education, business, and politics, shall now be provided to our brave peacekeepers as well.”
The military unit, to be known as the 1st National Peacekeeping Battalion, shall consist of a mixed force of 1100 men, women, and transsexuals, scrupulously chosen based on race, gender, class, geography, and sexual orientation. According to Ms. Schroder, “On diversity grounds, we have selected a left-handed lesbian Eskimo to serve as the acting field commander of the unit. Therefore, until one is found, the unit will have no field commander.”
Other innovative features announced in Ms. Schroder’s presentation include:
(*) In order the shatter the negative stereotypes which the military has traditionally placed on the physically challenged, a minimum 50% of all snipers and vehicle drivers will be visually challenged, all radio operators will be hearing challenged, and a special unit of wheelchair-bound commando paratroopers will be formed. Ms. Schroder emphasized the socially-desirable effects of being able to produce recruitment posters featuring wheelchair-bound peacekeepers parachuting to seize an enemy-occupied hill.
(*) All military decisions by officers in the field will be subject to full legal due process and immediate appeal by subordinates, with lawyers provided for all appeals which reach Federal district court. Given modern advances in telecommunications technology and video-conferencing, such due process should interfere minimally with the necessities of war. In general, an emphasis will be placed on modern consensus-oriented management, rather than the traditional style of unilateral decisions made by those of superior rank over those of inferior rank, a sordid legacy of American classism.
(*) The unit will practice full bilingualism, with the language to be used by the troops rotating on a daily basis between English, Spanish, Swahili, and American Sign Language. Additional languages such as Chinese, Navaho, and Haitian Creole will be periodically assigned to individual companies of the battalion.
(*) Transvestite troops will be permitted to wear full length ballroom dresses in the field, instead of the usual combat fatigues, which might oppressively mask their sexuality. Other exceptions to traditional dress codes will be reviewed on a case-by-case basis and generally granted, unless a compelling military necessity can be demonstrated otherwise.
(*) New engagement rules will specify that field personnel can only fire at enemy troops who have already fired first, and must fire a minimum of two warning shots and indicate their location before attempting to disable their opponent. According to Ms. Schroder, “The Human Rights record of the American military is abysmal. In the heat of battle, American soldiers have even attempted to shoot enemy troops in the back or from a hidden location. Never again! Our new rules of engagement shall be strictly enforced by field compliance officers, with no exceptions whatsoever.”
The new rules also specify that captured enemy soldiers must be read their “military Miranda” rights, and compelling military necessity must be shown before any of their personal property or equipment is seized or examined.
In her closing remarks, Ms. Schroder hinted that the new unit would be deployed to the Republic of Kosovo in the former Yugoslavia, where brutal sexual harassment, cultural insensitivity, and child abuse by Serbian irregulars has outraged enlightened world public opinion and caused the death and dismemberment of over half of the native Albanian population.
Postscript: October 1, 1994. The newly appointed Secretary of Peacekeeping and Defence Catherine MacKinnon today hailed the achievements of the 1st National Peacekeeping Battalion in the Kosovo, and announced that the entire military would be converted over to a similar model over the next six months.
“Those patriarchal zealots who laughed at ‘Hillary’s Legion’ and claimed that transsexuals would be unwilling to die for their country should feel ashamed of themselves. Just as the high casualty rate of the Japanese-American Nisei units of World War II punctured the racist myths which had led to the internment camps, the blood shed in Yugoslavia by the brave peacekeepers of the 1st Battalion shall lead the way to a far better American society. That they died down to the last transsexual without inflicting a single casualty upon the small number of Serbian irregulars whom they faced demonstrates the depth of their commitment to the non-violent principles of Martin Luther King and Gandhi. Their deep sacrifice directly led to yesterday’s overwhelming strategic victory in the United Nation’s General Assembly, which fully condemned the patriarchal brutality of the Serbian military unit involved. The world is a safer place today because of our glorious victory.”