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The confluence of the tenth anniversary of 9/11 and the first full day of the 2011 National Football League season is sure to be a treat. NFL Commissioner Roger “Don’t Touch Me I Bruise Easily” Goodell has promised to “unfurl patriotic themes” at each stadium. Huge American flags that cover the entire playing field being waggled by platoons of soldiers in combat fatigues are becoming passé, as are the by now yawn inducing flyovers by F-16s, so I would propose that the cash rich and morally challenged NFL work with the Department of Defense to do something really spectacular. Surely an American flag that covers the entire stadium can and should be considered to remind everyone that the Federal government is there like an enormous security blanket to protect honest folk who like to go out and get drunk and swear a lot between the increasingly rare plays on the field. Dick Cheney can supervise the coin toss at the start of the game and will hand out free copies of his book to the team captains.

And to hell with the singing of the National Anthem, all that complicated rockets’ red glare stuff. Fans can be given cards with a new loyalty oath which they will be required to recite or face expulsion from the stadium. The oath will include a pledge to provide one’s first born for the next war wherever that might be and whenever the White House considers it appropriate. Government in action might be highlighted by a Transportation Security Agency live simulation up on the food tier in which fans can vote on what kind of security screening they would prefer. After the game is over, everyone present will be either groped or irradiated, depending on which option comes out on top. It would be like reality TV and sports combined.

And then the piece de resistance. At the end of a game a line of Taliban prisoners can be paraded along the top wall of the stadium. A prisoner will be tossed into the parking lot for each touchdown that was scored in the game while the crowd chants “We have always been at war with Eurasia!” If no touchdowns are scored, one prisoner will be tossed anyway to show the Afghans that we mean business. America has never lost a war.

(Republished from The American Conservative by permission of author or representative)
• Category: Foreign Policy • Tags: Football 
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  1. tbraton says:

    “America has never lost a war.”

    Except for the War of 1812, the Korean “police action,” and Vietnam. Oh, that’s right, those ended in ties, and Korea was never officially a war, so it doesn’t really count.

    Here’s a suggestion, PG. How about the display of an actual drone missile attack as part of the halftime celebration. They can announce a seat picked at random and announced just before the launch so everyone can see the pinpoint accuracy of those missiles and how no one sitting next to the target suffered even a scratch.

  2. You know what I’d really like to see? The hundred loudest, most jingoistic fans get drafted and shipped to the Af/Pak theater.

  3. Jim Bovard says: • Website

    Not a bad idea at all – as long as the Pentagon is sure that the Taliban prisoners were guilty. Or at least that there was an anonymous accusation in the files against the detainees tossed off the stadium wall.

  4. excellent post. crikey jingo makes me sick.

  5. Jim – They could be waterboarded as part of the pregame festivities to make sure that the anonymous accusations are accurate. Who says we don’t have a rule of law? Hey, and at half time we could force them to do an Abu Ghraib pyramid at midfield completely with snarling dogs and including a guest appearance by Charles Graner, who is now out of prison. I’m sure the No Fun League and the Pentagon can come up with some really good stuff to educate the public to the need to continue shooting Muslims for the foreseeable future.

  6. tbraton says:

    “The oath will include a pledge to provide one’s first born for the next war wherever that might be and whenever the White House considers it appropriate.”

    Uh, one small quibble, PG. “The next war” assumes that the current “war on terror” actually comes to an end, and I see no sign of that happening in our lifetime. We might as well go for the Guiness record. I believe the Hundred Years War currently holds the mark.

  7. Good point tbraton but I believe that both the Hundred Years War and Thirty Years War were measured from start to finish with long intervals when there were truces or treaties and no fighting. Is it possible that we already have the record?

  8. Andy says:

    “The oath will include a pledge to provide one’s first born for the next war wherever that might be and whenever the White House considers it appropriate.”
    If that was the case [a draft?] it seems to me that the politicians would be less willing to commit our troops. If they did deem it essential they’d probably bring them home quickly, as any other policy would likely doom their hopes for reelection.

    Now back to your article: Re Taliban tossing
    I agree tossing a jihadist or two would likely titillate the crowd ,but I suspect after a couple of drops it would get boring. IAs post game tailgating and traffic congestion will last an hour or more what do you think about possibly moving the water boarding, which you suggested as part of the pregame festivities to post game?

  9. eep says:

    The flags and patriotic gear would be made in China.

    The next war is with Eastasia. McCain and Lindsey Graham will have Al-Zawahiri for a three-way dinner, calling him a hero as they plot together the liberation of Xinjiang from the atheistic Chinese state capitalist infidel.

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