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Antipathy between CIA and FBI runs deep. There was a news item tonight about someone in northern Virginia pretending to be an FBI special agent. I immediately, and reflexively, thought “Oh yeah, all he needed was a bad haircut and a cheap suit.” Apologies to at least some of those who might be offended.

It reminded me of a samizdat manuscript that circulated some years ago, pre-9/11, a humorous version of what pretended to be a joint employment application for the FBI and CIA. A multiple choice on the FBI side of the form identified the greatest security threat in America as effete east coast snobs, ranked higher than folk singers and Beelzebub. In word association CIA was linked to alcoholic and turncoat and a fill in the blank asked the applicant to “Name the last successful CIA project (if any).” Another fill in the blank read “Any FBI agent who drives a foreign import should be _________.” Another multiple choice concluded that the wisest use of FBI resources would be to “bug the community of Langley, Va.”

The CIA side of the form asked the applicant to define “boola boola” and a hypothetical scenario for the handling of a terrorist plot in the Hindu Kush involving the help of an FBI agent recommends that either his shoelaces be tied together or he be given some comic books to read. The first fill in the blank asks the candidate “What FBI project was the biggest flop?” The word association section links Clodhopper to FBI to cheeseburgers. The correct answer on the multiple choice asking what to do when paired with an FBI agent on a top priority assignment is to lock the car’s passenger door so he or she cannot get in. Finally, the CIA applicant had to confirm that he was either Skull and Bones or Hasty Pudding or possibly a security risk. If all three, welcome to the Agency.

(Republished from The American Conservative by permission of author or representative)
• Category: Foreign Policy • Tags: CIA, FBI 
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  1. I disagree when you infer that US soldiers in Afghanistan kill 19 civilians to every enemy.

    But you ARE a gift to us when you talk about the CIA, and we appreciate your knowledge and insights. Thanks for this.

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