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The Kagans Go to War
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On Memorial Day we must remember our honored dead but should also not forget the many living neoconservatives who have made the wars possible that have sent so many of our soldiers to their final resting places. I am particularly thinking of the first family of War for the Asking, the Kagans – Donald, Robert, Fred, and Kimberly. Such an array of military genius has not been seen since Hamilcar, Hannibal, and Hasdrubal Barca strutted on the world stage. Where would we be without the Kagans? Physically unprepossessing they might well be, but in their chests beat the hearts of lions and their souls are those of mighty warriors. Watching Fred move around colorful blocks representing infantry brigades superimposed on the American Enterprise Institute’s collection of maps of the Islamic world is to vicariously experience martial glory rivaling Pickett’s Charge or D-Day.

Much as I would like to see it, Kelley Vlahos’ desire to put Fred Kagan in uniform so that he can fight in at least one of the wars that he is advocating might have an inherent impracticality. It is doubtful whether the rotund and near sighted Fred could pass the Army physical. It is also difficult to imagine what Military Occupation Specialty (MOS) he could possibly fit into given the skills that he possesses, though clerk-typist comes immediately to mind, 71L. If he opts for the supplementary five week postal clerk course he could become a 71LF5 and would be qualified to sell postage stamps. Or maybe a 92Y, unit supply specialist, part of the quartermaster corp. I can see good old Fred handing out olive drab shirts and underwear. And if Fred has any sense of rhythm he might qualify for the army band at 42R. He would be able to play patriotic tunes at a number of interesting army bases in places like Uzbekistan and would not have to get his hands dirty.

(Republished from The American Conservative by permission of author or representative)
• Category: Foreign Policy • Tags: Kagans 
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