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“Women have so much to lose. I mean, we could lose the right to our bodies … If you think that rape should be legal, then don’t vote.” — Cameron Diaz, 9/29/04.

“All the gay guys, all my friends, all my gay friends, you guys you have got to vote, alright? Because … the people, like, in the very right wing of this party … if they get any more power, you guys are going to be living in some state by yourselves. So, I hate scare tactics, but I really believe that that’s true. I think that … if Bush gets elected, he will put in new Superior Court judges [sic], and these guys are not going to want to see gay pride week.” — Cher, 10/22/04.

Troubled by these opinions from such distinguished, accomplished stars of stage and screen, I went out myself seeking celebrities, to find out how representative Cher and Ms. Diaz are. I couldn’t get close to any really big names, but I believe the following is none the less a fair sample of how the popular-arts community feels about a possible Bush victory next Tuesday.


Yenta Streidant, singer/actress: All our liberties are at stake in this election. Bush and Cheney and Ashcroft will tear up the Constitution and totally remake this country. A vote for Bush is a vote to send yourself and your children off to work in sweatshops run by big corporations, 14-hours days with no minimum wage, no union protection, no health coverage. And if you try to protest, they’ll hit you with the Patriot Act, they’ll drive you to the sweatshops with electric cattle prods. The blue laws will come back, there’ll be compulsory praying in the public schools …

Morris Lardbutt, independent producer of movie documentaries: The war against the peace-loving, democratic nation of Iraq by George W. Bush and the corporate puppet-masters who pull his strings is only a dry run for what they plan to do to the American people if they win this election. Remember those TV shots of the statue of Saddam Hussein being pulled down? They’ll be using the same tackle, the same technique, on the Statue of Liberty. All the forces of reaction in this country — the big corporations, the gun manufacturers, the Religious Right — they will unite to strip us of our rights. Your children will be dragged away to be cannon fodder in the further wars for oil that they’re planning. Your job will be outsourced to Indonesia. Health care? — Ha! Your aged parents will be pushed out into the snow …

Vadge Endshaver, feminist playwright: Our bodies will be taken away from us. We shall be forced to have babies. That’s what the Republicans will do, they will force us to have babies. Any woman who doesn’t permit herself to be used for breeding will be killed. I heard just the other day, while I was in a store buying batteries for my …

Tony Tushnerd, award-winning playwright: What is in store for gay people in America if George W. Bush is re-elected? The gas chambers, obviously. The failure of the government to find a cure for AIDS — their refusal even to care about the issue! — tells the whole story. They want us to die! First they will use this Federal Marriage Amendment to force us back into the closet. Then they’ll make us all wear pink triangles, and exclude us from jobs, from voting, from the academy, while they prepare the machinery of extermination. Traitors from our own community will aid and abet them: I don’t have to tell you who Roy Cohn was — the most evil man in the history of the world! When Joe McCarthy was terrorizing America and gay people were cowering in fear …

Hooray Goldfarb, actress/comedienne: There is no doubt in my mind that George W. Bush, if re-elected, will bring back slavery. I have seen documents outlining his plans. Already they have secret camps operating down in the Talladega National Forest, to train overseers and slave dealers. There is a factory outside of Jackson, Mississippi, working flat out, 24/7, to produce manacles and shackles and whips. I tell you, I’ve seen it, you better believe this. Another thing: You heard about these so-called “private space flight ventures,” right? That’s all financed by Bush and Cheney and their corporate pals. What they’re actually going to do is open up Mars for cotton planting, using slave labor. You know why the space shuttle has that big cargo bay, so-called? So they can pack in …

Suzanne Saranwrap, actress: We already know what Bush and his people want: they want war, never-ending war. They think war will solve humanity’s problems, while at the same time making their friends rich. In fact, of course, war doesn’t solve any problems, it just makes new problems. We must speak out against all acts of violence, whether committed with hijacked passenger planes or American tanks. I predict that if elected, Bush will declare more wars. I’d expect war against Iran, war against North Korea, war against China, war against Cuba. There will be nuclear war, with nuclear missiles raining down on our cities. There will be mushroom clouds everywhere you look. We shall all die in George W. Bush’s wars. We shall all be dead, all dead, our children will all be dead …


Sixpac 45, hip-hop recording artist: Bush an’ those guys hate my music, they hate my kind of music, ’cause it’s all about the youth, the urban youth, nome sane? An’ they don’ want to deal with that, they just want to wipe out all the urban youth with AIDS an’ drugs an’ sh—. An’ they got all these white record company executives on they side, so they goin’ to destroy us if they can. You goin’ have nothin’ to listen to but Pat Boone an’ Merle Haggard, nome sane? ‘Cause they is down on the black man, they is down on the urban youth — they an’ them white record company executives …

Stefan Spielenglock, movie producer: It will be bad, very bad. As my good and dear friend, that great national leader Fidel Castro, remarked during my recent visit, in the ninth hour of our wide-ranging conversation …

Sundance Kidd, actor/environmentalist: Well, I think that Bush’s first move, if he is re-elected, will be to sell off our national parks to his corporate buddies — you know, Halliburton and so on. They just can’t wait to get their hands on what’s left of our open spaces, burn the trees and kill the wildlife, asphalt them all over and start drilling for oil. But the real threat, of course, is to the larger global environment. You saw that movie The Day After Tomorrow, right? That’s pretty much it. By refusing to join in the Kyoto agreement, by their wanton and short-sighted assaults on the environment in the pursuit of profit, they will bring down on us a new Ice Age. Tornadoes, tidal waves, earthquakes, asteroid strikes… It will be the end of civilization, the end of the human race …

(Republished from National Review by permission of author or representative)
• Tags: Humor 
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