Harry Baldwin has put together a Trumpified version of the headlines that supposedly appeared in the French government’s official newspaper Le Moniteur in March 1815 when Napoleon Bonaparte escape dElba and astonished Europe by retaking the throne via courage and charisma, setting off his 100 Days that ended with his own personal Waterloo:
March 9, 1815 : The Monster has escaped from his place of banishment.
March 10: The Corsican Orge has landed at Cape Juan
March 11: The Tiger has shown himself at Gap. The Troops are advancing on all sides to arrest his progress. He will conclude his miserable adventure by becoming a wanderer among the mountains.
March 12: The Monster has actually advanced as far as Grenoble
March 13: The Tyrant is now at Lyon. Fear and Terror seized all at his appearance.
March 18: The Usurper has ventured to approach to within 60 hours’ march of the capital.
March 19: Bonaparte is advancing by forced marches, but it is impossible he can reach Paris.
March 20: Napoleon will arrive under the walls of Paris tomorrow.
March 21: The Emperor Napoleon is at Fountainbleau
March 22: Yesterday evening His Majesty the Emperor made his public entry and arrived at the Tuileries. Nothing can exceed the universal joy.
Note: I’ve read these a million times, but I can’t vouch they’re really real.
Commenter Harry Baldwin writes:
February 24, 2016 at 3:06 am GMT • 300 Words (Edit-1334638)
If been thinking about a “Trump Marches on Washington” version of the “Napoleon Marches on Paris” piece Steve runs occasionally. Insulting names for Trump courtesy of Karl Rove, Charles Krauthammer, George Will, Jonah Goldberg, Steve Hayes, John Sununu, Rich Lowry, and Fred Barnes.
April 2015: The Complete Idiot announces he’s seriously considering running for the Republican presidential nomination. On Fox News, George Will looked forward to watching him crash and burn.
June 2015: The Al Sharpton of the Republican Party declared his candidacy in a rambling speech full of racist attacks on Mexican immigrants intended to rile up the teabaggers.
June 2015: The Bloviating Ignoramus has taken a lead in the polls, but it’s still the silly season. Voters haven’t yet taken a look at the more plausible candidates.
July 2015: The Bane of Humanity has insulted the war hero John McCain. He’s gotten away with his gaffes, insults and vulgarity so far, but this time he’s gone too far.
August 2015: The Clown described our champion as “a low-energy person.” Rather than join Trump in the gutter, Jeb understands voters will quickly tire of Trump’s childish banter.
August 2015: The Dancing Bear draws a crowd of 30,000 in Alabama.
September 2015: The Most Fabulous Whiner in All of American Politics continues to hold his lead in the polls. Fox New analysts are confident that Republican voters will soon get serious.
February 2016: The One-Man Wedge Issue said that George W. Bush lied to get us into Iraq. He’s done it now. Veterans, who revere the former president, are a major bloc in South Carolina.
February 2016: Trump wins New Hampshire and South Carolina, but if all candidates but Rubio drop out and he gets their votes, Trump can be stopped.
November 2016: Donald J. Trump has won the election. National Review publishes a special issues congratulating President Trump, featuring highlights of brilliant campaign. Fox All Stars offer him their counsel and assistance in instituting a true conservative agenda.