The Unz Review • An Alternative Media Selection$
A Collection of Interesting, Important, and Controversial Perspectives Largely Excluded from the American Mainstream Media
 BlogviewFred Reed Archive
Big Orly’s Diary: Bulk-Lot Wisdom from Up the Holler
Email This Page to Someone

 Remember My Information


Bookmark Toggle AllToCAdd to LibraryRemove from Library • B
Show CommentNext New CommentNext New ReplyRead More
ReplyAgree/Disagree/Etc. More... This Commenter This Thread Hide Thread Display All Comments
These buttons register your public Agreement, Disagreement, Thanks, LOL, or Troll with the selected comment. They are ONLY available to recent, frequent commenters who have saved their Name+Email using the 'Remember My Information' checkbox, and may also ONLY be used three times during any eight hour period.
Ignore Commenter Follow Commenter
Search Text Case Sensitive  Exact Words  Include Comments
List of Bookmarks

Saturday morning was sunny and bugs screaming and buzzing, at least in my part of West Virginia, and it was nice and cool. Bugs is pretty much like folk. The boy bugs holler or buzz or I don’t know what all so the girl bugs will love them and they can get laid, and then the boy bugs run off and leave the girl bugs with the eggs. You’d think the girl bugs would learn, but they never do. If you have a choice, it’s better to be a boy bug.

Anyways, I was planning to go see Uncle Hant that makes skull break moonshine back in the woods so he could tell me how to make a living. Hant knows everything. A few years back, he sent the Poverty Office in Wheeling a letter that said he was a one-legged Injun princess named Sighing Cloud with black lung, and they started sending him money in trucks. Then they wrote him a letter saying did he have any children he didn’t know who was the daddy to, so they could send him more money. He told them he had thirteen and he didn’t have no idea where they came from but they all had Down’s Syndrome, whatever that is, and now he’s the richest man in McDowell County. So don’t nobody who says gummint is a bad thing know what he’s talking about.

But Hant don’t get up too early in the morning, so first I went up the holler to see my old school teacher, Mr. Entropy McWilliams that’s got a internet television and lets me look at it sometimes. He was watching what he said was a Sympathy Orchestra and a noise was coming out of it like a blow-out plug on a high-pressure drill rig. It was real awful and I asked Mr. McWilliams what it was and he said somebody was blowing a hobo. I thought that was pretty ripe for a show anybody could watch, even little children, but it turned out it wasn’t so much a hobo as a oboe, which is like a three-foot duck call. I didn’t see much future in it. Neither would our McDowell County ducks, that don’t have much schooling. It might work with city ducks, though.

Anyway, he said it did sound kind of like a cat squalling because of Affirmative Action, which I didn’t know what was. He said it was a newfangled law in Washington, that’s the Yankee capital, that says if you want somebody to do a job, you have to hire someone that can’t do it. I said that made sense, about like taking poison. He said I thought that because I wasn’t in Washington and it was God’s own truth, and it was for Social Justice. The more you couldn’t do a job, the more you had to get it.

That was too many for me. I thought, what if I had cancer in the head and the brain doctor showed up with a claw hammer and a ice pick and didn’t know where to start, so they put a sign on my foot that said Open Other End or something. I’d shoot the sonofabitch before he got in striking distance. Maybe there’s such a thing as too much social justice. At least if it’s my head.

Mr. McWilliams said the Sympathy, that was in New York, used to hire music people by setting them down and listening to them play the fiddle or duck call or banjo and taking the best ones. But then women got into a uproar and started yowling that the Sympathy only got men. They said women could play fiddles and all just fine and it was affirmative action for men and they was madder than wet hornets. So the Congress made a law that the Sympathy had to string up a bed sheet and them as wanted the job had to play behind it and the judges didn’t know who they were and couldn’t let in their sisters and uncles. It made sense, but they did it anyway, and pretty soon the Sympathy was full of ladies blowing and honking and sawing away, and everybody was happy because they did it right.

Well, everybody except American Africans, that said none of them was in the Sympathy. They wanted Social Justice. Best I can tell, Social Justice means getting anything you want or you’ll scream and yell and bite and wet yourself like a two-year-old that needs a whupping and a new diaper. So now they’re going to choose by colors, like they was painting a ‘57 Chevy. I guess that’ll work.

Mr. McWilliams said I just didn’t understand Advanced Thought. Well, I didn’t. I guess it’s because I’m not real smart. I used to be, though. The first time I was in the fourth grade my teacher, it was Miss Purity Perkins, said I was real special and she hoped I’d go far, but I guess she would have settled for the next county over. I told Mr. McWilliams if Affirmative Action meant getting a job because you couldn’t do it, I wanted to be a Space Rocket Driver. At least if I could be one from Lou-Bob’s Billiards and Rib Pit. I was having a lot of fun with my girlfriend Jiffy Lube and I figured I couldn’t drive a Space Rocket at the Rib pit just as good as I couldn’t drive it from Australia or Wheeling or wherever they have Space Rockets.

I said so much Social Justice was giving me a motingator headache and I wanted to go off to Lou-Bob’s that serves bust-head shine under the table if you don’t look like a damn Revenoor.

Then the television started talking about Reparations for Slavery, that I thought they got rid of after World War Two. He said it didn’t matter and it was to pay you for bad stuff that never happened to you, just like Affirmative Action was to give you jobs you couldn’t do, but that was a whole nutheer bucket of crawdads and we could talk about it later. I don’t know. It all sounded like a crooked poker game to let grifters and frauds get paid without going into the mines and getting killed like Christians.

It was still early so I went off to tell Hant about Affirmative Action. He was at his still. Like I said, he makes panther sweat that takes the enamel off your teeth to sell to yuppies from Washington that want a Cultural Experience. He puts it in genuine authentic mountain stone jars he gets from Taiwan. Some folks say he gets a cut from liver doctors in Bluefield, but I don’t know.

Hant’s a tall skinny rascal with arthritis so when he bends over it looks like folding a Buck knife and he’s got a jaw like a front-end loader. Later he said he told the Poverty Office he wanted to be a Orthostatic Ontological Proctologist. I asked him what that was. He said he wasn’t sure but he sure as hell didn’t know how to be one so they had to pay him for it. He said they would never dare say no to a one-legged Injun princess with black lung.

After, I went down the hill to look for Jiffy Lube that I hadn’t seen for weeks. What happened was, Jif is real pretty, and she was in Lou Bob’s, and Lester ‘Callister got smart with her like he didn’t know what parts of her was handles and what parts wasn’t. She laid him out cold with a pool stick and went to hide in the mountains. But after a while the sheriff said he figured the Statue of Limitations was about a month for smacking Lester, and anyway the doctor said he probably be out of a coma in a week, so weren’t no harm done but his teeth might be all cattywumpus. Jif was smiling all happy like. That’s a good sign if you know Jif, and I felt like a man with five aces and a date with somebody else’s wife, so we went off to my doublewide. I figure there’s nothing better on a mountain night than a good girlfriend, a six-pack, and a Bug Zapper.

Read Fred’s Splendid Books! Or Else.

Write Fred at [email protected] Put the letters pdq anywhere in the subject line to avoid heartless autodeletion. All read, reply not guaranteed due to volume.

Hide 35 CommentsLeave a Comment
Commenters to FollowEndorsed Only
Trim Comments?
  1. Uncle Al says: • Website

    We lack rigorous characterization of the topology and function of cluelessness. God save us from the congenitally inconsequential, clown cars of incompetence, Federal alphabet soups of misery, Beltway lobotomites; futility, criminality, and obdurate sonambulant stupidity.

    I demand the American Football League hire midgets, and Congress put Nasty Pelosi in charge, because it is all about feelings.

    Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives?
    Damn but didn’t that sound like a party!

    • Agree: Tick Tock
  2. Well, tarnation! I done do declare, y’all ain’t seen young Jar’quevious Taylor toot dat dere picklepipe at da ol’ opry down yonder. He got no talent, but he darker’n a crow chasing blackberries troo da bayou at midnight. Jus’ makes ya feel so GOOD, ya hear? Billy Bob ‘enem gonna come on troo real soon now right troo da parrish.

    • LOL: Uncle Al
  3. The transmogrification of Possum Fred.

  4. Jmaie says:

    The transmogrification of Possum Fred.

    Naw, Fred just returnin’ to his roots.

  5. Admit it, Fred, you LUV the old America from your childhood. I appreciate your way of making fun of the stupidity of the current America, as with your old columns from FredOnEverything. I know you won’t write back, but I’ll ask you again, for the record:

    Why do you continually disparage the patriotic and old-fashioned Americans who work hard to try to save what’s left of this place?

    Thank you for mentioning Bluefield. That’s a nice area.

  6. KeltCindy says:

    …And the “Most Honest Affirmative Action Definition” Award goes to…

    Mr. Entropy McWilliams!!:

    “He said it was a newfangled law in Washington, that’s the Yankee capital, that says if you want somebody to do a job, you have to hire someone that can’t do it.”

    Fred’s HOT when he waxes West Virginia poetic… 💕

    (No disrespect to Vi!)

    Great column, Mr. Reed!

    Love, Cindy

    • Agree: Tick Tock
  7. TheJester says:

    “Anyway, he said it did sound kind of like a cat squalling because of Affirmative Action, which I didn’t know what was. He said it was a newfangled law in Washington, that’s the Yankee capital, that says if you want somebody to do a job, you have to hire someone that can’t do it.”

    I don’t know what to say, Fred. It’s hard to find something to laugh about these days. It’s even harder to laugh about the nonsense surrounding Affirmative Action. I laughed!

    Thank you

  8. DocDictum says:

    Yep. Hand over the goods. I wan da free lunch fo’ da’ res of mah lif becuz my peeple was enslave.

    Provide them with a one way ticket to The Republic of Liberia. Looking for armed volunteers? No problem.

  9. Let’s pray hard and play with snakes that Fred Voss and La Señora don’t git a ride back to Mejico in a winged silver aluminum tube with one of these here gals in the cockpit.:

    • Replies: @Al Lipton
  10. Heh, Fred, be sure to take la familia over to see the old hippies in Floyd, Virginia. They got a pretty good Mexican taco joint there too, but the trailer park next door burned down last year sometime.

    • Replies: @Jim Bob Lassiter
  11. @Jim Bob Lassiter

    Now, most of you do gooders out there don’t no a thang about music and a good clean classical education. Here’s a colored feller (an uber outlier to be sure) who made his way in the world with a violin and a fiddle long before there was such a thing as affirmative action.

    • Thanks: Achmed E. Newman
  12. ‘That was too many for me. I thought, what if I had cancer in the head and the brain doctor showed up with a claw hammer and a ice pick and didn’t know where to start, so they put a sign on my foot that said Open Other End or something. I’d shoot the sonofabitch before he got in striking distance. ‘

    It is a problem. What do you do if the matter’s serious — and the doctor turns out to be black?

    Be racist, or risk death?

    • Replies: @Jake
  13. IvyMike says:

    Okay, I get it now, Fred is having fun seeing just how much ignorant racism he can pack into a column and still have Unz readers agree with him. He’s up to 11 pounds a column and nobody pushed their plate away yet.

  14. @IvyMike

    “I’ma give alla muh moneys to shines – absolve me of me sins, ya here?”

  15. Jake says:

    Fred Reed doing the WV Hillbilly version of Mr. Dooley. And he does it very well.

  16. Jake says:
    @Colin Wright

    Affirmative Action means that you cannot have any certainty that the black person with the higher end position is even halfway qualified.

    I think only blacks and Liberals should get those precious black doctors.

  17. Patricus says:

    It sure is fun ridiculing rural people and those from hollers. Everyone wants to feel superior to someone. Some of us have a limited number of inferiors.

  18. Tick Tock says:
    @Uncle Al

    I am proud to announce that my Mother’s side of the Family has been in West Virginia since or slightly before 1770. I am the honored descendent of George Mollohan born around 1750 and immigrated the Colonies from Ireland before 1775 when his eldest child was born. I want to express my deepest gratitude to and all other West Virginia Hillbillies who became Space Rocket Drivers, Real Doctors, Scientists and other good folk to help better Humanity despite the Affirmative Action Roadblock which we manage to slip thru like good Moonshiners on a Midnight Run.

    To my Soul Brother Fred. Glad to see you finally gotz yah a jar ov dat Skul Brake Shine……… Its the closest thing to Heaven this side of Gassaway, WV.

  19. Anonymous[383] • Disclaimer says:

    Giving jobs to people who can’t do them?

    Already covered:

  20. @Jake

    ‘Affirmative Action means that you cannot have any certainty that the black person with the higher end position is even halfway qualified…’

    The miracle of Affirmative Action means the principle operates even for groups against whom one genuinely has no bias.

    This struck me when I had the opportunity to select a doctor with Kaiser. Of course blacks were right out — but I realized selecting a Hispanic was a bad bet as well. After all, he or she might well be someone who wouldn’t have qualified as a doctor had they not had the right surname.

    Whites and Asians only, please. No one who quite possibly isn’t really quite up to snuff.

  21. Dr. Charles Fhandrich [AKA "anon"] says:
    @Uncle Al

    At the vast leftist U.S. swamp there are traitors and traitors everywhere. without a “Representative” of the people in sight anywhere.. She’s positively sickening.

  22. Reed lost it years ago; too much ‘Meskin poontang, I suppose.

  23. DrCiber says:

    Delightful Mr. Reed. Keep’em comin’.

  24. Al Lipton says:

    Thank you, Fred.
    Delightful commentary on the current affairs.
    Keep in mind that should the Main Cockatoo lose these upcoming elections, we will get Affirmative Action and war on every sort of Intellectual Supremacy like the world has never seen before. Violent Stupid Entitled will be the norm to aspire.

  25. Love you Uncle Hant stories. Great humor, illustrating great truths.

  26. @Jake

    Reality of the last 50 years in America to the short term individual benefit of the black individual whose income exceeds capability/contribution/performance (what’s called “the artificial black middle class”) yet overall long-term devastating to US culture, economy and society in general and performance credibility of blacks as a group as well:

    Affirmative Action means that you cannot have any certainty that the black person with the higher end position is even halfway qualified


    Note the enormous premium Affirmative Action places upon standard grammar spoken by a person of black African descent. That’s the key trait leading to the income windfall for the under-competent Affirmative Action Award Winner.

    In my pursuits among my peers by age some of the most impressive characters and elite talents of leadership and decision-making have been blacks whose backgrounds as first generation highly educated left them without unfailing sound syntax skill and thus ineligible for Affirmative Action Award employment riches. (The HBCs used to address this deficiency with attuned training and FAMU at last check still does which is why their “Bid Schl” is renowned, but integration came so fast the white schools were not attuned initially then to do so thereafter “The Revolution” was not possible for fear of “racism”.) One has cleared the trees as entrepreneur and others in skilled labor to the benefit of themselves, theirs and society, but dimwits in suits declared geniuses simply for sound syntax have wrought devastation upon their employer institutions and the goodwill that Americans have toward those who have actually earned their wealth through performance as evidenced by the overall acceptance and approval our society has toward black pro athletes who by objective performance have achieved fame and fortune, i.e., the current tribute here to the late great Bob Gibson.

  27. Sulu says:

    It might work with city ducks, though.

    Ha Ha. Good one Fred.


  28. Anon[151] • Disclaimer says:

    Another crap article from Fredo the clown. Wish I could have those ten minutes I just wasted reading this back!

  29. Jokem says:
    @Uncle Al

    ‘Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives?
    Damn but didn’t that sound like a party!’

    I thought it ought to be the name of a convenience store.

  30. MEH 0910 says:

    • Replies: @Jokem
  31. Jokem says:
    @MEH 0910

    I did yesterday which I frequently do.

    I make a habit of handing out water bottles and summer sausages to homeless people.

    I buy a stock of them for just that purpose.

  32. Jokem says:

    Oh yes, my brokerage firm did a charity day where they collect food and distribute it to the hungry.
    I bought a crate of canned vegetables and donated.

Current Commenter

Leave a Reply - Comments on articles more than two weeks old will be judged much more strictly on quality and tone

 Remember My InformationWhy?
 Email Replies to my Comment
Submitted comments have been licensed to The Unz Review and may be republished elsewhere at the sole discretion of the latter
Commenting Disabled While in Translation Mode
Subscribe to This Comment Thread via RSS Subscribe to All Fred Reed Comments via RSS
Personal Classics
Not What Tom Jefferson Had in Mind
Sounds Like A Low-Ranked American University To Me
Very Long, Will Bore Hell Out Of Most People, But I Felt Like Doing It
It's Not A Job. It's An Adventure.
Cloudy, With Possible Tidal Wave