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The Great Chinese Bat Flu Panic of 2020
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Pray for me, my friends, because I have the flu. No, not the Chinese Bat Flu, or Pangolin Flu, or Covid-19, or Coronavirus, or whatever it’s called now … just the regular, annoying Winter flu that goes around Berlin every year during flu season.

It’s a particularly annoying flu this year. You get it, recover from it, then you get it again. All you want to do is crawl into bed, or sit around watching garbage on Netflix. When you get it a second time, and sometimes a third time, it’s kind of a low-grade version of itself, maybe because your immune system knows it … or something. I’m not sure how that works. I’m not a professional virologist or anything.

Or, I don’t know, maybe it is the Bat Flu. The more I read the corporate press, the more I’m beginning to suspect it is. My suspicion isn’t based on facts. I don’t have any of the Bat Flu symptoms. It’s just a feeling … like the feelings people had that Saddam had secret WMDs, and that Trump was a Russian intelligence asset, and that the world was going to end in the year 2012.

OK, those feelings turned out to be wrong, but this one feels like an accurate feeling, and not like just the result of being relentlessly bombarded with hysterical headlines, pictures of people in hazmat suits, and obsessively researching ever-changing, wildly-varying statistics on the Internet, which … I really need to stop doing that.

According to my latest Internet research, the Bat Flu will either subside by late April or will infect approximately 5 billion people (i.e., 60 percent of the world population). If my little Windows calculator is correct, at a death rate of 3.4 percent, that’s 157 million dead people, and at a 4 percent death rate (which I just saw somewhere), we’re talking 200 million dead people! If you consider that the 14th Century “Black Death” killed 100 to 200 million people, nearly a quarter of the world population (because there weren’t as many people back then), and if you get hysterical and try to compare them (which I’m finding it increasingly difficult not to do), this Bat Flu plague could kill 2 billion people, or maybe 6 or 7 billion people, which is almost the entire human species … anything is possible, after all!

Plus, even if I just have the flu (i.e., the regular flu, not the Chinese Bat Flu), the statistics on that are pretty scary. I don’t know the numbers here in Germany, but, according to the CDC, since 2010, in the United States, the regular old garden variety flu has resulted in the following, annually:

  • 9 million – 45 million cases
  • 140,000 – 810,000 hospitalizations
  • 12,000 – 61,000 deaths

When you multiply all those numbers by 10 (because it’s been 10 years since 2010), you get:

  • 90 million – 450 million cases
  • 1,400,000 – 8,100,000 hospitalizations
  • 120,000 – 610,000 deaths

That’s 450 million possible cases and over half a million deaths, and that’s just in the United States! To make it concrete, if you stood all those dead people on top of each other, head to toe, so that everyone was standing on everyone’s head, and used them as an enormous ladder, you could climb to the moon and back four times … or once or twice at the very least.

And that’s nothing compared to this Covid-19!

No, according to The Guardian, Covid-19 is “about ten times more deadly than the seasonal flu,” so that’s 610,000 deaths just this year, and if the CDC tracks it for a full 10 years, that’s pretty close to 6 million dead people, which will make it just as bad as the Holocaust (although the Holocaust only lasted four years, so I’ll have to adjust my math for that).

And, remember, that’s just in the United States, which is only 4.25 percent of the total global population. So you multiply the Holocaust by 95 percent (you can round the numbers to make this easier) and you end up with 7 billion dead people, which is nearly every last person on Earth, except for 700 million people! Which, OK, that sounds like a lot of people (i.e., the 700 million, not the 7 billion), but it’s fewer than there were in the 14th Century, i.e., before the “Black Death” plague killed everybody!

Anyway, whatever I have, or don’t have, and regardless of the fact that I’m under 70 and in fairly good health as far as I know, and notwithstanding my algebraic skills, I’m thinking it’s time to take extreme measures. I recommend you do the same.

The first thing to do to is to arm yourself and go out and load up on toilet paper. The epidemiologists are now predicting a worldwide toilet paper crisis more or less approaching the scale of the deadly Toilet Paper Crisis of 1813! This toilet paper crisis could continue for months, so you will want to purchase (or otherwise obtain) as much toilet paper as you possibly can, and then hoard it in your house or apartment, or your remotely-located toilet paper depot.

Be prepared to fight for your toilet paper. Things are getting rather ugly out there. Gangs of heavily-armed toilet paper bandits are roving through the streets of Hong Kong robbing people of their toilet paper. An Australian man was tasered by the police at the Big W store in Tamworth Shoppingworld after “becoming aggressive” over the lack of toilet paper. In California, where a state of emergency is in effect (and presumably a full-scale lock-down is imminent), shoppers have been running amok at Costco, stripping the shelves of toilet paper, Kleenex, and feminine hygiene products. New York has just declared a state of emergency (possibly toilet paper-related). Italy has locked down the region of Lombardy, although it isn’t clear exactly why, as they mostly use bidets in Italy … but that’s not really important at the moment.

Next, after you secure the toilet paper, you’ll want to load up on mineral water, hand sanitizer, those paper masks, MREs, protein bars, DVDs of the film Contagion, and other essential survival items. You will want to do this in a mindless frenzy of butt-puckering Chinese Bat Flu panic, ideally while wearing a full-face respirator, or a wearable anti-Bat Flu shield, or some sort of homemade hazmat suit. Don’t forget to bring along your favorite “modern sporting rifle” to mow down anyone who gets in your way … and anyone who might be infected, which at this point you have to assume is everyone!

Or, I don’t know, maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe I just have the flu. I mean, what if this whole Corona thing is just nature doing what nature does and not the end of civilization? Look, I don’t want to sound paranoid, but I can’t help wondering whether this virus warrants all the mass hysteria that the corporate media have been pumping out at us, relentlessly, for the last two months, and the states of emergency that are being declared, and the quarantines that are going into effect, and the curfews, and banning of public gatherings, and whatever other “emergency measures” are going to be imposed in the coming weeks and months.

It all seems a little out of proportion to the actual threat we’re facing here, not to mention rather conveniently timed, in light of what’s happening around the world, politically, what with the global capitalist empire right in the thick of a War on Populism, and the American election season underway, and the protests in France, and the general mood of public discontent (or unbridled rage) with global capitalism throughout the West.

Or, I don’t know, perhaps this Bat Flu panic stems from a deeper ideological source. Maybe it has less to do with politics, and more to do with our fascistic pursuit of “perfect health” and “perfect bodies,” and our fear and hatred of ageing and dying, and our narcissistic obsession with ourselves, and our total disconnection from the cycle of life.

OK, take this with a grain of salt, because it’s probably just my fever talking, but sometimes I get this crazy notion that we human beings aren’t actually the Primary Purpose of the Entire Universe, or the Apotheosis of Creation, or whatever, and that it’s natural for some of us to get sick and die, and that every last single disease and health threat doesn’t need to be utterly eradicated, and life doesn’t need to be rendered “safe.” Because maybe sickness and death are, sure, things to be avoided whenever possible, but not at the cost of conditioning everyone to believe we are supposed to live forever, and never get sick or injured by anything, and to believe that things like sickness and death are “enemies,” like hostile aliens, or the sadistic whims of a God who hates us, or errors in the code of creation … which human beings are able to correct.

We’ve been doing a bang-up job of that so far, correcting nature’s (or God’s) mistakes. Haven’t we? I mean, look around. And we have only been at it for a few hundred years. Give us just a little more time, and we will get this whole ugly mess cleaned up, under control, and functioning smoothly if we have to lock down, quarantine, and genetically-correct every sentient creature and particle of matter in the universe to do it! What is the alternative, after all … to just let nature take it’s course, and let people die, like a bunch of savages?

Sorry, I think I’m getting delirious. It’s the fever. It makes me all philosophical. I’d better sign off and get back to Netflix. Good luck surviving the Chinese Bat Flu, and the collapse of Western civilization. And don’t forget to wash your hands!

C. J. Hopkins is an award-winning American playwright, novelist and political satirist based in Berlin. His plays are published by Bloomsbury Publishing and Broadway Play Publishing, Inc. His dystopian novel, Zone 23, is published by Snoggsworthy, Swaine & Cormorant. Volume I of his Consent Factory Essays is published by Consent Factory Publishing, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Amalgamated Content, Inc. He can be reached at cjhopkins.com or consentfactory.org.

 
• Category: Ideology • Tags: Coronavirus, Disease 
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  1. You get it, recover from it, then you get it again.

    I dunno, CJ, it might not be Bat Flu, but this is one of the hallmarks of the family of Coronaviridae.

    BTW, you don’t appreciate TP until you don’t have any; leaves and newspaper aren’t as kind to your po.

    • Replies: @animalogic
    , @Escher
  2. And don’t touch your face. Did you know people touch their faces 3000 times per second. No, I think it was 30,000 times per millisecond. Nope. A million times a nanosecond. So don’t touch your face.

  3. Josh Yuma says:

    This Covid-19 insanity will head up the next reprint of “Extraordinary Popular Delusions and the Madness of Crowds.”

    • Agree: Crazy Horse
  4. @Josh Yuma

    No joke. We’ll probably later find out that the whole thing was being narrated by Orson Welles.

  5. fenestol says:

    Flu severely reduces one’s appetite and libido, resulting in clearer-than-normal thinking.

    Hopkins, you don’t have the flu.

  6. unit472 says:

    The most dangerous aspect of COVID-19 is that it could actually make Joe Biden the President of the United States.

    • LOL: Curmudgeon
    • Replies: @animalogic
    , @follyofwar
  7. Crazy Horse says: • Website

    I don’t know CJ it could be a adverse physical reaction from watching too much Netflix.

  8. @The Alarmist

    “I dunno, CJ, it might not be Bat Flu,”
    Indeed…sounds to me like a common cold…or maybe a “man-flu”…..

  9. @unit472

    Good observation — whose more likely to have a “pissy-pants” episode on election day: R or D voters ?

    • Replies: @Buck Ransom
  10. Escher says:
    @The Alarmist

    Nothing like a Kleenex cottonelle to wipe away your worries.

  11. The whole Corona thing is a massive hoax. Every time I fire up the old PC I am bombarded with yet another “story”, another hypothesis, another theory, another opinion and yet another photo of 20 or so people with only two of them wearing masks. If this virus is so deadly why are only TWO wearing masks. Some are wearing masks and sunglasses and I am surprised some enterprising soul has not yet marketed designer masks in various colours.

    Then, as if this is not enough we enter into another series of stories, hypotheses, theories, medical papers, studies and new scientific discoveries that masks do not work !! ?? That said, the dummies out there are equipping their dogs, cats, parrots and ferrets with masks and I am now seeing more and more animals being pushed around in baby carriages

    Then Corona plunged the markets and yesterday “OIL AND CORONA” sent the markets into a dive. Who knows what today will bring, I predict a glut of doo doo paper will sink the market by another 2000 points.

    I drool and dribble at the thought and have prepared a sleeping bag under my bed in case I cannot cope psychologically.

    However you need only listen to the expert opinion of your humble commentator Dr. G . Joker, MD, Phd, Bsc, Mba, Abc, XYZ, JK MSc and PQR and you will understand all there is to understand about this virus and its devastating effect on the future of human civilization and survival on this planet.

    My conclusion based on extensive research, and in-depth study and irrefutable evidence is that the majority of the population are simpletons, morons, retarded and complete asses and idiots and lack not the slightest bit of sense. Whatever shit is shovelled their way they eagerly slurp it up. People have lost their ability to think and reason.

    Our ancestors “uneducated” as they were would never have bought into the garbage that is bandied about today masquerading as news and information.

    Beam me up Scotty, there ain’t no intelligent life on this planet !

    • Agree: Kali
  12. Realist says:
    @Josh Yuma

    This Covid-19 insanity will head up the next reprint of “Extraordinary Popular Delusions and the Madness of Crowds.”

    Covid-19 is the Y2K of 2020.

    • Replies: @Commentator Mike
  13. Realist says:

    No, according to The Guardian, Covid-19 is “about ten times more deadly than the seasonal flu,” so that’s 610,000 deaths just this year, and if the CDC tracks it for a full 10 years, that’s pretty close to 6 million dead people, which will make it just as bad as the Holocaust (although the Holocaust only lasted four years, so I’ll have to adjust my math for that).

    There is no way this can be known at this time.

  14. @Josh Yuma

    Like Steve Sailer did with Ctrl-F immi, I did a Ctrl-F with Wuhan, and no, nope, there is no Wuhan mentioned, at all.

    When you memory-holed that bit of information, yeah, of course, it’s probably just mass delusion.

  15. peterAUS says:
    @The Grim Joker

    Yep….

    Especially

    …My conclusion based on extensive research, and in-depth study and irrefutable evidence is that the majority of the population are simpletons, morons, retarded and complete asses and idiots and lack not the slightest bit of sense. Whatever shit is shovelled their way they eagerly slurp it up. People have lost their ability to think and reason.

    Our ancestors “uneducated” as they were would never have bought into the garbage that is bandied about today masquerading as news and information….

  16. Hail says: • Website

    It all seems a little out of proportion to the actual threat we’re facing here, not to mention rather conveniently timed

    This line could apply as well to the US MSM’s late-2010s obsession with Russia. And it will be remembered that way, for what it was, once passions subside. The best bet is still that the Great COVID19 Panic of 2020 will end up the same way.

    (Remember that “Russian coup d’etat against America! Trump puppetized and actively ‘colluding,’ taking orders directly from Moscow!” also often had nearly the same kind of saturation-level coverage in most of the US MSM for much of the late 2010s.)

  17. Calipho says:

    AMEN!!

    please put out more stuff like this Unz Review.

    The Panick Peddlers are Hysterical Freaks. Sad to see both left/right are utter nutters, and educated, middle-class types are the worst. I mean White people’s failures are now the world’s failures. No grit, no balls, whino-hysterics gallore.

    • Agree: Achmed E. Newman
  18. Rich says:

    We’re all going to die, if not from drinking Corona, then from something else. None of you are important, no one will remember you or visit your grave-site. Even if your grandson loves you more than the salt on his meat, he’s going to be too busy with his life to think about you all that much. Just the way it is.

    • Replies: @Anonymous
  19. Zoe says:

    Wow Mr. Hopkins, thank you for making me laugh. You have a special way with making our crazy,absurd world fun. Well done.

  20. @Realist

    Could be. The difference is that with the Y2K only some idiots were taken in by the scare and wasted their money on consultant conmen and upgrading of their computers, while with this you’re not left much choice and have to follow the mandatory rules. Well, you don’t have to go panic shopping for toilet paper I guess.

    • Agree: Realist
    • Replies: @Rosie
  21. @animalogic

    And remember, the D is for Dementia.

  22. @unit472

    That is NOT A JOKE. After taking another whalloping yesterday, Bernie is considering shutting it down, saying he is not a masochist. That means, with COVID-19 as an excuse, senile Old Joe will not have to campaign again until after the democrat convention. No more losing it on the campaign trail and yelling at a startled autoworker that he was “Full of Shit,” while coming close to jabbing him in the face with his menacing finger. Joe could stay in bed as he binge-watches John Wayne westerns, as old white men like to do.

    And if Trump/Pence are not able to wrestle the COVID-19 plague to the ground, corrupt Old Joe might not even have to campaign or debate then. Come next January it will be “All Hail to President Biden!” And, if he picks Hillary for VP, as some are suggesting, how long will it be before senile Old Joe is no longer with us? Six months tops, I’d guess.

  23. Another great article from CJ. While the Chicken Littles scream that the sky is falling CJ writes a rational response. Unless everyone is tested, not just people who display symptoms, no one knows what the infection or lethality rate of COVID-19 really is or if it is any more lethal than common flu. It would best if the governments and so called experts stated we don’t know rather than instilling fear and panic by promoting worst case scenarios. Of course this would go against their ultimate goals.

  24. Rosie says:
    @Commentator Mike

    Well, you don’t have to go panic shopping for toilet paper I guess.

    Ackshully, you kinda do. If everyone but you is hoarding TP, you’re (ahem) SOL.

    • Replies: @Commentator Mike
  25. @Rosie

    As I mentioned elsewhere, there’s always the Muslim/South Asian/South East Asian method of left hand and water from a nearby bucket with a plastic cup. There’s always the bidet for those who have it, or you can use your shower extension hose if nearby, or install a water hose close to the toilet quite easily. Just wash your hands properly after. Actually reducing paper use is good for the environment, saving all those trees, and it prevents drains getting blocked. Not my favourite topic to talk about, but now with the Internet surely one can find out easily about these alternatives. Actually some find the use of toilet paper dirty as it’s not really “washing”. But yes, if toilet paper runs out, they’ll be having us adopt the Muslim method. But anyway, Buddhists and Christians in those parts use the same method so no need to fear you’ll be losing your religion.

  26. @The Grim Joker

    Our ancestors “uneducated” as they were would never have bought into the garbage that is bandied about today masquerading as news and information.

    That’s not a coincidence. Education is designed to make you trust authority. I still remember in Elementary school the class on giving reports, and how we were supposed to “cite sources” which were just local newspapers. The practice continued through high school but with greater emphasis on only using mainstream media, i.e. “trusted sources”. I’m sure the practice has only gotten worse with time.

  27. Before I make a very late correction, Mr. Hopkins, I want to tell you that these last 3 articles on the Kung Flu (“Bat Flu” in your colorful terminology) have been just fantastic. I discussed your latest, “War on Death” on Peak Stupidity, with lots of excerpts and linked to the other 3.

    This is not just very much in line with my views on this Infotainment Panic-Fest, but also excellent writing!

    OK, I hope this isn’t way too late, but here:

    That’s 450 million possible cases and over half a million deaths, and that’s just in the United States! To make it concrete, if you stood all those dead people on top of each other, head to toe, so that everyone was standing on everyone’s head, and used them as an enormous ladder, you could climb to the moon and back four times … or once or twice at the very least.

    There’s a slight assumption built into this calculation that the average human is 1 mile tall! Haha, we all could have missed this, but I’m just glad you didn’t tweet that out to MSNBC. They don’t do math.

  28. Anonymous[401] • Disclaimer says:
    @Rich

    So…kill your kids, paramours, pets, and selves ASAP?

    Why not? Gawd is kaput and Ma Nature doesn’t care about “Evolution.” I mean, look around the universe: why would Ma N give a shite if all humans died out… the rest of space being dead?

    Who’d care if Earth becomes a huge, frozen ball-bearing, too, empty of rugrats, insurance salesmen, grannies yammering at blank TV screens, and grampses playing handball with their own stool?

    Join Jim’s “circle of death” conference in Jonestown.

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