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Subcomandante Bloomberg
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Break out the pussyhats and vuvuzelas, folks, because the neoliberal Resistance is back, and this time they’re not playing around. No more impeachments and investigations. It’s time to go mano-a-mano with Trump, and they’ve finally got just the bad hombre to do it. No, not Bernie Sanders, you commies. A battle-hardened Resistance fighter. El Caballo Pequeño! El Jefe Mínimo! Subcomandante Michael Bloomberg!

Yes, that’s right, Michael Bloomberg, multi-billionaire Republicrat oligarch, has mobilized a guerilla army of overpaid PR professionals, Wall Street sociopaths, liberal racists, and anti-outdoor-smoking fanatics, and is steamrolling toward the Democratic convention to buy a brokered nomination and save America from “Putinism.” He’s had it with you sugary-soft-drink-drinking, chain-smoking, gun-toting, Oxy-gobbling, Hitler-loving, Putinist peasants and your infatuation with Donald Trump. So he’s decided to transform the entire country into a sterile, upscale, fascist themepark where you can rent a studio for \$3,000 a month and the cops keep “the darkies” in their place, like he successfully did to New York City.

Although his campaign seemed to come out of nowhere (and sort of resembles a desperate attempt to prevent a Bernie Sanders nomination), the Resistance have been planning this corporatist Tet Offensive for quite some time. Apparently, Subcomandante Bloomberg and his inner circle of sub-subcomandantes have been hiding out deep in the mountainous jungles of Manhattan’s affluent Upper East Side (or in the Hamptons, or London, or in one of El Jefe’s other multi-million-dollar homes) since Trump and the Russians invaded the country, waiting for the perfect moment to start inundating the American people with television commercials and social media posts informing them of his “electability.”

Clearly, that moment has now arrived.

Bloomberg has spent over \$400 million on TV, radio, and digital ads, and it isn’t even Super Tuesday yet. He bought the Democratic National Committee and had them change the rules so he could join the debates (which, based on his poor performance in Las Vegas, might not have been the most brilliant strategy). He has been buying politicians, community organizers, journalists, pundits, his opponents’ campaign staff, Instagram and Facebook influencers, and everyone else he can possibly buy to support his campaign to buy the presidency … which is totally legal, and the American way, and is our only hope of overthrowing the Putin-Nazi Occupation Government and regaining our God-given capitalist freedom!

Sure, to some folks, it looks … well, unseemly (not to mention decidedly undemocratic), this Wall Street oligarch attempting to bribe and bully his way into the White House, but, given the stakes, what choice do we have? As the corporate media and intelligence agencies have been telling us for the last three years, the country is under occupation by an evil conspiracy of Russian-backed Nazis personally controlled by Vladimir Putin! More or less any moment now, Putin is going to order Trump to nullify the U.S. Constitution, declare martial law, appoint himself Führer, and start rounding up and murdering the Jews … or investigating Hunter Biden, or the spooks who have been trying to force him out of office.

This Putin-Nazism cannot continue! Trump must be deposed, no matter the cost. As Robert Reich put it in this piece in The Guardian:

“If the only way we can get rid of the sociopathic tyrant named Trump is with an oligarch named Bloomberg, we will have to choose the oligarch.”

There you have it, folks. We’ll have to choose Bloomberg, or else his golf buddy, Literal Hitler, will destroy the fabric of democracy, or whatever.

Another op-ed in The Washington Post, It Might Be Time to Take Bloomberg Seriously, wondered, if it comes down to Bloomberg versus Bernie:

“Do you choose socialism or capitalism? An ideologue or an executive? Are you really going to ask Americans to trade one extreme for the other, or do you want to offer them a certified, electable moderate?”

Vox, in its “Case for Michael Bloomberg — Mike Bloomberg and His Billions Are What Democrats Need to Beat Trump,” observes that, sure, Bloomberg has drawbacks, like his history of racist remarks and policies, abusing women, oppressing the poor, and just generally being an arrogant little authoritarian corporatist creep, but hey, he’s apologized for all that stuff, and he’ll probably never do it again.

Plus, according to this piece in …uh, Bloomberg Opinion (which “does not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of Bloomberg LP and its owners”), The 2020 Election Is a Choice Between Democracy and Putinism! At the end of the day, once the dust has settled:

“It will come down to rule of law. In November, Americans will decide whether they will fight for the foundation of liberal democracy and democratic capitalism or whether they will accede to Putinism.”

You’ll be hearing variations of this message over and over, and over again, as we approach election day in November … that is, assuming Bloomberg and the rest of the Resistance can buy, bribe, badger, and bamboozle enough Democratic voters into nominating him. First, they need to deal with Bernie Sanders and his swarm of kill-crazy commie terrorists (who rumor has it are also being remotely controlled by Vladimir Putin). To do this, all they will need to do is deny Sanders a first ballot win in Milwaukee, which shouldn’t be too hard to accomplish. Sure, a brokered convention will be ugly, but, as Robert Reich said, they’ll have to do it, or else … well, you know, end of democracy.

Yes, I’m aware that Subcomandante Bloomberg blew his first debate (prompting Twitter pundits to pronounce him DOA) and that millions of “progressive” Democrats hate him, and that the corporate media are running a lot of “Bloomberg’s Nasty Past” pieces now (in order to maintain the appearance of journalism), but, make no mistake, if he secures the nomination, they’ll be lining up to “reluctantly” endorse him, because the alternative will be Russian Hitler!

Look, it’s easy to get distracted by the day-to-day ups and downs of the horse race (which is the primary purpose of the horse race, after all) and forget that we are in the middle of a global capitalist War on Populism … a war that GloboCap intends to win. Sure, they will survive another four years of Trump (or even four years of Sanders if they have to), but, at some point, in order to restore “normality,” or “democratic capitalism,” or whatever, they are probably going to need to stop dicking around and install a bona fide global capitalist oligarch in the Oval Office. They are going to need to do this in order to crush the hopes of the populist insurgency that erupted in the Spring of 2016, and led to the rise of Donald Trump, Bernie Sanders, Jeremy Corbyn, the Brexit, the ongoing protests in France, the downfall of Angela Merkel, etc.

Another Obama is not going to cut it … people aren’t buying that con anymore. No, if the empire is going to reestablish control, it is going to need to take its liberal mask off, and shove a blatant corporatist oligarch like Bloomberg down the public’s throat in order to remind everyone who’s boss. It may not be Michael Bloomberg this time, but it is going to be someone like Bloomberg eventually. Someone powerful, and extremely unpleasant, who will be sold to us as the only one who can save the world from the “Nazis” and the “Russians” … which will necessitate taking some very extreme measures, like the ones we took during the War on Terror. You remember the measures we took back then, don’t you?

Or what, you think that GloboCap has been manufacturing all this mass hysteria over “Russian election interference” and “Nazi terrorism” for their own amusement? Yeah, that’s probably all it is. It’s probably not a prelude to anything.

C. J. Hopkins is an award-winning American playwright, novelist and political satirist based in Berlin. His plays are published by Bloomsbury Publishing and Broadway Play Publishing, Inc. His dystopian novel, Zone 23, is published by Snoggsworthy, Swaine & Cormorant. Volume I of his Consent Factory Essays is published by Consent Factory Publishing, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Amalgamated Content, Inc. He can be reached at or

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  1. …you think that GloboCap has been manufacturing all this mass hysteria over “Russian election interference” and “Nazi terrorism” for their own amusement? Yeah, that’s probably all it is. It’s probably not a prelude to anything.

    If I were the kind of neo-liberal, NRP-style douche who goes around characterizing this or that as being “problematic”, or “the takeway”, then this quote would be the problematic takeaway from this essay.

  2. Tulip says:

    Democracy is great so long as the People don’t actually try and use it. Then it takes Fascism to prevent Democracy from falling into the wrong hands.

    But be assured, the American Fascists will be LGBT+ and support the State of Israel and committed E-racists, so nothing to worry about if you don’t smoke, drink soda or possess guns. Just don’t criticize the Government as they will be monitoring you with your phone from your \$2000/month group living pod.

  3. onebornfree says: • Website

    So which Dictator will all the slaves get bamboozled into voting for this time around, Trump or some newbie [fill in blank]?

    The devil they know, or the new evil they don’t know?

    In the end, it all boils down to the question of: “full-on marxism or full-on fascism- which “side”is gonna win this time around?” [as if there is any fundamental difference between the two “sides”], when, regardless of which side wins ultimately this time around, we still end up with either some idiot marxist or some idiot fascist intent on running everyone’s lives for them.

    No candidate on either side talks seriously [let alone lies half-way convincingly!], about fully restoring individual freedom, fully restoring the 1st.amendment, getting rid of all anti 2nd amendment laws [+ all anti-3rd, 4th,5th,6th, 7th.8th.9th.10th amendment laws], abolishing the income tax, ending the drug war, getting out of all foreign wars, abolishing the Dept. of “Education”, Social Security, the FDA, the EPA, the Federal Reserve, the FBI, the CIA, the Pentagon etc. etc etc., and all the rest of the vast mass of entirely unconstitutional , wholly criminal, federal agencies IMMEDIATELY,and returning the Federal government to its original constitutional limitations IMMEDIATELY. Nobody.

    Or even [ if that much is simply too much to ask], going half-way down that path- or even just taking one single step down that path. No one.

    Dems or Repubs, its all just a giant shit-show; Kabuki theatre for the vast mass of indoctrinated slaves who now make up 99% of the population in “the land of the Free”.

    And so it goes…….What a frickin’ joke!

    Regards, onebornfree

    • Agree: Omegabooks, Kali
    • Replies: @Rabbitnexus
  4. It’s funny how Hopkins just brushes off the charge that Bernie Bros are psychotic misfits by linking to one of his own columns brushing off that charge.

    • Replies: @A123
  5. A123 says:

    Bernie Bros are very violent and dangerous. Ask Steve Scalise: (1)

    Perhaps the most infamous example of Bernie Bro violence occurred in 2017 in what became known as the congressional baseball shooting, wherein Scalise and three other victims were shot during a practice for the congressional charity baseball game. James T. Hodgkinson, who federal authorities identified as the shooter and who died in a shootout with police, was a staunch Bernie Sanders supporter and fit the Bernie Bro descriptor, which has come to encapsulate the segment of Sanders’ insufferable and intolerant far-left supporters, who are mostly young, white males apparently motivated at least in part by racism and sexism.

    Hodgkinson’s ideology was clear from his Facebook account, where he had posted things such as “Trump is a Traitor. Trump Has Destroyed Our Democracy. It’s Time to Destroy Trump & Co,” and “Republicans are the Taliban of the USA.”

    Thought to be honest — The entire ultra-left core of the Democrat Party is dangerous. Look at the media’s support for the Fascist Stormtroopers of Antifa.

    A violent Dem recently drove his truck through a voter registration booth.


    The left has normalized political violence in the U.S., and at some point they will regret it.

    PEACE 😇


  6. TG says:

    One angle on all this craziness is that our elites have become completely corrupt – total power has made them lose their minds. They’ve been playing a rigged game for so long, where every bad investment is bailed out by the taxpayer, and every bad political decision is hailed as the mark of a ‘realistic’ decision maker by an army of sycophants, that they no longer know how to think clearly.

    In the past we had oligarchs take high political office – FDR and his cousin Theodore come to mind – and that wasn’t so bad. Can you imagine if either FDR or TR had been on stage during this recent debate, that they would have floundered like Bloomberg?

    We just don’t make oligarchs like we used to.

    • Replies: @MarkU
  7. This Putin-Nazism cannot continue! Trump must be deposed, no matter the cost. As Robert Reich put it in this piece in The Guardian:

    “If the only way we can get rid of the sociopathic tyrant named Trump is with an oligarch named Bloomberg, we will have to choose the oligarch.”

  8. @onebornfree

    So boring this obsession with Communism yanks have. Can none of you actually tell the difference between Communism and socialism? Communism is a socialist system, but socialism is not communism. My country Australia is more socialist than Sanders is talking about, and anyway he won’t follow through on any of it that matters. Germany, Canada, Denmark etc the list of countries which are more socialist than anything you dummies have ever been threatened with includes the ten developed nations with the highest living standards, lowest wealth gap, best healthcare, education, and the happiest most satisfied populations. The USA is number 11 out of that list and the only one which craps itself everytime anyone talks about any sort of socialist concept and starts seeing reds under all the beds. So boring honestly and so frustrating one just wants to whack you dummies upside the head with a ciricket bat and tell you all to stop being such broken records, open your puny minds and get a clue. The USA has to most ridiculous, farcical political discussion imaginable. Too preposterous to pass off as anything more sophisticaed than Dumb and Dumber or Cheech and Chong’s Up In Smoke if it was a comedy.

    Being this thick-headed and reactionary just makes you so much easier to play and play you they do.

    • Agree: Biff, Erebus
    • Replies: @Tulip
    , @anarchyst
  9. El Caballo Pequeño! El Jefe Mínimo!

    Thanks, Hopkins, for the coffee that was just violently expelled from my nose and onto the device in front of me.

    That sort of Comedy Gold should be preceded by a warning: “Do NOT read further until your mouth is empty!”

    Seriously, sir, you are a fucking genius. Or at least a chaste one, anyway.

  10. happiest most satisfied populations

    You mean like Norway?

    Or do you mean Oz?

    • LOL: NoseytheDuke
  11. Biff says:

    I never thought the Russians could be so powerful and cunning as to being able to thwart a democracy that didn’t even exist in the first place.

  12. Cowboy says:

    Is it me or has the zeitgeist of the cursed tribe (apostle Paul) decided now is the time to make a major final power move? The parade of the demon possessed characters on the national stage like Schiff, Schumer, Bloomberg, et al seems to be increasing at an exponential rate

  13. Tulip says:

    We don’t take kindly to foreigners preaching the virtues of big gubberment, thank you.

    We get our ‘Merican political philosophy from Alise Rosenbaum (AKA Aryan Rand) and Murray Rothbard, and we don’t need no Ruskie or Ruskie apologists tellin’ us how to thank. We can thank for ourselves Commie.

    • LOL: utu
    • Replies: @Parfois1
  14. Hillbob says:

    One of the fattest maggots on the decaying corpse of the US…..

  15. Parfois1 says:

    We can thank for ourselves Commie.

    I apologise on Rabbitnexus’s behalf. He’s a tad forward and takes liberties at times, but he’s a good and well-meaning bloke and wishes to extend his comradeship to the US cousins once removed (hereafter “Cor”), and he gets pissed off when the Cors get their political terminology compass all wrong, can’t tell the difference between right and left (presumably because “right” for them means “the correct way” and “left” means sinister, because of the Latin connotation), and they believe they have a democracy instead of oligarchic fascism and other absurd beliefs like freedom, constitutional rights (oops, that confounded word again!), indispensable exceptionalism and whatnots.

    In fact he could be right – in which case he would be a right Commie – but it is getting too complicated…

  16. MarkU says:

    We just don’t make oligarchs like we used to

    That is what I have been saying for some time. Dynasties are usually founded by people with talent. Unfortunately the mean recession to the norm practically guarantees that the inheritors of their vast fortunes are increasingly likely to be people of very ordinary ability but extraordinary arrogance. The age of the Caligulas and the Neros is upon us.

  17. Ragno says:

    Nothing complicated about the choice awaiting Democrats. Just choose your preferred greeting.

  18. Don Tate says:

    Overwrought. I could no more read the whole article than eat 15 pounds of glazed pastry.

  19. anarchyst says:

    All of the countries you mention can afford to be “socialist” as your defense is provided to and for you by “Uncle Sam”, the “good ol’ USA”, which you and your foreign countries really despise
    Take away the American “defense umbrella” and see how your “socialism” works out.
    Communism is real and provides all of those “at the top” running it with massive “perks” while the “proletariat” lives a meager existence on “crumbs from the (jewish) commissars”.
    Communism has never worked.
    Even is socialist countries, tax rates are at confiscatory levels…

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