NBC is furiously erasing its tracks. Any attempts to upload the forbidden SNL bailout skit skewering George Soros and his left-wing subprime schemer friends Herbert and Marion Sandler will likely be squashed. So, I transcribed the whole comedy sketch for you and provided screenshots for the 7-minute video that has disappeared from NBC and Hulu. (Pat Dollard’s blog has posted the full clip on its server. Thanks to Ms. Underestimated for the .wmv file.)
The hits on the Sandlers ( “People who should be shot”) and Soros ( “Owner, Democratic Party”) occur near the end of the skit.
Announcer: Next on C-SPAN, President Bush, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, and Congressman Barney Frank appeared earlier today at a joint press conference to comment on the financial bailout measure just passed by Congress.
Bush: Good afternoon. On Friday, this Congress was able to put aside its differences and come together in the bipartisan spirit to pass legislation that was absolutely vital to ensure world confidence in our financial markets and prevent a collapse of credit which would have had a catastrophic effect on our economy. Approving this bill was the right thing to do and I commend our legislators for their actions. Speaker Pelosi.
Pelosi: Thank you, Mr. President. I, too, applaud Congress for this vote and add that without your vote, this bill might well have failed. Even though this crisis was 100 percent the fault of your administration and it’s insane economic policies. And though I’m sure you’ll agree, you will go down in history as our worst president ever. This one time, you did manage to not screw things up and I wanna acknowledge that.
Bush: Thank you, Madame Speaker. I was glad to do it.
Frank: Let me add, Mr. President, I was also pleased to see that for the first time during your eight years in office and possibly your entire life, you were able to demonstrate leadership, not to mention simple human decency.
Bush: You bet, you bet.
Pelosi: Let’s not forget, Mr. President, that it was the Democrats that first sounded the alarm about the risky mortgage loans that Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were encouraging and that your party resisted all our efforts to rein them in.
Bush: W-w-w-w-ait. Wasn’t it my administration that warned about the problem six years ago? And it was the Democrats that refused to listen?!
Pelosi: What? Who told you that? That’s crazy. It was completely the other way around.
Frank: Actually. This time, he’s sort of right.
Pelosi: Shhh! Don’t say anything. He doesn’t know. Now, there was another point we wanted to make here and you are welcome to stay.
Bush: Thank you. I’d like that.
Pelosi: Back there would be better.
Bush: No problem.
Pelosi: In the past few weeks, this debate has focused on the wisdom of government intervention in the housing markets. What hasn’t been talked about is that behind every home foreclosure, there is a story of real suffering by real Americans. People who, but for the grace of God, could be you or your neighbors. And today, we’d like to introduce you to some of them.
Michael McCune and Jerome Gant, two ordinary Americans whose only crime was to play by the rules and who now find themselves facing eviction from their homes.
Please tell us your story.
Michael: Uh, well, to start. I still don’t understand how this happened to me. I mean, I fit all the requirements for a subprime mortgage. Uh, no credit history.
Jerome: Same here.
Michael: No job.
Jerome: Me neither.
Michael: Minor criminal record.
Michael: Dishonorable discharge from the Army.
Jerome: Yeah, I got mine right here.
Michael: Uh, drug problems.
Jerome: Me, too.
Michael: Uh, alcohol problems.
Jerome: Guilty as charged.
Michael: Gambling addiction.
Michael: Pregnant girlfriend — actually, two pregnant girlfriends.
Jerome: Just the one.
Well, I was talked into a balloon mortgage. Where you move into the house. And then you get to live in it. And you don’t have to, like, pay money or anything to the bank. But then later, you do.
Jerome: Yeah, what up with dat?
Michael: I mean, you could say I’m a double victim, since I never had a job and now I don’t have a home!
Jerome: Well, I’m a triple victim, because now I’ve been charged with arson for allegedly setting fire to the house they evicted me from.
Pelosi: You are both in our thoughts. (Hugs Michael. Won’t hug Jerome.)
This is Greg Phillips and his wife, Judy. How did the housing collapse affect you?
My wife and I bought two dozen time-share condos which we heavily mortgaged in order to flip them 6 months later for triple the purchase price and then the real estate market tanked.
Pelosi: And you were doing this through…
Pelosi: No, I meant, did you do this out of your home…
Judy: Out of greed.
Greg: Yes, out of greed.
Pelosi: And now, with the real estate market down, you’re stuck with two dozen time-share condos that you can’t sell…
Judy: Unless we can sell them for, like, 10 percent more than we paid.
Pelosi: So, you can’t make your mortgage payments.
Greg: Not without selling the boat. Or putting off essential cosmetic surgery.
Pelosi: And who is this? This is Crystal, our surrogate mother.
Judy: You see, I can’t have children…without getting bad stretch marks.
Pelosi: You are also in our thoughts and prayers.
This is Herbert and Marion Sandler. Tell us your story.
Herbert Sandler: My wife and I had a company which aggressively marketed subprime mortgages, and then bundled them into securities to sell to banks such as Wachovia. Today, our portfolio is worth almost nothing — though at one point, it was worth close to $19 billion.
Pelosi: My God. I am so sorry. Were you able to sell it for anything.
Herbert Sandler: Yes, for $24 billion.
Pelosi: I see. So in that sense, you’re not so to speak, actual victims.
Herbert Sandler (chuckling): Oh, no. That would be Wachovia Bank.
Marion Sandler: Actually, we’ve done quite well. We’re very happy.
Herbert Sandler: We were sort of wondering why you asked us to come today.
Marion Sandler: Anyway, it’s delightful to see you, Nancy. (Kisses Pelosi.)
Herbert Sandler: And thank you, Congressman Frank, as well as many Republicans for helping block
Congressional oversight of our corrupt activities.
Frank: Not at all. Let me say something else here. You know, many of you are probably wondering, “Where will that $700 billion missing from our economy go?” To help answer that, let me introduce our good friend, billionaire hedge fund manager, George Soros.
Soros: So what became of zat $700 beellion dollars? Well, basically it belongs to me, now. Actually, it’s not even dollars anymore, but Swiss franks, since I have taken a short position against the dollar.
Bush: Oh, really. That’s not good.
Soros: You’re not to speak. I don’t like you.
Yes, uh, zee U.S. dollar will have to be devalued sometime next week. Either Tuesday or Wednesday. I haven’t decided wheech yet. It will depend on how I feel.
Frank: Thank you very much, Mr. Soros. You’re a great man.
Soros: Could I just add that even though you know what’s coming, you won’t be able to do anything about it.
Pelosi: You’re a wise man, Mr. Soros. And a powerful one.
Frank: You are better than us.
Soros (pointing to Anne Hathaway character): Your wife is physically attractive. Sell her to me, please.
Greg and Judy: Sure. Ok.
Announcer: We’ll now leave this press conference and join a discussion of Sen. McCain’s foreign policy positions already in progress. Gov. Palin is about to say something embarrassing.