American universities are a mess, everything from embracing merit-killing diversity, enrolling guaranteed –to fail dummies, hiring parasitic Deans of Inclusion to permitting thugs to stifle free speech. And this list hardly ends the tale of woe. All are shakedown and no matter how stupid or costly, the campus apparatchiki surrender at the first sign of trouble.
Even more depressing, defenders of academic integrity are bewildered. At best they offer platitudes on the importance of open debate or similar empty gestures. Ironically, the entire mess could be solved almost overnight: expel rowdy social justice warriors, end all mandatory sensitivity training, toughen up admission standards and refuse to allow Left-dominated academic departments to hire and promote ideologues. Within a year or two, sanity will be restored.
This will not, however, happen for the simple reason that virtually every college and university administrator is a coward. You can smell the fear and since career-minded bureaucrats are paying the Danegelt with other people’s money, why invite trouble by saying “no”? What college president wants to be remembered as the idiot who permitted the monthly rally to hire more faculty of color to spiral out of control into a riot requiring the state police to clear the quad with tear gas? Safer to maintain the mendacious façade and preemptively capitulate.
Now, given the futility of making sheep into lions let alone governors or even trustees overruling these well-paid wimps, what is to be done? Let me suggest the universities hire Mafioso and let them deal with BLM brutes and oversee the fallout when the diversity gravy train stops. Mafia hoods enjoy a well-deserved reputations for protecting newly acquired turf and hard to imagine a wise-guy enforcer intimidated by the Transgendered Alliance for Social Justice. They’ve encountered far worse and, happily, thanks to movies like The Godfather everybody is familiar with their brutal tactics. The President of Yale is an absolute pussy compared to an entry-level capo from Brooklyn.
Not as difficult as you might imagine, though of course the word “Mafia” is unspeakable. Consider the hypothetical letter from the President of Farber College announcing this new policy.
Office of the President
September 1, 2017
To: all members of the Diversity, Inclusion, and Multicultural Communities:
From: President Martin
As we all know, Farber College has long honored its commitment to diversity, inclusion, tolerance, multiculturalism and making everyone, regardless of race, gender, disability, sexual preference and intellectual disadvantage feel welcomed. We have spent millions to purge the campus of racism, sexism, homophobia, lookism, able-ism and all other prejudices so deeply rooted in American history. Our record speaks for itself.
Nevertheless, we now live in challenging financial times and, to be blunt, our university is on the verge of bankruptcy and painful choices are required. It is thus with great sadness that I must inform everyone that all these social justice initiatives must be ended. The upcoming Spring semester will, sad to say, be the last one for these programs. Yes, I agree that this draconian option will impose hardships on all those who have for so long struggled to achieve fairness and equality, but refusing to face this harsh financial reality would mean the end of Farber.
But, I have some good news to report—despite the downsizing, our commitment to the safety of students regardless of backgrounds, appearances or sexual inclination will be as strong as ever but we can now fulfill this mission at a cost that will allow Farber to continue serving all the diverse communities. We will shortly create the Office of Campus Safety and Inclusion to be administered by the Italian-American Brotherhood (IAB), a long established organization meeting the needs of under-served communities.
So, beginning the Fall of 2017, the Farber community will be overseen by a Vice-President of Tolerance and Acceptance, Vincent “The Chin” Gigante to be assisted by the Associate Dean of Campus Harmony, Victorio “Little Vic” Amuso. Make no mistake, the welfare of previously discriminated, marginalized and stigmatized groups will never be compromised, and to this end, each Farber community can count on a dedicated administrator to champion their interest. For example, I will assign Assistant Dean Carmine Persico to be the liaison to the Black Students Association, and rest assured, I cannot think of a more stalwart champion of the people of color community.
For those administrators, faculty and others who will no longer be part of the Farber family, I genuinely feel your pain. I have therefore established a transition committee that will help you find new employment opportunities elsewhere, and I am optimistic given how today’s society is so deeply infused with hate and bigotry. This special committee will be chaired by Anthony “Tony Bagels” Cavezza who will be assisted by Frank “Meatball” Bellantoni and Vincenzo “Vinny Carwash” Frogiero.
I hope you understand this transition and the many challenges it poses but, to repeat, Farber College will continue to be a world leader in diversity and inclusion.
President, Farber College
Obviously all comic fantasy (though the Mafia names are real) but the point is obvious: ending everything would be done almost overnight and, finally, it will be the social justice snowflakes who will be terrified, not the college president. Can you picture Vincent “The Chin” Gigante knuckling under after a visit from the transgendered alliance demanding that Farber College eliminate all pictographic signs for bathroom since they imply arbitrary gender-related differences in appearance? More likely, “the Chin” will explain that Farber is a wonderful little college and it would be a shame if they were unable to enjoy it due to a crippling accident. Understand?
Let me suggest that the best way of proceeding is to hire, especially at the very top, candidates who have displayed a modicum of a stiff spine. To be absolutely unPC, we need more masculine administrators and since gender, as we all know, is socially constructed, this job requirement cannot be sexist (think Margaret Thatcher). And rest assured, once it is known that physical toughness is the fast track to a cushy administrative job since so few applicants can boast of this trait, hundreds of wimps will convert, re-make their persona and even pack some heat to demonstrate their mettle. As Niccolo Machiavelli said, it is better to be feared than to be loved, if you cannot have both. The social justice warriors need an offer they cannot refuse.