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Mohamed Atta, the apparent ringleader of the 9/11 terrorist squad that destroyed our World Trade Center and killed 3,000 Americans, was clearly a very bad man, at least by American standards.

But although his attack automatically placed him beyond the reach of American (as opposed to Divine) justice, we may rest assured that he went to his death having already suffered considerable punishment from our federal officials. For although newly disclosed documents have proven that our incompetent FBI and CIA bureaucracies miserably failed in their security mission, a far more effective government agent, namely one of our humble federal loan administrators, did not. The misery this unsung American hero inflicted upon the unfortunate Mr. Atta should easily assuage all unrequited cries for vengeance from our thousands of widows and orphans.

For it seems that Mr. Atta, being a particularly thrifty terrorist, apparently made long and frustrating attempts to secure a federal loan of $650,000 to finance his worthy effort to destroy America (or at least a considerable portion of it). Yet from the accounts recently provided in the media, it appears that the poor man was completely unprepared for the volume and complexity of the official paperwork with which he was bombarded, particularly since the loan officer assigned to his case was but a mere lowly “female,” one Johnelle Bryant.

Poor Mr. Atta seems to have originally labored under the mistaken impression that he could merely walk into any government office, describe his profession as martyrdom-seeking terrorist, fill out a simple loan request—for destroying America— and within fifteen or twenty minutes be walking out the door with $650,000 cash in hand, merrily humming Koranic verses as he priced out light aircraft, industrial-size nerve-gas-spray- canisters, and high-explosive devices.

But such is the false myth of American efficiency, especially in the Third World whence Mr. Atta hailed. In actual practice, we can imagine the severe annoyance that poor Mr. Atta felt at his encounter with the loan officer, and the probing and intrusive nature of the questions she asked. We can equally well contemplate poor Johnelle Bryant’s growing horror as it gradually dawned on her that the seemingly well-intentioned murderous terrorist in her office actually possessed an absolute disregard for every civilized American multicultural norm.

Consider that his death squad contained no designated affirmative-action officer and had never undergone proper sexual-harassment training. Not only was there no proof that efforts were continually being undertaken to properly recruit, train, and promote female terrorists, but this lack of female empowerment was very likely due to the creation of a hostile working environment, as implied by Mr. Atta’s belief that immodest females should be stoned to death. Furthermore, there was no evidence that the guns, knifes, and box-cutters that constituted the daily working tools of Mr. Atta and his colleagues had been properly modified for use by the differently-abled. We need only guess at what his official policy was for providing health benefits to the committed partners of gay or transsexual terrorists.

Furthermore, Mr. Atta was downright rude in his behavior, straining even those generous limits of multicultural understanding that our government officials are encouraged to display toward the different cultural customs of our international visitors.

For example, once it began to seem his terrorism loan might not be immediately approved, the increasingly annoyed Mr. Atta suggested to Miss. Bryant he might simply decide to cut her throat instead and steal the millions in cash she surely kept in the safe behind her desk. Fortunately, she reacted according to the best multicultural principles, coolly pointing out that her safe held no actual cash and that anyway as a fully-liberated modern feminist she would vigorously resist any attempt to verbally-disempower or brutally murder.

Given Mr. Atta’s rude behavior, Miss. Bryant was far less than sympathetic to his efforts to make amends by expressing strong interest in America’s greatest national monuments in Washington DC, and suggesting that their destruction would garner much favorable worldwide media coverage.

Similarly, her lack of a sufficiently broad multicultural education left her sadly ignorant of important world political and religious leaders. Thus, when Mr. Atta repeatedly expressed his fervent devotion to his great leader, Osama bin Laden, whose previous attacks against American targets had already left many hundreds dead, she could merely nod her head blankly, rather than intelligently discuss his merits as opposed to those of other great Third World multiculturalist heroes such as Mummar Ghadafi and the late, lamented Ayatollah Khomeini of Iran.

Finally, the crest-fallen Mr. Atta gave up, presumably deciding that if America were ever going to be destroyed, he’d need to raise the necessary funding from other sources, perhaps even from his own notoriously stingy terrorist superiors. We might guess that he left the government office muttering darkly to himself that federal loan officers probably had an unspoken policy of quietly discriminating against foreign anti-American terrorists, regardless of how well planned their proposed attacks, probably reserving their funds for native-born terrorists instead. Perhaps a detailed investigation will reveal he filed a complaint with the EEOC registering his suspicions on this matter.

Conservative critics of affirmative action policies should note that for historical but certainly less than rational reasons, Arabs and Muslims, regardless of their foreign or even terrorist status, are officially classified by our government agencies as “other whites,” being no more members of properly recognized minority groups than are American terrorists tracing their ancestry back to the Mayflower. We might thus suspect that if Mr. Atta had not been an honorary WASP, but had instead been a member of a recognized minority group—or perhaps of the female or indeterminate gender—his terrorism loan would have been approved immediately. Perhaps the Federalist Society should recruit one of its members to sue pro bono on behalf of Mr. Atta’s heirs, thereby establishing a strong legal precedent for all future “other white” anti-American terrorists who apply for government loans.

ORDER IT NOW

Finally, this incident clearly shows that the diversity training materials for our federal loan officers must be substantially improved and updated. There can be little doubt that the confused Miss. Bryant had never been taught the proper multiculturalist procedure for dealing with an agitated foreign terrorist when he threatened to cut one’s throat and steal millions from one’s office safe. Presumably, once he stormed out in a huff, she consulted both the table of contents and the index of her 1872-page federal diversity manual, searching vainly under “Throat-Cutting,” but finally gave up and decided to take an early lunch instead.

During this great national crisis we face, all of us, even including our shrewdest and most alert federal loan officers, must redouble our efforts to properly understand the thoughts and values of our foreign friends and visitors. Miss. Johnelle Bryant Should stand as a lesson to us all.

 
• Category: Foreign Policy • Tags: Humor, Middle East 
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