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The Onion on Starbucks
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  1. And what sort of music will they play in the restrooms?

  2. What music will they play in the restrooms?

  3. Lot says:

    Italy has a new all-populist government, with the left wing populists in the senior position. They are calling for large increases in welfare plus 500,000 deportations. There is also talk about a partial default on its debt, which would be great blow to the Eurocrats and the big banks.

    The lefties in France, the UK, etc hopefully will now see it is their migration policy that keeps them locked out of power.

    • Replies: @Buffalo Joe
    , @J.Ross
  4. Hell I’m waiting for them to install abortion clinics in the restrooms.

    …or at least the vending machines that sell the French ticklers for $.75 cents.

    • Replies: @Buffalo Joe
    , @njguy73
  5. Howard Shultz’s SJW agenda and the growth-and-profit agenda of Starbucks’ shareholders are looking increasingly incompatible. Will he get himself fired? I am guessing that by December he will be gone from Starbucks (admittedly, my personal forecasting record is not brilliant).

  6. Rod1963 says:

    When the Onion has to play catch up, you know reality has went pear shaped. But really, this is just the logical extension of cultural Marxism/post-modern thinking. And it couldn’t happen to a better more socially progressive company. Hoisted on their petard as it were.

  7. Kyle says:

    Technically this is not satire, which would be The Onions repertoire. This is straight news.

  8. At press time, the manager of a Starbucks in Phoenix, AZ had reportedly called the police on a black customer after he failed to masturbate or do any drugs within the first five minutes of his visit.

  9. ChrisZ says:

    Lindsey Graham read that tweet and swooned.

    • LOL: AnotherDad
  10. syonredux says:
    @Paleo Liberal

    And what sort of music will they play in the restrooms?

  11. As long as there’s WiFi in the restrooms…

  12. Farenheit says:

    What, not encouraging Grindr hook ups? Seems kinda homophobic to me…and you’d have a good chance of BOTH drugs and jerking off at the same time!!

  13. Jake says:

    When the Elites decide that masturbation in a public restroom is a civil right, not just Starbucks, but every other whore business in this age of Cult Marx insanity, will invite people to prove the new civil rights are good for all.

  14. Jake says:
    @Paleo Liberal

    Divinyls “I Touch Myself.”

    • LOL: Paleo Liberal
    • Replies: @E. Rekshun
  15. Olorin says:

    Somebody needs to look up how much of the Starbucks empire involves delivery of/profits on $7 coffee drinks…

    …and how much involves commercial real estate speculation.

  16. @Lot

    Lot, 500,000 deportations back to Africa or into the adjoining EU countries? The country of my forefathers will be minority Italian by 2050.

  17. @MikeatMikedotMike

    Mike, Years ago a bar owner told me he installed a Condom-French Tickler dispenser in the lady’s john. He never stocked it and he emptied the quarters out daily. Never had a woman tell him she didn’t get her FT or condom.

    • Replies: @MikeatMikedotMike
  18. J.Ross says: • Website

    • Replies: @Whiskey
    , @Father O'Hara
    , @Lot
  19. J.Ross says: • Website

    OT Pulitzer Prize winning rapper Kendrick Lamar (sample lyrics: “I hate you [white people]“) brought a portly white woman on stage at a concert to help him rap a song called “MAAD City;” it turned out that she knew the lyrics and was able to help him rap MAAD City.
    Of course, this is both terrible and completely unforeseeable, most of all to Mr Lamar, who had no reason to expect that a person he brings onstage to rap would be able to rap.

    • Replies: @anon
    , @Antlitz Grollheim
  20. @Buffalo Joe

    That’s a great story. Starbucks should hire that guy as a consultant.

  21. J.Ross says: • Website

    This is a good observation but you depend on lefties seeing reality; also Five Star is left of center but they’re not what we normally mean by lefties.

    • Replies: @Lot
  22. In keeping with the zeitgeist, I no longer feel obligated to buy something when I go to Starbucks to use the wifi, which I’ve had to do daily for the past week after a severe storm halted cable service in my part of CT. In fact, since I despise Howard Schulz and everything he stands for, not buying anything makes me feel better about myself.

  23. El Dato says:
    @Paleo Liberal

    Original Soundtrack of “Boogie Nights”

  24. anonymous[359] • Disclaimer says:

    They’ll move them to Germany.

  25. njguy73 says:
    @Paleo Liberal

    “Turning Japanese” by the Vapors, “Pictures of Lily” by the Who, “Pump It Up” by Elvis Costello, “Captain Jack” by Billy Joel…

    …and anything by Cypress Hill.

    • Replies: @hhsiii
  26. njguy73 says:

    Since Trump’s election, I’ve heard that the movie “Idiocracy” is becoming more prescient every day.

    I just didn’t think it would lead to “Adult Lattes” at Starbucks.

  27. anon[693] • Disclaimer says:

    This story makes me very sad in a lot of ways…

    • Agree: ben tillman
    • Replies: @Abe
  28. Abe says: • Website

    If I were a bit older and retired (i.e. no longer dependent on full-time employment) I’d love to work at STARBUCKS for a week and stir a bit of controversy into their soy milk-based consumables. Say, write a helpful reminder about how “God is love, not war” to some worthy Muslim gentlemen; or selflessly inform a 200lb blue-haired fatty about the the dangers of preeclampsia should she ever become a happily expectant mother-to-be. The possibilities are endless and completely legal, at least in America, at least for now, and are guaranteed to shave about $100 million off the market cap of our favorite pozglomorate.

    • Replies: @njguy73
  29. Abe says: • Website

    This story makes me very sad in a lot of ways…

    Saddest 6 words in the English language- “Kendrick Lamar drops a new single.”

  30. @J.Ross

    Delightful! The absurdities consumate themseles, in time.

  31. Whiskey says: • Website

    Of course the Lightworker is the go to guy for Hollywood high concept series ideas and producing. Not oh say George Miller or Peter Weir or John Milius or Steven Spielberg or Francis Ford Coppola or John Carpenter.

    Payoff. Like Hillarys book deals

  32. njguy73 says:

    Better idea: just order at Starbucks every day. When they ask for your name, say “Jacques Strap,” “Oliver Klosov,” and “Heywood Jablome.”

    • Replies: @E. Rekshun
  33. Lot says:

    I agree they are not pure lefties, but they became the largest party in Italy mainly by calling for huge unemployment benefits and thus gaining more than half the vote in the poor South. The other big theme is anti-corruption good governance (googoos), which at least in the USA is associated with the center left in the puritan and nordic belts.

    I picture a successful 5-star party in the USA taking votes mainly from the Democrats by making easy to understand promises like “completely free medicare for all” and “$10,000 in cash each year if you make under $50,000.”

    I checked out their views of Israel. Beppe Grillo is a hard core Pali-Syp, the current 5star leadership is more neutral, and the Lega is typical of the successful euro nationalist right and pro-Israel, and even more explicit in opposing Islam specifically than even FN.

    • Replies: @J.Ross
  34. J.Ross says: • Website

    I would love this and so would almost all the white lifelong Democrats who voted for Trump. It raises the question, why hasn’t this been exploited already?

    • Replies: @Lot
  35. @Jake

    Divinyls “I Touch Myself.”

    “Relax don’t do it…” – Frankie Goes to Hollywood

  36. @njguy73

    When they ask for your name, say “Jacques Strap,” “Oliver Klosov,” and “Heywood Jablome.”

    “Jack Meyoff” or my favorite “Ivan E. Rekshun”!

    • Replies: @William Badwhite
  37. @J.Ross

    First project: An up and coming Harvard Law black politician struggles to move forward while hiding his homosexual trysts.

  38. anonymous[379] • Disclaimer says:
    @Paleo Liberal

    “Rosie” by Jackson Browne

  39. Lot says:

    Being a successful populist politician in the USA is a lot harder than being a corporate whore for either party. Sure there is an advantage if you have the resources to get your message out, as Trump and Perot did, but most don’t. Bernie worked his way up slowly in a small state, then crowd funded, and despite this still lost.

    And then when you leave politics, by losing or retirement, the exit options for corporate whores are amazing. When Billy Tauzin retired from congress, he made about $30 million running the Big Pharma lobby group for the next 5 years. Eric Cantor got a $4 million wall street job for being an amnesty martyr. I predict Paul Ryan will make $10 million working for a bank or hedge fund.

    Beppe was about as famous as Trump and somewhat wealthy when he started his party, which is easier to do in Italy and proportional representation systems.

  40. Lot says:

    I will predict the Obamas won’t do anything scripted since that’s a lot harder than some propaganda documentaries. It is also easier to fail with scripted. A documentary doesn’t really have specific ratings expectations or comparisons.

  41. Anon[322] • Disclaimer says:

    Back when Starbucks was in a big expansion phase and it seemed like there was a shop on every corner there was a viral fake press release making the rounds announcing the opening of a new Starbucks inside the restroom of another Starbucks. As I remember, it was pretty funny. Unfortunately the latest news has made it unGoogleable, since the obvious keywords match.

    Found it, the Onion,:

  42. hhsiii says:

    “In My Room” by The Beach Boys. “Blinded By The Light” by Bruce Springsteen (or Manfred Mann version). What do you think that adolescent was pumping into his hat?

  43. Idiocracy nailed it.

    • Agree: donut

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