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My teen comedy movie pitch: An entire college team made up of uncoordinated sports-hating rich dorks, whose parents had rigged their admissions into college by catfishing that their kids were super jocks, find out they have to actually play ball to stay out of jail.

They bitch, then they start to bond, practice hard … and still lose.

Or perhaps the test screening audience in Reseda demands that they win in the end.

Which sport should they play?

How about sailing?

I didn’t know College Sailing was a thing until yesterday, when it turned out the Stanford sailing coach was taking bribes to get seasickness-prone rich dopes into Stanford.

How about if our coed team of losers aren’t at Stanford, but they have to compete with Stanford’s legendary sailing team? (Is Stanford’s sailing team legendary? It is now.)

So, seasickness-prone rich kids who only got into USC because their moms pretended they’d be stars on the USC Sailing Team have to prove to the district attorney they are legit by beating Stanford, which is coached by a Bond Villain-like Silicon Valley tycoon named Lanny Emerson.

Emerson insists that instead of the usual 14-foot dinghies, the two college teams compete in those insanely fast and dangerous high tech catamarans that he had the America’s Cup use a few years ago.

What could possibly go wrong by insisting on filming at sea? This would be an opportunity for a simple teen sports comedy movie to have a Waterworld size budget.

By the way, I don’t want to suggest that Jeff Bezos was’t the first billionaire to come up with the idea of getting all swole, but …

 
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  1. Neat premise. I’d slather on the intersectional backstories thick for the students’ backstories.

    – a Sudanese Muslim boy whose father struck it rich via settlements from frivolous Islamaphobia lawsuit settlements.

    – an otherwise mediocre performing boy that identifies as a transgender girl and becomes an instant ringer.

    • Agree: Lot
    • LOL: Clyde
  2. Sounds like the end of John Cusack’s “One Crazy Summer” where the dorks win the race by secretly putting the engine of the Ivy League villain’s Ferrari (played by a young Jeremy Piven) inside their jalopy sailboat:

    • Replies: @prosa123
  3. ChrisZ says:

    You’ve got to work in the subplot you came up with yesterday, about the aging coach who solicits the parents’ bribes to provide a nest egg for retirement.

    I envision a Sgt. Hulka-like character (from Stripes) who starts out berating the lazy kids, but makes a team out of them and ends up teaching them a lesson in “respect”—before he flies off to live like Jimmy Buffett on an island without an extradition treaty.

  4. Some of the implicit themes:

    Oceans/water/unknown (Great flood)

    Anonymity/thrust into the spotlight (Hero is made)

    Evuul hordes (AKA Stanford actual sailors)

    Rebirth (the female lead must have really good knockers, and she must suffer a near drowning, and be resuscitated only after her clothes are removed – for medical reasons of course – lengthy scene.)

    The Tower of Babel

    • Replies: @Redneck farmer
  5. “Which sport should they play? How about sailing?”

    Well, the premise is only funny if they have to play Sportsball against a team of large, feral, hate-motivated negroes.

    That movie would be funny, but it won’t get made, because reasons.

    The sailing movie could get made, but it won’t be funny.

    • Replies: @Dieter Kief
    , @Colin Wright
  6. anonymous[368] • Disclaimer says:

    “By the way, I don’t want to suggest that Jeff Bezos got the idea of getting all swole from Larry, but …”

    “That boy’s got Barbell Bloat!”

    Granny Clampett

  7. Thirdtwin says:

    They should play basketball, and suck badly until they get their parents to hire some ghetto hoop-dreamers, paint them in whiteface and send them out to win the big game.

  8. I did a food event (International Chowder Festival) in Newport,RI about a decade ago. Some of the boats for the America Cup were in port. Beautiful, sleek and way larger than I thought. But back to the subject at hand…what does a sailing coach make? A six figure bribe and lose a six figure dream job and destroy your reputation. For a glimpse at what colleges pay their coaches Google: 47 Ohio head coaching jobs that pay $250,000. Look at the rowing coaches salary, the fencing coach, the golf coach. Who knew they paid those obscene amounts?

    • Replies: @Prodigal son
    , @bomag
  9. prosa123 says:
    @kimchilover

    In real life, of course, the dorks never win.

    • Replies: @Reg Cæsar
  10. Anon[378] • Disclaimer says:

    Has anyone estimated the percentage of students at super-selective universities (USC, Harvard, Yale, etc) whose parents bought their way in through either illegal bribery or legal endowment donations? 1%? 5%? 10%?

  11. Cortes says:

    A Tall Ships race in which the plucky “hapless” no-hope Stanford dorks find their sea-legs competing against the dastardly elite Ivans, Dengs, Kims, Crispins (Yale) and Horatios ( UK) to circumnavigate the Americas?

    “From C To Shining Sea (Kiss My Aspergers, Suckers!)”

  12. @The Germ Theory of Disease

    the two college teams compete in those insanely fast (…) catamarans that he had the America’s Cup use (…)

    I remember a really funny feature by P. J. O’Rourke about America’s Cup in “Rolling Stone”, with a great caricature by Ralph Steadman and O’Rourke wrote something like – – – oh, and the incredible speed of those boats – especially when you watch them from a press motorboat from about a mile or so away, while the wind is hitting on the press-boat… – – – Could he – with quite a few beers in him, – think of something a least closely alike the scene he could barely see – and then he had it: It was like watching race in slow motion – he estimated the boats made ca. 50 km/h – a bus-race in the desert, only that in this case, the desert consisted of water and made you sick. Final conclusion: “The America’s Cup is like driving your Lamborghini to the Grand Prix track to watch the charter buses race.” -P. J. O’Rourke, Holidays in Hell

    • Replies: @Steve Sailer
  13. Steve, don’t you run into these movie people all the time, you know, that move star that used to be at your high school, this producer whose dad used to be in shop class with your brother, and so on and so on? Have your screenplay written up, so that next time you see one of these people on the 22nd hole or something, you can get them to look at your “treatment”.

    I’m waiting for it to come out at the library for free.

    • Replies: @J.Ross
  14. @James Speaks

    Our investors want to see your completed script.

  15. J.Ross says: • Website
    @Achmed E. Newman

    Achmed you poor sick crazy kid, how will Hollywood in the current year make this movie if it doesn’t feature any established comic book superheroes?

    • Replies: @Lurker
  16. Given all of the media that’s marketed towards young people, and the decades-long national preoccupation with race relations, is there any artifact of popular culture that deals with affirmative action in academics? Soul Man was on the periphery of it. With all of the college-age kids that were on the Cosby show and Blackish, has it ever come up? Any of the Spike Lee or John Singleton’s respective oeuvres? It seems like it could make for an entertaining episode for a dim character to have admissions offers thrown at him but his wiser parents know he’d be miserable.

    I can recall one episode of Frasier, and for some reason, one of What’s Happening? that dealt with it in employment in a critical way. But that’s it.

  17. Anon[340] • Disclaimer says:

    OT: Facebook and Instagram are having global outages. Some people think it’s hackers retaliating for the US bringing down Venezuela’s power grid (if we did–Venezuela is perfectly capable of screwing up on their own). If they think they can bring the US to a halt by shutting down Facebook, that’s hilarious.

    • Replies: @Achmed E. Newman
    , @J.Ross
  18. @prosa123

    In real life, of course, the dorks never win.

    Obama won twice. Against a soldier and a preppie type. So it happens.

  19. njguy73 says:

    All we got on this team are a buncha Jews, (who definitely don’t contribute disproportianally to political candidates,) Latinx, African-Americans, gender non-conformists, and a mentally challenged mucophagist!

  20. @The Germ Theory of Disease

    ‘…Well, the premise is only funny if they have to play Sportsball against a team of large, feral, hate-motivated negroes.

    That movie would be funny, but it won’t get made, because reasons…’

    It could be made — so long as the whites lose.

    It’s all okay, as long as you know your place.

  21. “My teen comedy movie pitch: An entire college team made up of uncoordinated sports-hating rich dorks, whose parents had rigged their admissions into college by catfishing that their kids were super jocks, find out they have to actually play ball to stay out of jail.

    They bitch, then they start to bond, practice hard … and still lose.”

    Steve – the closest movie made with this premise is a comedy made in 1991 called Necessary Roughness, with a solid cast of character actors. The team – Texas State Armadillos – goes 1-8-1 (which was the Chaminade HS varsity football team’s record the previous season in 1990).

    If you haven’t seen it, it’s fun movie free of political BS.

  22. @Anon

    Don’t these people have emergency, uhh, servers, powered by vacuum pumps or waterfalls or something? Should I fill the bathtub with water?!

    Without my Facebook and Instagram, I’m just not myself. What if a friend wanted to send me pictures of his new casserole recipe? WTF am I supposed to do?! SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING!

  23. Lurker says:
    @J.Ross

    The college kids could be the talentless offspring of superheroes?

  24. I was most surprised to find out that USC has a crew team. Do they put wheels on their boats and just push their oars against the concrete?

  25. I believe you refer to the IT Arch Villain Larry Ellison, of Oracle.

    An enthusiastic user of anabolic steroids, by the looks of the 2nd pic.

  26. @Dieter Kief

    Larry Ellison’s catamarans were so fast that they actually got a sailor killed during practice.

    The winner of the last race gets to choose where to hold the next America’s Cup and in what types of boats. Larry went very high tech.

    • Replies: @Dieter Kief
    , @anon
  27. anon[211] • Disclaimer says:

    The irrelevance of HBD: White people may be “smarter” than other folks, but the reason they run things is because they have Ivy League degrees that their parents paid for by bribing a Jewish “coach.” . But affirmative action is bad because, um…

    • Replies: @Desiderius
  28. J.Ross says: • Website
    @Anon

    I am told that certain accounts associated with the lyingpress are unaffected: that could be self-defeating cleverness or those accounts being able to afford protections, backups, and so on. A British anon felt that this was to control discussion about Brexit, which is currently happening in the clumsiest way.

  29. Dwright says:

    Like Jamaican bobsledding, I didn’t know it was a thing until the movie.

  30. Escher says:

    Who is the guy in the 2nd picture? Looks like Robert Downey Jr.

    • Replies: @anon
  31. anon[166] • Disclaimer says:
    @Escher

    Not sure if making a joke or sincere inquiry.

    But it’s Larry Ellison, billionaire founder of the tech firm Oracle. That’s who “Lanny Emerson” is based on.

    • Replies: @Escher
  32. How about golf? Then again, if you are any good at golf, why bother with college?

    • Replies: @Steve Sailer
  33. @The Alarmist

    Even Tiger Woods went to Stanford for two years. Mickelson, Woods, and Spieth won on the PGA tour in less than 4 years after graduating from high school, but even most successful pros aren’t really competitive at that level until they are getting into their mid-20s.

    Patrick Cantlay, for example, was a college superstar and turned pro after his sophomore year, but then got hit by bad luck and didn’t win on Tour until he was 25.

    Dustin Johnson, current world #1, with 20 career victories, didn’t win on Tour until he was 24.

    In the meantime, being a college golfer is a pretty nice life. I suspect Tiger was happier at Stanford than before or since.

    • Replies: @DCThrowback
  34. @danand

    Would a pillow fight while dressed in lingerie scene be too much to ask for?

  35. Hodag says:

    If you want to make a series out of this the boat can get blown off course and hit a deserted island, Lord of the Flies or Gilligan’s Island, depending on how dark you want to go.

  36. DCThrowback says: • Website
    @Steve Sailer

    I think the NBA and college basketball should reach detente on this too: either you enter at 18 via the 1st round of the nba draft or no entry until 20 (i.e., two years of college or semi-pro/g-leauge/euro ball).

    The college route offers 2 years access to nubile co-eds, fawning fans, rigorous practice schedules, everything taken care of for you and, of course, the NCAA tournament.

    The Laboron (say it nice and slow) James-types, the generational talents, they get in at 18. The rest? See you in a couple of years, we’ll still be here for you.

  37. South Park might go for a storyline like this. They had a very funny episode where Cartman becomes a fake Mexican teacher in an inner city school.

    He teaches the “keeedz” the “white people” way to success (cheating) by showing them videos about Bill Belichick.

    I think this was based on some movie with the guy who was Don Johnson’s boss in Miami Vice.

  38. @anon

    You’re two to three levels of magnitude too general to make the distinction you’re trying to make. Conflating two different sets of people, neither of which are entirely white.

  39. @Buffalo Joe

    It is outrageous , The NCAAA does not allow the athletes to earn a nickel endorsing products or allow fans to buy them a decent meal while the coaches and Athletic directors get well paid. The NCAA should put salary caps on coaches…would also increase parity among college sports. Even in the Big Ten , the disparity among coaches salaries is quite high with the top football coaches earning close to $10 million and the bottom tier coaches earning less than $1 million. Should cap college football coach salaries at $250,000

    • Replies: @Buffalo Joe
  40. @Steve Sailer

    The Yachts are faster now – up to 100 km/h – than they were back in P. J. O’Rourke’s glory days, that’s right. But still – watching them from about a mile away, with lots of alcohol in one’s system in a press boat which is exposed to the sun all day long and bumping up and down and around, too – – – might still not be very impressive.

    Anyhow – this charter-bus-race mental picture of the America’s Cup, P. J. O’Rourke managed to firmly install in my head so many years ago, is alive and kickin’ and amuses me quite a lot – and will, I assume, not sail away into deep blue infinity long before yours truly (- to mimic the way P. J. O’Rourke used to refer to himself). At least that’s what I hope for by now.

  41. @Prodigal son

    Prod, who knew they paid those outrageous sums for fencing, tennis, golf and crew?

    • Replies: @Prodigal son
  42. A few choice quotes from the academic star, and some suggestions (implied) that she might benefit from an education.

    My parents really wanted me to go (to college) because both of them didn’t go.”

    … because neither of them went.

    I don’t know how much of school I’m gonna attend. But I’m gonna go in and talk to my deans and everyone, and hope that I can try to balance it all. But I do want the experience of, like, game days, partying …
    I don’t really care about school, as you guys all know.”

    .. because the point of university is the opportunity for game days and partying, activities one may not enjoy unless one matriculates. Akshuall attendance is optional.

    Seriously, this bozo is just another pretty but otherwise worthless mass of protoplasm who is as important to the advancement of our species as make-up is to health.

    When news of the scandal broke, miss prettyface was onboard a yacht (small ocean liner if you ask me) in the Bahamas. She is rarely seen on campus. Hence, the rumors about whether she matriculates. I bet she masticates, too.

    Side note: No one would ever accuse her mother of being a thespian.

    Let’s start a rumor.

  43. All I have to say about Necessary Roughness is Kathy Ireland, Kathy Ireland, and more Kathy Ireland.

  44. bomag says:
    @Buffalo Joe

    I like the analogy of college sports as communist utopia:

    Leaders and insiders do well; the proletariat labor for the love of it.

    But maybe that’s become modern market economies.

  45. anon[354] • Disclaimer says:
    @Steve Sailer

    It’s not hard to get killed in sailing, and the boat doesn’t even need to be fast. People die in races, even in amateur races, all the time. You can of course die by drowning when it takes too long for them to find you after you fall off the boat, either the usual way – of water inhalation – or of exposure in colder water. If attached to the boat by a safety tether that’s too long, you’ll be dragged underwater and drowned very quickly unless the tether is cut. You can be killed by the boom, e.g., during an accidental gybe, or even in a collision with another racing boat (happened last year in an amateur race).
    On these America’s Cup flying cats that spend more time above the water than in, your boat can pitchpole and kill you by crushing/drowning you.

    Of course, single-hander guys tend to die in a more prosaic way while just cruising – by taking a leak overboard and falling in while the boat sails away miles from shore.

  46. Escher says:
    @anon

    Man, he has beefed up.

  47. @Buffalo Joe

    Hard to believe…my uncle was a tennis coach at a state college , but earned under 6 figures, but Not bad for 6 months of work.

    • Replies: @Buffalo Joe
  48. @Prodigal son

    Prodigal, Unbelieveable pay for sports no one watches. Thank yuo for the reply.

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