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McSweeney's: Obituaries for the Recently Canceled
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From McSweeney’s:

OBITUARIES FOR THE RECENTLY CANCELED
by SARAH LAZARUS

… Following a long battle in defense of a controversial Facebook post, Meredith Van Dorn, 20, finally succumbed to cancellation at her home on Thursday night. Ms. Van Dorn was surrounded by friends and loved ones who, upon her cancellation, insisted they always had kind of a weird feeling about her, actually. Ms. Van Dorn’s parents, Peter and Linda, would like their daughter to be remembered for her sweet smile and love of dancing, rather than her provocative feelings about Japanese toilets. …

Margaret Arnold has been canceled at the age of 22 for a leaked 2017 email in which she expressed regret that La La Land did not win the Academy Award for Best Picture. …

Morton Alan Cole, 58, was canceled suddenly on Wednesday morning, to the shock of all who knew him. Mr. Cole, a revered attorney at the American Civil Liberties Union, spent his weekends reading books by Roxane Gay and offering pro-bono legal counsel. The cause of Mr. Cole’s cancellation has been kept private at his family’s request. …

On Wednesday, three-day-old Lily Hobbes became the youngest person ever to be canceled, when her father read to her from Michelle Obama’s memoir Becoming and she immediately started crying. …

 
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  1. OT

    President Trump’s DNA Testing Catches Fake Parents At The Border, But Fake News and ACLU Fight It

    President Donald Trump’s pilot DNA testing program for migrants at the border is already snaring human traffickers who are posing as parents of children

    The Department of Homeland Security has rolled out a “pilot” program at a few select locations on the border that involves cheek-swabbing the migrants who come over the border

    Opponents of the program include CNN and the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU).

    • Replies: @J.Ross
    The time is coming where we'll have to do something to these people beside let them go and let them attack us again. Letting Trump reform the system delays that day. You would think that someone on their side could understand that. These people are like a billionaire demanding an elaborate dinner five minutes before closing time.
    , @Clyde

    President Donald Trump’s pilot DNA testing program for migrants at the border is already snaring human traffickers who are posing as parents of children
    The Department of Homeland Security has rolled out a “pilot” program at a few select locations on the border that involves cheek-swabbing the migrants who come over the border

    Opponents of the program include CNN and the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU).
     
    Surprise Surprise Surprise This is one thing Pelosi does not want funded.
  2. Can someone explain McSweeney’s? Humor/satire site, presumably. I’m not sufficiently woke to comprehend the in-joke…

    • Replies: @newrouter
    Having only read the blurb: deplatforming satire?
    , @guest
    It's a San Francisco literary hipster rag. Which I guess also does satire.

    In college I was forced to read the memoir A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by the staggeringly annoying Dave Eggers, founder or co-founder or whatever of McSweeneys. Which must have some fat sugardaddies to still be going.

    They also publish books.
  3. Lefty trolls on 4chan routinely demand to know why there are no writers or comedians outside the Google-approved echo chamber they never leave. Is relying on a “curated” list analogous to only reading books that were assigned in school?

    • Replies: @Charles Erwin Wilson 3

    Is relying on a “curated” list analogous to only reading books that were assigned in school?
     
    I read those books. They lowered my IQ. But they did not lower my IQ enough to become a Leftist. Before I read them, I knew a proof that no three positive integers a, b, and c satisfy the equation an + bn = cn for any integer value of n greater than 2.
    , @Jim Don Bob
    I'm gonna smack the next person who uses the word "curated" unless he works for a museum. Of all the hipster doofus-speak, this is the worst.
  4. Wow. That is absolutely astonishing.

  5. @Hippopotamusdrome
    OT


    President Trump’s DNA Testing Catches Fake Parents At The Border, But Fake News and ACLU Fight It

    President Donald Trump’s pilot DNA testing program for migrants at the border is already snaring human traffickers who are posing as parents of children

    The Department of Homeland Security has rolled out a “pilot” program at a few select locations on the border that involves cheek-swabbing the migrants who come over the border

    Opponents of the program include CNN and the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU).

     

    The time is coming where we’ll have to do something to these people beside let them go and let them attack us again. Letting Trump reform the system delays that day. You would think that someone on their side could understand that. These people are like a billionaire demanding an elaborate dinner five minutes before closing time.

  6. @Forbes
    Can someone explain McSweeney's? Humor/satire site, presumably. I'm not sufficiently woke to comprehend the in-joke...

    Having only read the blurb: deplatforming satire?

    • Replies: @Forbes
    Thanks. Makes sense. Social media is worse than the news I don't watch...
  7. It was always at night—the arrests invariably happened at night. The sudden jerk out of sleep, the rough hand shaking your shoulder, the lights glaring in your eyes, the ring of hard faces round the bed. In the vast majority of cases there was no trial, no report of the arrest. People simply disappeared, always during the night. Your name was removed from the registers, every record of everything you had ever done was wiped out, your one-time existence was denied and then forgotten. You were abolished, annihilated: vaporized was the usual word.

    Nineteen Eighty-Four, Chapter 1

  8. An ex girlfriend used to threaten to delete me everytime we argued. Along with unfriending, I guess this is the worse fate imaginable to these people. Is Lazarus her real name?

    • Replies: @Jim Christian

    An ex girlfriend used to threaten to delete me everytime we argued. Along with unfriending, I guess this is the worse fate imaginable to these people. Is Lazarus her real name?
     
    Abused, mistreated, control-alt-deleted. That's how all girls see themselves after you dump them when their horseshit, concealed early-on, comes out. That they do the same, you better just get over it. Nothing more liberating than being dumped. Better her than you.
  9. Anon[289] • Disclaimer says:

    Mr. Warble’s earlier, narrowly evaded cancellations include: … a conspicuous silence on social media during the Brett Kavanaugh confirmation hearings.

    Judging from Knittinggate, I expect to see a lot more “conspicuous silence” problems.

    I wonder if there is a business opportunity for a subscription service where minimally unsilent but nevertheless relatively anodyne tweet material is supplied on a daily basis for avoiding “silence” accusations during major twitter uproars.

    “You know what rhymes with Kavanaugh?”

  10. Speaking of obituaries, maybe you could post about the passing of Justin Raimondo? I just found out about it.

    • Replies: @Hunsdon
    Damn.
    , @guest
    RIP.

    Reclaiming the American Right is a good book. I used to visit Antiwar.com obsessively back in the Snowden days.
    , @Digital Samizdat
    God bless Raimondo! He was so often a voice of reason in the long, dark night of our foreign policy.
  11. @newrouter
    Having only read the blurb: deplatforming satire?

    Thanks. Makes sense. Social media is worse than the news I don’t watch…

  12. Anon[289] • Disclaimer says:

    Jeremy Warble, a 30-year-old bartender and drummer, was canceled on Friday after asking exactly zero questions on a Tinder date.

    Huh? Is this a thing? Googling …

    The Depressing Phenomenon of Men Who Ask Their Dates No Questions
    https://melmagazine.com/en-us/story/the-depressing-phenomenon-of-men-who-ask-their-dates-no-questions

    Nikki waited in vain to be asked a single question about herself while Athens raved about …

    After several hours of unidirectional conversation, Diana hadn’t been asked to share a single personal detail. “He didn’t ask me anything,” she tells me. “Like, not one thing. To this day, I’m not sure if he knows my name.” …

    Vanessa, a 49-year-old consultant in Wellington, tells me about a date who treated her to a speech about his new office layout without learning a single detail about her….

    As Anna, another woman I spoke to about her zero-question date, puts it: “Of course he thought the date went well. He’d been able to talk about himself uninterrupted for hours, while I looked on bored.”

    The cause? A female L.A. psychotherapist chicksplains:

    Narcissism is encouraged in men. Men are discouraged from mirroring their parents, and other members of society in general.” Because of this, she says, men are more likely to end up in the position of the oblivious, raving dater than women are. “Women are, in general, expected to be people pleasers,” she says. “We’ve learned our worth through social currency, and we’ve been the understanding ear for centuries.” She points out that her own listening profession, therapy, is dominated by women.

    • Replies: @guest
    What's with the extremes? No, narcissism is not a male thing. Males are less reliant on pleasing people and don't have to learn to be "mirrors." The problem is not that they're encouraged to be selfish, but that they're not taught courtship. They get by without it. Women sleep with them anyway, and if they don't courtesy and proper conversational skills won't help that much.

    These alleged conversations aren't plausible. Not to say one side can't monopolize a date with their personality. But the idea of the woman just sitting there waiting to be asked a question, no. She may sit there and not talk, but she's not waiting to be asked. She's just frustrated that he isn't interested.

    Also, they don't like it when you talk period. Unless they already want to sleep with you.
  13. @Forbes
    Can someone explain McSweeney's? Humor/satire site, presumably. I'm not sufficiently woke to comprehend the in-joke...

    It’s a San Francisco literary hipster rag. Which I guess also does satire.

    In college I was forced to read the memoir A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by the staggeringly annoying Dave Eggers, founder or co-founder or whatever of McSweeneys. Which must have some fat sugardaddies to still be going.

    They also publish books.

  14. @Glaivester
    Speaking of obituaries, maybe you could post about the passing of Justin Raimondo? I just found out about it.

    Damn.

  15. @Glaivester
    Speaking of obituaries, maybe you could post about the passing of Justin Raimondo? I just found out about it.

    RIP.

    Reclaiming the American Right is a good book. I used to visit Antiwar.com obsessively back in the Snowden days.

  16. @Anon

    Jeremy Warble, a 30-year-old bartender and drummer, was canceled on Friday after asking exactly zero questions on a Tinder date.
     
    Huh? Is this a thing? Googling ...

    The Depressing Phenomenon of Men Who Ask Their Dates No Questions
    https://melmagazine.com/en-us/story/the-depressing-phenomenon-of-men-who-ask-their-dates-no-questions

    Nikki waited in vain to be asked a single question about herself while Athens raved about ...

    After several hours of unidirectional conversation, Diana hadn’t been asked to share a single personal detail. “He didn’t ask me anything,” she tells me. “Like, not one thing. To this day, I’m not sure if he knows my name.” ...

    Vanessa, a 49-year-old consultant in Wellington, tells me about a date who treated her to a speech about his new office layout without learning a single detail about her....

    As Anna, another woman I spoke to about her zero-question date, puts it: “Of course he thought the date went well. He’d been able to talk about himself uninterrupted for hours, while I looked on bored.”
     
    The cause? A female L.A. psychotherapist chicksplains:

    Narcissism is encouraged in men. Men are discouraged from mirroring their parents, and other members of society in general.” Because of this, she says, men are more likely to end up in the position of the oblivious, raving dater than women are. “Women are, in general, expected to be people pleasers,” she says. “We’ve learned our worth through social currency, and we’ve been the understanding ear for centuries.” She points out that her own listening profession, therapy, is dominated by women.
     

    What’s with the extremes? No, narcissism is not a male thing. Males are less reliant on pleasing people and don’t have to learn to be “mirrors.” The problem is not that they’re encouraged to be selfish, but that they’re not taught courtship. They get by without it. Women sleep with them anyway, and if they don’t courtesy and proper conversational skills won’t help that much.

    These alleged conversations aren’t plausible. Not to say one side can’t monopolize a date with their personality. But the idea of the woman just sitting there waiting to be asked a question, no. She may sit there and not talk, but she’s not waiting to be asked. She’s just frustrated that he isn’t interested.

    Also, they don’t like it when you talk period. Unless they already want to sleep with you.

    • Replies: @Charon
    The notion that women wait for an opportunity, or an opening before they will start talking. Oh God, my sides. My sides. Stop please stop.
  17. @J.Ross
    Lefty trolls on 4chan routinely demand to know why there are no writers or comedians outside the Google-approved echo chamber they never leave. Is relying on a "curated" list analogous to only reading books that were assigned in school?

    Is relying on a “curated” list analogous to only reading books that were assigned in school?

    I read those books. They lowered my IQ. But they did not lower my IQ enough to become a Leftist. Before I read them, I knew a proof that no three positive integers a, b, and c satisfy the equation an + bn = cn for any integer value of n greater than 2.

  18. @Hippopotamusdrome
    OT


    President Trump’s DNA Testing Catches Fake Parents At The Border, But Fake News and ACLU Fight It

    President Donald Trump’s pilot DNA testing program for migrants at the border is already snaring human traffickers who are posing as parents of children

    The Department of Homeland Security has rolled out a “pilot” program at a few select locations on the border that involves cheek-swabbing the migrants who come over the border

    Opponents of the program include CNN and the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU).

     

    President Donald Trump’s pilot DNA testing program for migrants at the border is already snaring human traffickers who are posing as parents of children
    The Department of Homeland Security has rolled out a “pilot” program at a few select locations on the border that involves cheek-swabbing the migrants who come over the border

    Opponents of the program include CNN and the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU).

    Surprise Surprise Surprise This is one thing Pelosi does not want funded.

  19. “… three-day-old Lily Hobbes became the youngest person ever to be canceled, when her father read to her from Michelle Obama’s memoir Becoming and she immediately started crying.”

    Wow, that’s harsh … she didn’t even get a chance to go through the K-12 indoctrination sessions before being unpersoned.

  20. @guest
    What's with the extremes? No, narcissism is not a male thing. Males are less reliant on pleasing people and don't have to learn to be "mirrors." The problem is not that they're encouraged to be selfish, but that they're not taught courtship. They get by without it. Women sleep with them anyway, and if they don't courtesy and proper conversational skills won't help that much.

    These alleged conversations aren't plausible. Not to say one side can't monopolize a date with their personality. But the idea of the woman just sitting there waiting to be asked a question, no. She may sit there and not talk, but she's not waiting to be asked. She's just frustrated that he isn't interested.

    Also, they don't like it when you talk period. Unless they already want to sleep with you.

    The notion that women wait for an opportunity, or an opening before they will start talking. Oh God, my sides. My sides. Stop please stop.

  21. @Glaivester
    Speaking of obituaries, maybe you could post about the passing of Justin Raimondo? I just found out about it.

    God bless Raimondo! He was so often a voice of reason in the long, dark night of our foreign policy.

  22. @J.Ross
    Lefty trolls on 4chan routinely demand to know why there are no writers or comedians outside the Google-approved echo chamber they never leave. Is relying on a "curated" list analogous to only reading books that were assigned in school?

    I’m gonna smack the next person who uses the word “curated” unless he works for a museum. Of all the hipster doofus-speak, this is the worst.

  23. @Dtbb
    An ex girlfriend used to threaten to delete me everytime we argued. Along with unfriending, I guess this is the worse fate imaginable to these people. Is Lazarus her real name?

    An ex girlfriend used to threaten to delete me everytime we argued. Along with unfriending, I guess this is the worse fate imaginable to these people. Is Lazarus her real name?

    Abused, mistreated, control-alt-deleted. That’s how all girls see themselves after you dump them when their horseshit, concealed early-on, comes out. That they do the same, you better just get over it. Nothing more liberating than being dumped. Better her than you.

  24. This is one of the best bit’s of satire I’ve read in a while. I’d like to post it on Facebook, but I don’t want to be canceled.

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