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Joel Stein on Seth Stephens-Davidowitz's Big Data Book "Everybody Lies"
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From Time:

That Time an Algorithm Whisperer Took Me to the Heart of Darkness

Joel Stein
Jun 14, 2017

Seth Stephens-Davidowitz is a brilliant, thoughtful data scientist who studies the complexities of human behavior, which is why no one has heard of him. I, meanwhile, exclusively study my own very simple behavior, which is why I have a Wikipedia page and he doesn’t.

As you can deduce from the title of Stephens-Davidowitz’s recent book, Everybody Lies: Big Data, New Data, and What the Internet Can Tell Us About Who We Really Are, he struggles with brevity in naming things as much as his parents did. But his fascinating, funny work uses online data (Google searches, porn views, Wikipedia entries, Facebook ad data) to prove that we are far more horrifying that we let on. …

As interesting as learning about this data was, I eventually got bored, since none of it was about me. So Stephens-Davidowitz did some quick algorithming and found out that the No. 1 question searched about me is whether I’m gay. In fact, 1 in 50 searches about me are about my supposed gayness, despite the fact that I often write about my wife and watching heterosexual porn. It turns out that this is a very common question about men, though it is more common about me. I’m pretty far from the 1 in 570 searches about LeBron James’ sexuality but very close to the 1 in 18 about Richard Simmons’. Far more disturbing is that Stephens-Davidowitz found that my fame peaked in 2006, and I am now 89% less well-known. This is probably because in 2006, I was on a show called I Love the ’70s. Also, in 2006, people still read words.

The only thing more compelling than what other people think about me is what I think about me. So I gave Stephens-Davidowitz access to my search history. “The most common search you make is ‘Joel Stein,’” he told me. Apparently, 3% of my searches are for my name, with about one self-Google per day. The average person does this so rarely, it doesn’t even register in Stephens-Davidowitz’s data. …

Then Stephens-Davidowitz said something upsetting: 5% of the time after I search the name of a female celebrity, I try to see her naked. I denied this, but he said that most people forget their own Google searches, and 5% is totally normal for a guy. What is not normal is this: “The celebrity you searched for naked most was Joel Stein.”

 
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  1. Trelane says:

    After reading this I feel like getting some gefilte fish and booking a flight on El Al.

    Read More
    • Replies: @Kyle McKenna
    It's like all the Hollywood movie producers who cheat on their wives all the time, assume everyone is like them or should be, and ensure it gets in all their scripts since 'everyone does it' or should. "What, you think you're better than me, goy? At least I'm honest about it."

    People believe this. And it's how societies crumble.

    Joel Stein is typical of the type. Reminds me of the New Yorker's Valentine to Mayor Bloomberg:

    http://68.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lze6x0QF3L1qav5oho1_500.jpg

    , @Moshe
    Well, I hit the link and Whew! I'm glad I gave it that 83%! (Sidenote: Are Khazars more likely to honestly share their dubious parts than others? I mean how many other ppl would deliberately not click the link before openly publishing the comment that I did above?)

    Also I don't think that the snarling "what a Jewwww" commentators here realize that it isn't Stein whose ugly picture they're sharing with all of us.

    Maybe it's my kikish DNA but by God does this guy sound like more fun and a better all-around dude than mister gefilte fish man who apparently seems to believe that he is exhibiting critical humor of some kind.

    If you or your extended fam would or could never share a piece of this type you would be wise not to advertise it.
    , @Father O'Hara
    I am feasting on some lox with cream cheese washed down with seltzer and eyeing the blonde haired guy at the next table,who I think wants to put me in a concentration camp Nazi bastard!
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  2. Anonym says:

    Maybe that curve is U shaped. How many people have to google to see if Richard Simmons is gay? I believe my lying eyes over google on that one. However if I had to prove it to someone with mild retardation/liberalism, then I could conceivably search it.

    Read More
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  3. Hi, I’m Joel Stein. But enough about me, what do you think about me?

    Read More
    • LOL: AM
    • Replies: @Desiderius
    I think he's hilarious.
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  4. @Paul Walker - Most beautiful man ever...
    Hi, I'm Joel Stein. But enough about me, what do you think about me?

    I think he’s hilarious.

    Read More
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  5. Dave Pinsen says: • Website

    That was funny.

    Read More
    • Agree: dcthrowback, Daniel H
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  6. Kyle McKenna [AKA "Mika-Non"] says:
    @Trelane
    After reading this I feel like getting some gefilte fish and booking a flight on El Al.

    It’s like all the Hollywood movie producers who cheat on their wives all the time, assume everyone is like them or should be, and ensure it gets in all their scripts since ‘everyone does it’ or should. “What, you think you’re better than me, goy? At least I’m honest about it.”

    People believe this. And it’s how societies crumble.

    Joel Stein is typical of the type. Reminds me of the New Yorker’s Valentine to Mayor Bloomberg:

    Read More
    • Replies: @Not Raul
    Kind of like "Portnoy's Complaint"; but with mommy dearest saying "I have a headache. Here's the number of an ambitious shikse who 'likes to party'."
    ReplyAgree/Disagree/Etc. More... This Commenter This Thread Hide Thread Display All Comments
  7. UIA says:

    How Algorithms and Authoritarianism Created a Corporate Nightmare at United

    “I was only following corporate algorithms”

    Testimony given at a future war crimes trial (riff on the Nuremberg defense)

    United Airlines forcibly removed a man from an “overbooked” flight. The incident was captured on video by other passengers and the story went viral on the social networks.

    Robb Global nails it.

    Hire idiots to code machines to order people around and direct millions to executives who do no work The rich do no work and pay no tax and get the profit. Middle stuck with all the work and taxation. Poor are in place to scare the middle class to keep them showing up for work to keep the rich getting profits. Geo. Carlin logic. It’s a big club to beat you with. Use security thugs to beat on somebody to keep the public scared and in line. We tore the terminal down to avoid being terminal for them. It’s parking for the idiots.

    Read More
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  8. guest says:

    What is a “data scientist?” A student of data-ology?

    Why do they keep slapping the word “science” onto other words instead of using the old terms for disciplines, if it is discipline, or coming up with a new term, if it’s something genuinely new?

    Read More
    • Agree: The Z Blog
    • Replies: @Pierre de Craon
    Has anyone else ever noticed that the people who tirelessly cite what they call science as the ultimate arbiter virtually never know or can explain the difference between wiring in series and wiring in parallel? If pressed—sadly, no one ever does press—they would probably either (1) reply loftily that knowledge of such silliness, whatever the domestic utility of household-level physics, is proper to the sphere of the servant and the rude mechanical or (2) resort to a curled-lip retort that this racist distinction has been discredited along with the rest of the white man's science.
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  9. This was about the only library book this year I couldn’t renew because others were waiting.

    I didn’t get to too much of it, but it occurred to me that his findings might be exaggerated by precisely the fact that people don’t want to talk, or ask, about some things in person. Those would obviously be overrepresented.

    But why do a search for a pumpkin pie recipe when you can ask a neighbor? Thus, condoms, not to mention their contents, outweigh pumpkins.

    Perhaps he covered that point in the parts I missed.

    Read More
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  10. Not Raul says:
    @Kyle McKenna
    It's like all the Hollywood movie producers who cheat on their wives all the time, assume everyone is like them or should be, and ensure it gets in all their scripts since 'everyone does it' or should. "What, you think you're better than me, goy? At least I'm honest about it."

    People believe this. And it's how societies crumble.

    Joel Stein is typical of the type. Reminds me of the New Yorker's Valentine to Mayor Bloomberg:

    http://68.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lze6x0QF3L1qav5oho1_500.jpg

    Kind of like “Portnoy’s Complaint”; but with mommy dearest saying “I have a headache. Here’s the number of an ambitious shikse who ‘likes to party’.”

    Read More
    • Replies: @Reg Cæsar
    Did Portnoy ever tell himself he had a headache?

    Reminds me of National Lampoon's Cartoons Even We Wouldn't Dare Print. One showed a fellow tapping his uninterested male bedmate on the shoulder. The latter replies, "Not tonight. I have a hemorrhoid."

    ReplyAgree/Disagree/Etc. More... This Commenter This Thread Hide Thread Display All Comments
  11. Once upon a time, you could be Siggy Freud and make stuff like that up. These days, you don’t have to have a schwaa beard and cigar to be a data scientist. People can check work like this. I think the title of the guy’s book is a fair introduction to his work.

    Read More
    • Replies: @guest
    Then I assume his work is banal. Everybody knows everybody lies. We didn't need a Freud to tell us that sort of dirty non-secret.

    And if we did, we already got it from House, M.D. "Everybody lies" was his credo. That was a show of above-average intelligence, in my estimation, but it was just a tv show. I think by the time such a concept shows up as a tv catchphrase it's already deep within the culture.

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  12. guest says:

    “to prove that we are far more horrifying than we let on”

    Eh. People go online to get at things they don’t get in regular life. And, importantly, about subjects they don’t know much about. You don’t Google, for instance, kissing your child goodbye on the forehead in the morning, or stopping to smell roses in the middle of the day, or contemplating the meaning of life while sitting in a church pew.

    There’s an aspect, perhaps one of the main aspects, of forbidden knowledge to the internet. That’s where you go for private, maybe perverse, possibly evil things. If you go by it alone, you’ll miss a lot of the normal, everyday, pleasant things making up Who We Are.

    Read More
    • Agree: slumber_j
    ReplyAgree/Disagree/Etc. More... This Commenter Display All Comments
  13. guest says:
    @Scott Locklin
    Once upon a time, you could be Siggy Freud and make stuff like that up. These days, you don't have to have a schwaa beard and cigar to be a data scientist. People can check work like this. I think the title of the guy's book is a fair introduction to his work.

    Then I assume his work is banal. Everybody knows everybody lies. We didn’t need a Freud to tell us that sort of dirty non-secret.

    And if we did, we already got it from House, M.D. “Everybody lies” was his credo. That was a show of above-average intelligence, in my estimation, but it was just a tv show. I think by the time such a concept shows up as a tv catchphrase it’s already deep within the culture.

    Read More
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  14. Time’s Joel Stein:

    … I often write about my wife and watching heterosexual porn.

    Meanwhile, over at Newsweek …

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  15. Anonymous says: • Disclaimer

    To paraphrase Jack Donaghy– other than the natural inclination to search one’s own name, why would one have any use for Google?

    Read More
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  16. Karl says:

    12 Guest > but it was just a tv show

    hey motherfucker, some dentist on the Upper West side spent $80,000/year for four years so his Princess could get a degree in Writing at NYU so she could get a $28,000/year job as a TV scriptwriter-assistant in LA…. and you want to disrespect him?

    i’m calling the ADL on you.

    Give me ten minutes though, i’m working on this Taiwanese chick who wants to break into modeling here in Greenwich Village….. hey, i’m only doing this to start a conversation about Beijing’s mistreatment of peace-loving Uyghur Muslims!

    Read More
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  17. I would say I’m pretty goy. In fact, given my mostly Celtic roots (with a little Norwegian/Swedish/German/Polish thrown in for additional spice; or blandness, YMMV), I would probably be classified as an Uber-goy. My ancient family members painted themselves blue and danced around large rocks arranged in a geometric pattern (of which they had zero understanding of the mathematics). Later, for fun, they decided to cut the local weed, dry it out over a fire built from the local bog moss, then boil it, ferment it, and drink the resulting product. I believe they called it “whisky”.

    That said, this guy Stein is a mensch! I could definitely sit at a bar with him sipping whisky and listen to him (we Scots-Irish are good at being taciturn) talk about himself self-deprecatingly while laughing my ass off.

    Read More
    • Agree: Desiderius
    ReplyAgree/Disagree/Etc. More... This Commenter Display All Comments
  18. Moshe says:

    Isn’t he the guy who used to write boring ass stuff in Time? That was an amazing piece. I’m still hedging my bets and giving it only an 83% chance of it being for realz rather than a comedic piece by someone else. It’s too good and to honest to be by a regular media drone.

    Read More
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  19. Moshe says:
    @Trelane
    After reading this I feel like getting some gefilte fish and booking a flight on El Al.

    Well, I hit the link and Whew! I’m glad I gave it that 83%! (Sidenote: Are Khazars more likely to honestly share their dubious parts than others? I mean how many other ppl would deliberately not click the link before openly publishing the comment that I did above?)

    Also I don’t think that the snarling “what a Jewwww” commentators here realize that it isn’t Stein whose ugly picture they’re sharing with all of us.

    Maybe it’s my kikish DNA but by God does this guy sound like more fun and a better all-around dude than mister gefilte fish man who apparently seems to believe that he is exhibiting critical humor of some kind.

    If you or your extended fam would or could never share a piece of this type you would be wise not to advertise it.

    Read More
    • Replies: @Rusty Shekelford
    "Are Khazars more likely to honestly share their dubious parts than others?"

    Hardly. It has been at least 1500 years and you people still haven't told us what you do with the blood of Christian children.
    ReplyAgree/Disagree/Etc. More... This Commenter This Thread Hide Thread Display All Comments
  20. The Z Blog says: • Website

    The one thing “big data” does well is validate what people have known about the human condition since settlement. Of course, that’s the one thing no one is allowed to use big data for so the result is mostly nonsense.

    Read More
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  21. @Not Raul
    Kind of like "Portnoy's Complaint"; but with mommy dearest saying "I have a headache. Here's the number of an ambitious shikse who 'likes to party'."

    Did Portnoy ever tell himself he had a headache?

    Reminds me of National Lampoon’s Cartoons Even We Wouldn’t Dare Print. One showed a fellow tapping his uninterested male bedmate on the shoulder. The latter replies, “Not tonight. I have a hemorrhoid.”

    Read More
    ReplyAgree/Disagree/Etc. More... This Commenter This Thread Hide Thread Display All Comments
  22. @Moshe
    Well, I hit the link and Whew! I'm glad I gave it that 83%! (Sidenote: Are Khazars more likely to honestly share their dubious parts than others? I mean how many other ppl would deliberately not click the link before openly publishing the comment that I did above?)

    Also I don't think that the snarling "what a Jewwww" commentators here realize that it isn't Stein whose ugly picture they're sharing with all of us.

    Maybe it's my kikish DNA but by God does this guy sound like more fun and a better all-around dude than mister gefilte fish man who apparently seems to believe that he is exhibiting critical humor of some kind.

    If you or your extended fam would or could never share a piece of this type you would be wise not to advertise it.

    “Are Khazars more likely to honestly share their dubious parts than others?”

    Hardly. It has been at least 1500 years and you people still haven’t told us what you do with the blood of Christian children.

    Read More
    • Replies: @Olorin
    Or all those foreskins.

    Ever wonder about THAT?
    , @Moshe
    Now that's just unfair. Every year 2 weeks before Passover I don a ski mask and break into a bloodbank.

    On account of its multiculturalism I can't do it in New York so The Association buys me a first class ticket to Utah (there was originally some question as to whether Mormons could properly be considered Christians but the word came down on high that apparently they'll do).

    Anyhow, it's for the Matzah. Makes it taste a little salty and weird but for satanic/biological reasons it's an absolute necessity.
    ReplyAgree/Disagree/Etc. More... This Commenter This Thread Hide Thread Display All Comments
  23. Stein’s columns remind me of cotton candy, all light and unfulfilling after an initial hit of sweet. His self-regard becomes tedious after a column or two.

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  24. I’m laying heavy odds that Joel Stein’s lady friend used a turkey baster to get pregnant and that Joel was never within 5 miles of that particular instrument of insemination.

    Read More
    • LOL: Trelane
    ReplyAgree/Disagree/Etc. More... This Commenter Display All Comments
  25. @guest
    What is a "data scientist?" A student of data-ology?

    Why do they keep slapping the word "science" onto other words instead of using the old terms for disciplines, if it is discipline, or coming up with a new term, if it's something genuinely new?

    Has anyone else ever noticed that the people who tirelessly cite what they call science as the ultimate arbiter virtually never know or can explain the difference between wiring in series and wiring in parallel? If pressed—sadly, no one ever does press—they would probably either (1) reply loftily that knowledge of such silliness, whatever the domestic utility of household-level physics, is proper to the sphere of the servant and the rude mechanical or (2) resort to a curled-lip retort that this racist distinction has been discredited along with the rest of the white man’s science.

    Read More
    ReplyAgree/Disagree/Etc. More... This Commenter This Thread Hide Thread Display All Comments
  26. Olorin says:
    @Rusty Shekelford
    "Are Khazars more likely to honestly share their dubious parts than others?"

    Hardly. It has been at least 1500 years and you people still haven't told us what you do with the blood of Christian children.

    Or all those foreskins.

    Ever wonder about THAT?

    Read More
    • Replies: @Moshe
    Wallets.

    And when we turn 15 and have more hundreds than can fit in our pocket we stroke the wallet we stroke the wallet vigorously until it turgids into a suitcase.
    , @Moshe
    Wallets.

    And when we turn 15 and have more hundreds than can fit in our pocket we stroke the wallet vigorously until it turgids into a suitcase.

    ReplyAgree/Disagree/Etc. More... This Commenter This Thread Hide Thread Display All Comments
  27. @Trelane
    After reading this I feel like getting some gefilte fish and booking a flight on El Al.

    I am feasting on some lox with cream cheese washed down with seltzer and eyeing the blonde haired guy at the next table,who I think wants to put me in a concentration camp Nazi bastard!

    Read More
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  28. Moshe says:
    @Rusty Shekelford
    "Are Khazars more likely to honestly share their dubious parts than others?"

    Hardly. It has been at least 1500 years and you people still haven't told us what you do with the blood of Christian children.

    Now that’s just unfair. Every year 2 weeks before Passover I don a ski mask and break into a bloodbank.

    On account of its multiculturalism I can’t do it in New York so The Association buys me a first class ticket to Utah (there was originally some question as to whether Mormons could properly be considered Christians but the word came down on high that apparently they’ll do).

    Anyhow, it’s for the Matzah. Makes it taste a little salty and weird but for satanic/biological reasons it’s an absolute necessity.

    Read More
    • Replies: @Trelane
    I'm sure that gets a laugh in the Catskills. Especially after Judy and Melvin have a few glasses of Manischewitz. It's really pretty funny then.
    , @Olorin
    Mmmm, I dunno about the bloodbank thing. Dangerous downstream from HIV.

    As for seasoning matzoh, you should try liberal tears. Far saltier.
    ReplyAgree/Disagree/Etc. More... This Commenter This Thread Hide Thread Display All Comments
  29. Moshe says:
    @Olorin
    Or all those foreskins.

    Ever wonder about THAT?

    Wallets.

    And when we turn 15 and have more hundreds than can fit in our pocket we stroke the wallet we stroke the wallet vigorously until it turgids into a suitcase.

    Read More
    ReplyAgree/Disagree/Etc. More... This Commenter This Thread Hide Thread Display All Comments
  30. Moshe says:
    @Olorin
    Or all those foreskins.

    Ever wonder about THAT?

    Wallets.

    And when we turn 15 and have more hundreds than can fit in our pocket we stroke the wallet vigorously until it turgids into a suitcase.

    Read More
    • Replies: @Olorin
    :D

    Are you sure you're not my ex business partner from New Jersey?

    (He used to tell that joke. Only he said 13.)
    , @Moshe
    Ah, brings me back to 8th grade.

    Believe it or not, at 13 we spent an average of 2 hours a day talking about sex. I mean as part of our official Jewish Study.

    Still that didn't mean we knew what it meant. Talmudic study among the black hatters is fuckin insane. On the first day we learned about achieving a wife through "Biyah", an Aramaic word for "entering a woman" but never translated it or discussed it in any contect other than the insane sort of Talmudic study about different commentaries reasonings that explained different earlier commentators' reasoning, going back 4 or 5 generations of this sort of thing.

    But one day the Long White Beard came into our class and gave a long talk in a mixture of English, Yiddish and, so it seemed to me, gibberish.

    In retrospect he was probably telling us not to masturbate. None of us had done it by that point or were really sure about the mechanism of doing it, so his talk seemed fantastically risque and scary (at first it literally felt like, "I told you, now I have to kill you").

    Then a week before 8th grade graduation our Conservative Jewish History/Math teacher told us the abone joke. I wasn't sure what it meant but apparently it was sufficiently problematic that he did not return ever again.

    He sent a letter to the parents through the Literature/Science teacher (we had a few minutes of non-talmudic studied every day in order to placate our Jewish mothers) and the principle went apocalyptic. Needless to say that teacher was never seen again. At least until he got another gig in the Jewish High School I went to.

    So yeah, for us 15 or 16 was probably a fair age.

    Man, we had the strangest upbringing you can have in America.

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  31. Trelane says:
    @Moshe
    Now that's just unfair. Every year 2 weeks before Passover I don a ski mask and break into a bloodbank.

    On account of its multiculturalism I can't do it in New York so The Association buys me a first class ticket to Utah (there was originally some question as to whether Mormons could properly be considered Christians but the word came down on high that apparently they'll do).

    Anyhow, it's for the Matzah. Makes it taste a little salty and weird but for satanic/biological reasons it's an absolute necessity.

    I’m sure that gets a laugh in the Catskills. Especially after Judy and Melvin have a few glasses of Manischewitz. It’s really pretty funny then.

    Read More
    • Replies: @Moshe
    Or maybe, just maybe, you don't have a sense of humor?
    ReplyAgree/Disagree/Etc. More... This Commenter This Thread Hide Thread Display All Comments
  32. Moshe says:
    @Trelane
    I'm sure that gets a laugh in the Catskills. Especially after Judy and Melvin have a few glasses of Manischewitz. It's really pretty funny then.

    Or maybe, just maybe, you don’t have a sense of humor?

    Read More
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  33. Olorin says:
    @Moshe
    Wallets.

    And when we turn 15 and have more hundreds than can fit in our pocket we stroke the wallet vigorously until it turgids into a suitcase.

    :D

    Are you sure you’re not my ex business partner from New Jersey?

    (He used to tell that joke. Only he said 13.)

    Read More
    ReplyAgree/Disagree/Etc. More... This Commenter This Thread Hide Thread Display All Comments
  34. Olorin says:
    @Moshe
    Now that's just unfair. Every year 2 weeks before Passover I don a ski mask and break into a bloodbank.

    On account of its multiculturalism I can't do it in New York so The Association buys me a first class ticket to Utah (there was originally some question as to whether Mormons could properly be considered Christians but the word came down on high that apparently they'll do).

    Anyhow, it's for the Matzah. Makes it taste a little salty and weird but for satanic/biological reasons it's an absolute necessity.

    Mmmm, I dunno about the bloodbank thing. Dangerous downstream from HIV.

    As for seasoning matzoh, you should try liberal tears. Far saltier.

    Read More
    • Replies: @Moshe
    Yeah, that's why we go with Mormons these days. Ever since the Reformation there's been some halachic concern about the christian-ness of the blood but good Catholics are hard to come by and Mormon blood, like you said, is safer. Liberal tears WOULD be great. But they would render the matzach chometz on account of all the yeast in them from so much vagina kissing.
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  35. Moshe says:
    @Moshe
    Wallets.

    And when we turn 15 and have more hundreds than can fit in our pocket we stroke the wallet vigorously until it turgids into a suitcase.

    Ah, brings me back to 8th grade.

    Believe it or not, at 13 we spent an average of 2 hours a day talking about sex. I mean as part of our official Jewish Study.

    Still that didn’t mean we knew what it meant. Talmudic study among the black hatters is fuckin insane. On the first day we learned about achieving a wife through “Biyah”, an Aramaic word for “entering a woman” but never translated it or discussed it in any contect other than the insane sort of Talmudic study about different commentaries reasonings that explained different earlier commentators’ reasoning, going back 4 or 5 generations of this sort of thing.

    But one day the Long White Beard came into our class and gave a long talk in a mixture of English, Yiddish and, so it seemed to me, gibberish.

    In retrospect he was probably telling us not to masturbate. None of us had done it by that point or were really sure about the mechanism of doing it, so his talk seemed fantastically risque and scary (at first it literally felt like, “I told you, now I have to kill you”).

    Then a week before 8th grade graduation our Conservative Jewish History/Math teacher told us the abone joke. I wasn’t sure what it meant but apparently it was sufficiently problematic that he did not return ever again.

    He sent a letter to the parents through the Literature/Science teacher (we had a few minutes of non-talmudic studied every day in order to placate our Jewish mothers) and the principle went apocalyptic. Needless to say that teacher was never seen again. At least until he got another gig in the Jewish High School I went to.

    So yeah, for us 15 or 16 was probably a fair age.

    Man, we had the strangest upbringing you can have in America.

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  36. Moshe says:
    @Olorin
    Mmmm, I dunno about the bloodbank thing. Dangerous downstream from HIV.

    As for seasoning matzoh, you should try liberal tears. Far saltier.

    Yeah, that’s why we go with Mormons these days. Ever since the Reformation there’s been some halachic concern about the christian-ness of the blood but good Catholics are hard to come by and Mormon blood, like you said, is safer. Liberal tears WOULD be great. But they would render the matzach chometz on account of all the yeast in them from so much vagina kissing.

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