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Is This Too Much to Ask from a World Cup Final?

Half-time: score tied 1-1

End of regulation: 2-2

End of overtime: Somebody wins 3-2

Also, it would be nice if Germany doesn’t play Hack-a-Shaq with Lionel Messi.

Nobody disses a Zidane!

But World Cup finals, like 1970s Super Bowls, usually turn out awful, like 1994′s 0-0 tie at the Rose Bowl that went to penalty kicks, in which the Italian star Roberto Baggio missed the entire goal from 12 paces away to hand Brazil the championship. (Here’s video: he didn’t even come close.)

Or the 2006 final in which the most respected veteran, Zinedine Zidane, got himself ejected at the crucial moment for pointlessly going all Bob Hoskins on an Italian away from play. (Video: you deserve to watch this again. It’s great. I can’t believe I got up early enough to watch this live. It was one of the all time best moments of TV watching.)

Schweinsteiger takes revenge upon Messi

So, judging from history, the final will probably consist of 120 minutes of scorelessness followed by penalty kicks in which Germany’s World Cup record setting scorer Miroslav Klose whiffs and falls down on the ball, breaking his hip.

And then needing just one penalty kick score to win the World Cup, the great Messi decides instead to hit Bastian Schweinsteiger over the head with a folding chair, and gets a red card.

Mass brawling spreads from the field to the stands to the streets. Soon all of Rio, from the favelas to the yachts, is aflame.

Blatter: “Dammit, Messi, now the Qataris want their bribes back!”

A panicked Sepp Blatter orders his motorcade to make a run for his solid gold private jet to fly him back to the FIFA Headquarters Bunker in his hollowed-out Swiss Alp, but is carjacked enroute by Vin Diesel and a reanimated Paul Walker.

The fighting in the stadium between Germans and Argentines ends only when, in an unexpected turn of events, a 125-year-old man (who has been quietly managing a Radio Shack in Rosario for the last 69 years under the name Señor Hilter) struggles out to midfield and delivers a galvanizing speech calling for peace between his two nations, so they can unite to invade Uruguay.

I’d watch that.

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