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If Alexander Hamilton Were Alive Today ...
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In the iSteve comments, Ozymandias writes:

Used to be that every historically significant figure eventually got retconned into being secretly gay. Now they all get retconned into being secretly black.

Mr. Anon replies:

Why not both? Why if Alexander Hamilton were alive today…………..he’d be lying dead in Ed Buck’s rumpus room.

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  1. JimB says:

    If Alexander Hamilton were alive today he would be deplatformed.

  2. Hockamaw says:

    They’re actually saying Chicago was founded by a black guy now. I’m not kidding. They built this statue of him.

    Our society has gone absolutely fucking crazy.

  3. Anon[366] • Disclaimer says:

    Rumpus room — that’s a term I haven’t heard since I was a kid. I remember watching the Munich Olympics in a neighbor friend’s rumpus room. I seem to remember eating snacks off of fold-up TV dinner trays. Our house was too small for a rumpus room.

    Get rid of those open living room-dining-kitchen contraptions and bring back rumpus rooms! And bring back the Swanson Hungry Hombre Mexican TV dinner.

  4. BenKenobi says:

    Not to mention spinning in his grave.

  5. lhtness says:

    Does this mean that we can expect that, before long, everyone will get retconed as being secretely transgender?

    • LOL: bomag
    • Replies: @BB753
  6. istevefan says:

    He’d probably have to challenge some people to duels, unless they took back their slander of his background.

  7. Alexander Hamilton was half-black. And a bastard. What’s your problem now?

  8. @JimB

    If Alexander Hamilton were alive today he would be deplatformed.

    Or the co-star of Nevis and Nuthead.

  9. Hail says: • Website

    Hamilton [b.1755 or 1757] entered King’s College (now Columbia) in New York City in the autumn of 1773 “as a private student”, and officially matriculated in May 1774

    Hamilton rolled into Columbia as a teenager.

    If today, naturally he and Julian Von Abele could/would team up.

    (OTOH, it’s hard to say how historical figures, no matter their power of intellect or strength of character, would react if subjected to the dreary anti-WhiteMale conditioning so universal today. What is the chance that were Hamilton born in 1990s rather than the 1750s, he would ‘turn coat’ against the White Man and, seeing the bright prospects for anti-White activists, become one of today’s dreary and humorless social-justice types?)

  10. BB753 says:

    Unbeknownst to us, we are all secretly transgendered. It’s only a matter of time before the all-seeing State assigns us our proper gender. Forcefully of course.

  11. Realist says:

    If Alexander Hamilton Were Alive Today …

    …he would be 262 years old.

  12. Not to be too realistic and depressing, but he’d be a Wall Street attorney and frequent guest on cable business shows.

  13. @obwandiyag

    But his mother wasn’t a little Nigerian girl in London!

  14. @JimB

    . . . he’d say, “Boy, am I getting old!” (Ba-DOOM!) Also, the Gatekeepers of The Narrative could ask to test his DNA to “prove” he was part African (even though race doesn’t exist, and wouldn’t matter if it did). “Hi! I’m Alexander Hamilton, and I LOVE 23andme! Now available in family size.”

  15. JimB says:

    What is the chance that were Hamilton born in 1990s rather than the 1750s, he would ‘turn coat’ against the White Man and, seeing the bright prospects for anti-White activists, become one of today’s dreary and humorless social-justice types?

    About the same as the chance he would end up as the unfortunate guy who sodomized Matress Girl.

  16. @obwandiyag

    Alexander Hamilton was half-black. And a bastard. What’s your problem now?

    His father was Scottish and his mother a French Huguenot—

  17. Dr. X says:

    If Alexander Hamilton Were Alive Today …

    …he’d be an artillery officer in a revolutionary army engaged in combat against the imperial U.S. government…

  18. @obwandiyag

    Well, Alexander Hamilton came from the Carribean tropical products economy, which was supported by killing slaves. The average fresh of the boat slave (male) would survive the fields about 3 years. That’s why black slaves were used — white slaves only lasted 3 years. Cost of whites and blacks was essentially transportation cost, so present value of a black slave exceeded that of a white, back then.

    A US southerner didn’t think that way, except perhaps down in Louisiana (“down the river”). Slaves in the US had families, etc. Not a perfect life, but a life rather than an extended death.

    Hamilton took the utter ruthlessness of that economy and brought it to the US. He might have been right about the financial methods he proposed, but I’m still a bit uneasy on this matter.


  19. Anonymous[258] • Disclaimer says:

    Well, the assertion that Alexander Hamilton had homosexual inclinations is not unsubstantiated. For example:

    Cold in my professions, warm in my friendships, I wish, my Dear Laurens, it might be in my power, by action rather than words to convince you that I love you. I shall only tell you that ’til you bade us Adieu, I hardly knew the value you had taught my heart to set upon you. Indeed, my friend, it was not well done. You know the opinion I entertain of mankind, and how much it is my desire to preserve myself free from particular attachments, and to keep my happiness independent of the caprice of others. You should not have taken advantage of my sensibility to steal into my affections without my consent.

    Or, when Laurens was ignoring Hamilton letters :

    Like a jealous lover, when I thought you slighted my caresses, my affection was alarmed and my vanity piqued. I had almost resolved to lavish no more of them upon you and to reject you as an inconstant and an ungrateful .

    Or when Hamilton wrote about the conciliation between his public and marital duties, and the time spent with his sweetheart Laurens :

    In spite of Schuyler’s black eyes, I have still a part for the public and another for you; so your impatience to have me married is misplaced; a strange cure by the way, as if after matrimony I was to be less devoted that I am now. Let me tell you, that I intend to restore the empire of Hymen and that Cupid is to be his prime Minister.

    • Replies: @syonredux
  20. The best reason to be cryonically suspended: to not be retconned as black or trans.

    Death where is they sting – hah!

  21. Danindc says:

    Yes!! Loved rumpus room. Takes you back…

    • Replies: @Jim Don Bob
  22. Thirdtwin says:

    …or he’d be enjoying life after two terms as President.

  23. TWS says:

    Salisbury steak and mashed potatoes.

  24. If Hamilton were alive he might be dismayed to see mainland America following in the footsteps of his native Nevis – originally founded as a virtuous colony of hardworking White Anglo-Saxon Protestant yeomen, but later destroyed when Jewish merchants subsequently arrived and imported massive numbers of non-Whites as cheap labor for “The Economy”.

    In 1650, the English Caribbean colonies had a WASP population as large as the mainland English colonies.

    By 1750, a century after Jewish refugees from Dutch Brazil introduced sugar planting (and large volume slave trading backed by Amsterdam financiers) to the English Caribbean, the mainland WASP population was 50 times larger than the anemic Caribbean WASP population, but the Caribbean Jewish and Black population was twice as large as the mainland Jewish and Black population.

    The White population of Barbados was 1/20th Jewish, Jamaica 1/10th, and Nevis 1/4, compared to the negligible Jewish 1/1000th presence on the mainland, concentrated at slave importation sites such as Charleston (largest Jewish community in America from 1740s to 1820s) and Savannah (where they played a role in overturning Oglethorpe’s original bans on slavery and liquor) and slave trading centers such as Newport R.I (home of the oldest Synagogue in the USA).

    In the short term, the Caribbean colonies were the most profitable part of the British colonial empire.

    In the long term, on the other hand, America became the world’s greatest economic and industrial power by the late 1880s thanks to the unlimited potential of the free White Protestant worker, while Barbados, Nevis and Jamaica became impoverished backwaters.

    The Caribbean Jews then moved on to greener pastures, leaving the Redlegs behind as a tiny hated minority with no future.

    • Agree: Hail
    • Replies: @Father O'Hara
    , @Jack D
  25. rufus says:

    Your comical ignorance ?

    Literally descended of the King Of England through his father, the son of a Scottish Laird.

    Mother was a Huguenot women in the Danish Virgin islands.

    This is less history requiring research, than simple modern period record keeping abundantly available and easily accessible.

  26. If Alexander Hamilton was alive today, The Right Honourable Reverend Sharpton would spend an hour on MSNBC denouncing him as a cultural-appropriating interloper.

  27. syonredux says:

    I look forward to seeing Lin-Manuel Miranda get accused of “straightwashing” Alexander Hamilton…..

    • Replies: @Anonymous
    , @Father O'Hara
  28. Anonymous[258] • Disclaimer says:

    Yes, Lin-Manuel Miranda, slighted the caresses that Hamilton did with Laurens.

  29. J1234 says:

    Now they all get retconned into being secretly black.

    I still have fun thinking about the Black Panther who said the first president of the US was black. No, not Washington, but a guy named Anderson, as I recall, who was president of the first Continental Congress or something. He even had a photograph (from the 1780’s!!) to prove it.

  30. @Counterinsurgency

    UC economist the late Gary Becker,a Nobel winner, demonstrated that black slaves had better diets than the you-know-who rosary bead swingin’ immigrants up North. That was an eye opener to me. As that NYT guy said re the little girl Jazmine,things are never what they seem.

    • Replies: @Jack D
    , @Counterinsurgency
  31. @John Gruskos

    Excellent comment,thanks.
    But…America became great because of the Protestant worker? Didn’t the Prods have some help in the work department?

  32. @syonredux

    Didn’t Burr accuse Hamilton of putting his hands down the pants of John Quincy Adams’ teenage son?

    • Replies: @Father O'Hara
  33. @Father O'Hara

    I meant to say John Quincy Adams,teenage son of John Adams. Hamilton put his hands in the pants of young JQA. Not the father,John Adams. Kevin Spacey reference.

    • Replies: @Anonymous
  34. Jack D says:
    @John Gruskos

    The White population of Barbados was 1/20th Jewish

    Wow, it’s really amazing how this tiny minority has the ability to completely destroy entire countries everywhere. I’m sure that if the good people of Barbados had only had the foresight to ban Jews then Bridgetown today would be as rich as New York City which has prospered because of its Judenrein status.

    To anyone reading this – this is a highly tendentious view of Caribbean history and bears no resemblance to the actual history of the Caribbean which was driven largely by white British planters.

  35. Jack D says:
    @Father O'Hara

    The slaves of the South were valuable livestock and were fed a balanced healthy diet of cornmeal and collard greens and occasionally the lesser parts of the hog by their owners ( a better diet BTW than the junk food that they are eating now on their EBT cards but ADM says that there’s no profit in collard greens). The Irish in the North were free and chose to live on a diet composed mainly of whiskey and beer.

    • Replies: @HA
  36. @Father O'Hara

    Quite true, for the American Southeast. Slaves in the Caribbean tropical products economy were worked to death. Got their revenge, though, they brought African diseases with them that made the Caribbean islands death traps for European armies.


  37. @Danindc

    You date yourself. How about Romper Room?

  38. Anonymous[258] • Disclaimer says:
    @Father O'Hara

    If you are complaining about the references, here there the exact same references from the national archives :
    Quote 1 :

    Quote 2 :

    Quote 3 :

  39. @Anon

    Didn’t everybody play Battleship or paper dolls in the basement, so the grown-ups didn’t have to put up with the noise? My brother’s friends specialized in making loud flatulence noises in their elbows during Easy Money.

  40. He was black I’m telling you. And a bastard. And Burr shot him for saying something really stupid that would get anybody shot. He couldn’t control is big mouth.

    • Replies: @Mr. Anon
    , @Anonymous
  41. Sean says:

    Regardless of political orientations, American politicians all claim to be Jeffersonians. Few, if any, will admit to being Hamiltonians. In the late 20th century, it appears, the consensus holds that Noah Webster was right to name Hamilton “the evil genius of this country.

  42. @Counterinsurgency

    Correction: the black slaves lastd 5 years, the white slaves only 3.


  43. @Hockamaw

    But it was, DuSable a fur trader from Haiti.

  44. If Hamilton were alive today, he’d be beating on the inside lid of his coffin.

    • LOL: JMcG
  45. @Hockamaw

    Our society has gone absolutely fucking crazy.

    Nice cravat, though.

  46. Mr. Anon says:

    He was black I’m telling you. And a bastard. And Burr shot him for saying something really stupid that would get anybody shot. He couldn’t control is big mouth.

    Indeed. Hamilton lost that duel because he was holding his flintlock pistol sideways.

    • LOL: Redneck farmer
  47. Hail says: • Website

    Founder of Chicago

    Not enough plaque space to write “First non-Amerindian to spend an appreciable amount of time in an area near the location that would, generations later, become Chicago” (is even this highly qualified claim dubious?)

  48. MEH 0910 says:

    • Replies: @Hail
  49. Hail says: • Website
    @MEH 0910

    Filed under “Coalition of the Fringes Circular Firing Squad.”

  50. JimB says:

    “Why if Alexander Hamilton were alive today…………..he’d be lying dead in Ed Buck’s rumpus room.”

    Only if Hamilton files down the seer pin on his dueling pistol, again. Burr won because Hamilton cheated and ended up accidentally shooting in the air. He was not a man of honor.

  51. Anonymous[261] • Disclaimer says:

    Talking stupid trash and getting himself shot. Maybe there’s more to this black Hamilton thing than I thought.

  52. HA says:
    @Jack D

    “The Irish in the North were free and chose to live on a diet composed mainly of whiskey and beer.”

    You’re right — I mean, with those fat paychecks their freedom afforded, it’s a mystery why they didn’t just eat cake. I get the sense that’s where you’re going with this.

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