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From CalMatters:

With voter turnout up statewide, five California counties find new mail-in ballot system slows count

Vote counting underway in California

Some people have questioned why it takes the state of California most of a month after an election to count the vote, when countries like Paraguay, Laos, and Sierra Leone usually get it over and done with in a few days.

But there’s good news on the horizon for impatient California election watchers.

At the state of California’s vote-counting research & development skunk works in Palo Alto, crack scribes have begun to tally the ballots on high tech clay tablets that must bake in the sun for only a single week.

Gov. Jerry Brown has also announced a big increase in the budget for vote-counters’ abacuses and mats, with legislation pending that would legalize their having desks and adding machines.

Brown added:

“Of course, countries like Paraguay don’t have mail ballots coming in by slow boat from Honduras, the Galapagos Islands, the Kerguelen Islands, Guatelombia, Transnistria, Abbottabad, Abkhazia, Azkaban, Raqqa, Narnia, and The Republic of Pirates.”

The governor further explained:

“Nor do these Third World countries have to provide, by court order, ballots in English, Spanish, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Armenian, Persian, Arabic, Syriac, Panjabi, Punjabi, Hmong, Mixtec, Esperanto, Hittite, Klingon, Linear B, Linear A, !San Clickspeak, Shavian Alphabet, Incan Knot Lingo, Runic, Voynich Manuscript, Semaphore, Canary Islands Whistle Speech, The Analytical Language of John Wilkins, American Sign Language, Thieves’ Argot, Smoke Signals, Ouija Board, Enigma Encryption, Turing Machine, General Semantics, System Basic, Cityspeak, Telepathy, Dolphin, Assembler, COBOL, Coco Sign Language, HTML, PDF, Graffiti, Gang Signs, SMS, Bitcoin, and Emoji, plus certain languages spoken only by individual pairs of identical twins.”

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  1. wren says:

    Plural of Abacus

    Arabic has nothing to do with the matter: the English word abacus is a direct borrowing of Latin abacus, so it comes with the Latin plural abaci. It also forms the native English plural abacuses. Other examples of this two-plurals phenomenon are the plurals appendixes and appendices, formulas and formulae, and indexes and indices.

    • Replies: @Mishra
    , @athEIst
  2. wren says:

    I wonder what percentage are fraudulent.

    • Replies: @anonymous
  3. The Ouija board ballots probably work pretty well, especially in California, but it takes two people, so secret ballots must be impossible.

    The Enigma Encryption ballots would be a better choice.

    Why no tarot card ballots? Surely California has people who make decisions this way:

  4. Is it legal to vote in California using lesbian interpretative dance?

  5. tyrone says:

    the dead still vote, democrat poll workers know who they want to vote for,it’s a gift.

  6. Mishra says:

    Did you perceive this article to involve some sort of job application, or perhaps an RFP?

    BTW Steve, this one is masterful on your part.

    • Replies: @wren
  7. Venator says:

    Lol, like, literally. Let me just say that this is Steve’s funniest post this year, at least.

  8. peterike says:

    OT: Meanwhile, in the nerve center of the Globalist Nation Wrecking Project, the ever battening Chinese hordes grow restless over Lord DeBlasio’s plan to eliminate testing for extra-special schools. The photo is priceless. This is America, ladies and gentlemen.

  9. Polynikes says:

    Any other state/country and I would peg this for obvious satire. With California it is getting harder to tell.

  10. No ballots available in Wakandan? This is blatant discimination against African Americans and explains once and for all why they perform so poorly on IQ tests.

  11. After the overseas ballots are counted, the revised results will surprise no one. The top two vote getters in each race (who will advance to the November General Election) will both be Democrats. The surprise will be in inland districts where only one Democrat was on the ballot, but no matter, two Democrats it is.

  12. Barnard says:

    Trump should start investigating California state elections. Give them a deadline, the state has a week to get their elections certified or the results are invalid for federal races. This should be an easy one for him.

    • Agree: wren
  13. Serious suggestion for another column: the likelihood and ease with which vote fraud could be performed. I assume that vote fraud is universal. Furthermore, I assume that voter fraud is almost negligible. In other words, its the vote counters that are breaking the law-not individual voters (bussed in, or claiming to be someone they are not, or voting multiple times, or whatever).

    Quick math of my assumptions:
    Americans move on average every 7 years. Thus, between presidential elections, close to half of Americans move. Nobody updates the voter rolls.
    Americans die after 75 years (thus, they are of voting age for roughly 50 years). Thus, in 4 years, 8% of voter rolls are out of date due to death.
    Roughly 50% of eligible voters vote in Presidential elections: maybe 30-40% vote in off elections.

    Elections are almost always decided by 5% or less, and frequently 2% or less.

    It would be very difficult to hide 2% of the voting population being bussed to vote multiple times, or use fraudulent names, or somehow conspire to vote when they shouldn’t.

    It would be trivially easy for a precinct worker to add 2% of the vote total ( not 2% of the eligible voters: not 2% of the registered voters: 2% of actual voters), made up of dead/out of date names, to the boxes full of ballots.

    If someone in the know discussed vote maintenance (chain of custody) in the same way we would maintain evidence maintenance (from cop to police station to evidence locker, etc), or many employees’ drug test urine (from bladder to vial to signed sticker to signed baggie to laboratory), I think it would be informative for the American public.


    • Replies: @Eagle Eye
    , @wren
  14. @peterike

    I wish all those dead Union soldiers could see that picture. Or WWII or Vietnam or Korean or WWI or Revolutionary War, pick one.

    • Replies: @Talleyrand
  15. carol says:

    No ballot language in Ebonics??

  16. No Ebonic or it’s attendant dialects – Criptic and Hemota (of the Blood tribe)?

  17. Eagle Eye says:

    If someone in the know discussed vote maintenance (chain of custody) in the same way we would maintain evidence maintenance (from cop to police station to evidence locker, etc), or many employees’ drug test urine (from bladder to vial to signed sticker to signed baggie to laboratory), I think it would be informative for the American public.

    Correct – basic evidentiary procedures in elections are INTENTIONALLY disgraceful.

    In some African countries, ballot boxes must be made of plexiglass to ensure that they arrive empty. Ballots are counted in front of voters inside the polling station, not behind closed doors at a far-away government office.

    No SANE country entrusts ballot boxes and ballots to members of public unions.

    • Replies: @wren
  18. Sean says:

    “The Israelis wanted it that way,” McCarthy said in an interview. “They were willing to have the money given to them and then come back and buy [the planes).”

    Kennedy’s promise to deliver the jets directly to Israel during the ’68 California primary election was, he recalls grimly, “a false issue.”

    For Kennedy, McCarthy notes, that promise would prove fatal. “Bobby said he would give them the jets and Sirhan somewhere cited that as another force that moved him to do what he did.”

    McCarthy was referring to Kennedy’s assassination by Sirhan Sirhan, an Arab zealot, just minutes after acknowledging his victory in the make-or-break California primary.

    The survivor of that historic 1968 California Democratic primary election recalls two other areas where he believes his rival falsely exploited the candidates’ positions.

    One was race. “He said I was going to pull 10,000 blacks from Watts and put them in Orange County. He said that in the San Francisco debate.”

    The other Kennedy assertion that McCarthy resents to this day was that he, the man who had pioneered the anti-war challenge to Johnson, would “negotiate with communists.”

    “Who would you negotiate with?” McCarthy asks three decades later. How could America broker an end to the Vietnam War if not with the people we were fighting, the communist North Vietnamese and Viet Cong?

    On all three points, McCarthy remains unforgiving of the man who died soon after their heated California contest.

    “I suppose the three most sensitive, most prejudicial issues this country faced were race, anti-communism and anti-Semitism. He tried to exploit all of them.”

    It’s said that the Irish think of heaven as the place where men get their revenge with each other. Gene McCarthy, flinty and feisty, is in no mood to wait.

    McCarthy’s mother was German.

    • Replies: @Buffalo Joe
    , @Anon
    , @Eagle Eye
  19. wren says:

    Oh, yes, yes, add me to the ballot please.

    Since you asked…

    Ever since I learned that octopi is an accepted English plural for octopus, even though there was no word for octopus originally in Latin, (it’s Greek, so the plural should be octopodes), I get interested when I see a -us or -uses or plural -i word.

    You could say I was triggered by abacuses.

    Out of curiosity, if you know, why, when I look for abacus in Hindi, do I get these three similar words: अबेकस / अबाकस / अबैकस ?

    Different styles of abacuses, or rather abaci?

    Or regional dialects?

    Or, perhaps do different castes use different terms?

    • Replies: @Mishra
  20. bored identity is severely triggered , as he just learned from Sailer that the Golden State is turning into huwhite-supremacist shithole under Governeralissimus Brown;

    No decent Mexicalifornicated country would ever forget to offer ballot in Swahili for…a tiny duck’s fellow Bantu-Hillbilly.

    No justice, no fleece!

    • Replies: @Anon
  21. wren says:
    @Eagle Eye

    I think what IS abundantly transparent in US elections is the open invitation to voter fraud.

    This is where Trump can get traction, but other GOP folks were too wimpy and polite to mention it.

    • Replies: @International Jew
  22. anonymous[311] • Disclaimer says:

    Dunno. Whatever it is, it wasn’t enough to have kept The Empress of Chappaqua from scarfing up 55 Electoral big ones back in 2016.

  23. wren says:

    Here you go, from the SCOTUS today:

    As some guy once said, elections have consequences.

    Thank you Gorsuch.

  24. Chuck says:

    Patrick Little wuz robbed!

  25. wren says:

    The WAPO is running an article that casts some immigrants in a decidedly negative light.

    If that is behind a paywall, here is the same story:

    This sounds genuinely terrifying.

    The WAPO is giving Trump the opportunity for a win win by running articles like this.

    The principal:

  26. Anon[257] • Disclaimer says:

    The longest lasting anti school busing de segregation law suit was first filed by the San Francisco Chinese in 1966. They lost of course. They filed appeals and lost of course. Then they filed a new lawsuit. It went on for decades.

    Black trumps Hispanic Hispanic trumps Chinese. If these parents don’t like affirmative action, let them go back to China.

    I have no sympathy for any race but the White European Goyim.

  27. @Sean

    Sirhan did America a favor . And too bad Teddy’s car didn’t sink faster. Apologies to Maryjo’s family.

    • Agree: Dan Hayes
    • Replies: @Anon
  28. Anon[257] • Disclaimer says:
    @bored identity

    Wait till California gets Gavin Newsom.

  29. athEIst says:

    Did the Romans have abaci?

    • Replies: @wren
  30. Anon[257] • Disclaimer says:

    McCarthy was anti White and totally pro affirmative action & school desegregation like all the rest of the democrats. So F him

  31. Anon[257] • Disclaimer says:
    @Buffalo Joe

    Absolutely agree.

  32. I haven’t laughed out loud like that in awhile. Thanks for that. My South American wife agrees, by the way: Paraguay is lot less ri-goddam-diculous and corrupt, and downright stupidly governed than is Mexinchifornia. She adds that you forgot to mention the Barkers’ Cant of the Ubiquitous Street-Vendors and So-Called “Food Trucks” of this unholy place….

  33. David Pinsen can confirm that in Bergen County, New Jersey (the most populous county in NJ @ 884K) the ballots are printed in three languages: English, Spanish, and Korean. It wouldn’t surprise me if they will soon be printed in Arabic.

    Here is the ballot from Fort Lee, which is the town you are in when you enter NJ on the George Washington Bridge:

    • Replies: @TheJester
  34. @wren

    Yes, and he tried, by instructing his people to investigate. But they couldn’t get anywhere because cities and states refused to provide data.

    The left’s attitude is, “There’s no evidence of voter fraud, and we’ll do all we can to prevent you from finding any”:

    • Replies: @wren
    , @Eagle Eye
  35. wren says:
    @International Jew

    I’m thinking of things like photo ID for voting.

    Trump is much smarter about how he frames these things, which makes all the difference.

    Everyone knows that is very easy to get a photo ID.

    Of course it is harder to cheat if you have to present a photo ID, so democrats say it is racist to require ID’s, and then republicans are afraid to say anything.

    Trump is great at saying things like “Some people say that blacks aren’t smart enough to get ID’s, but I know that isn’t true! Smart, smart people! It makes me sick when I hear that blacks aren’t smart enough to get ID’s” or something like that.

    I was surprised about Sotomayor’s statement today. She seemed to be saying that people should not respect the decision of the supreme court. Smart woman.

    Justice Sonia Sotomayor said the ruling would hamper the right to vote in many parts of the country.
    “Our democracy rests on the ability of all individuals, regardless of race, income, or status, to exercise their right to vote,” she said. “Communities that are disproportionately affected by unnecessarily harsh registration laws should not tolerate efforts to marginalize their influence in the political process, nor should allies who recognize blatant unfairness stand idly by.”

    Sotomayor was joined by Justices Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Stephen Breyer and Elena Kagan.

    Sotomayor! Election fraud has a disparate impact on republicans!

    • Replies: @Eagle Eye
    , @Eagle Eye
  36. wren says:

    Of course they did. And calculi.

    I once met a Filipino kid whose name was pronounced “Abyssidy.”

    Spelled, ABCD.

    • Replies: @ScarletNumber
  37. @The preferred nomenclature is...

    I wish all those dead union soldiers had not invaded the South. They’d still be dead but…

  38. Eagle Eye says:
    @International Jew

    Yes, and [Trump] tried [to have election fraud investigated], by instructing his people to investigate. But they couldn’t get anywhere because cities and states refused to provide data.

    There is no real need for internal data from swamp cities and counties. Voter rolls and related records (vote participation records) are public and themselves are strong indications of fraud, e.g. dead voters, same voter registered in different places, illegals (WaPo said about 20% of illegals VOTE).

    An intelligent algorithm could be developed within weeks to cross-reference voting records against credit, IRS, home ownership, public assistance and other existing government and commercial records to identify likely malfeasance. In fact, it is highly likely that multiple players – public and private – already operate such systems in their back offices.

    There are stringent federal statutes relating to voting procedures going back to the Civil War and later to the Civil Rights era, so the Feds have leverage to seize records etc., whether or not counties and cities cooperate.

    Where there is a WILL, there is a way.

    • Replies: @Eagle Eye
  39. Eagle Eye says:
    @Eagle Eye

    WaPo said about 20% of illegals VOTE

    At 20 million ilegales, that’s 4 million “votes.”

    Hillary claims to have won the popular vote by 2.9 million “votes.” Given that the Democrats and their SEIU allies have a “slush pool” of at least 6 million illegal, dead, double etc. “voters” whose “votes” they “cast,”


    • Replies: @International Jew
  40. Eagle Eye says:

    I’m thinking of things like photo ID for voting.


    In fact, of course, African Americans almost certainly possess CURRENT government IDs at a HIGHER rate than other citizens due to the greater rates of military service, government employment, welfare dependency, contacts with the criminal law system, etc.

    Resistance to Voter ID is solely intended to facilitate illegal voting by ilegales, the deceased American community, and non-existent Americans.

    Legitimate immigrants almost never vote because (a) by definition, they have opted to apply for a visa; and (b) they are concerned about losing their legal status, as well as (possibly) their reputation.

  41. Mishra says:

    Despite my moniker, which I would love to change, I know very little of Hindi or any other subcontinent language. So alas I cannot help except to say that I generally avoid pedantry, and freely use words like “stadiums” and “forums” etc. Bigger fish to fry I guess–though I do agree that language is important.

  42. Eagle Eye says:

    Judgette Sonita Sotomayor said the ruling would hamper the right to vote in many parts of the country.
    “Our democracy rests on the ability of all individuals, regardless of … status, to exercise their right to vote,” she said. “Communities [of ilegales that are disproportionately affected by ... laws should not tolerate efforts to marginalize their influence in the political process, nor should [SEIU agents] who recognize blatant unfairness stand idly by [without making sure that the votes of ilegales are cast correctly.”

    Why don’t we just get it over and done with and let the entire world vote in U.S. elections. Just because somebody currently resides in a Mexican prison is no reason to deny him the right to have his ballot voted by SEIU agents.

  43. Sorry, Jerry Brown is not that clever. You had me for a fraction of a second.

  44. Eagle Eye says:

    Along with Ted Kennedy, McCarthy was one of the original co-sponsors of the Immigration Act of 1965. He later regretted this, noting that

    “unrecognized by virtually all of the bill’s supporters, were provisions which would eventually lead to unprecedented growth in numbers and the transfer of policy control from the elected representatives of the American people to individuals wishing to bring relatives to this country“.[11]

    Eugene and the U.S.A. are the suckers here. (NOTE – save now. Paragraph is likely to disappear within hours of this posting).

    BTW – perhaps Edward Kennedy’s interaction with Mary Jo Kopechne was much MORE sinister than suspected. Could Kennedy have killed her intentionally in some manner, e.g. a “snuff” encounter or to shut up a blackmailer, and then staged the “drowning” to cover his tracks?

    The alleged delay in getting Kennedy fixers involved seems strange. Even a drunk Kennedy never forgets the imperative to protect his worthless hide and that of his clan.

  45. @wren

    Was he in the same class as Le-a, OrangeJello, and LemonJello?

    • Replies: @wren
  46. I can wait till the 4th of July, and even longer. Elections don’t matter much anymore, in California.

    I haven’t even bothered to check on the races that have been officially called.

  47. Gov. Jerry Brown wants to make sure that there is no Russian hacking, that is why it takes so long.

  48. wren says:

    I never did meet those fellows, but now I learn that I spelled it wrong. ABCDE. Apparently most people pronounce it like “Absidy.”

    • Replies: @ScarletNumber
  49. @wren

    I believe that Le-a is a girl’s name, and is pronounced Ledasha.

  50. IBC says:

    Steve, this is one of your funnier spoofs and I love the references to “Guatelombia” and the “Republic of Pirates.” But too bad this isn’t just a joke.

  51. TheJester says:

    Ballots are printed in many languages other than English so that people who cannot read, write, or speak English can bring their multiracial and multicultural perspectives to the issue of deciding who will govern and/or whether bond issues will be issued for schools, fire stations, etc. This is the essence of democracy as it has evolved since the 1965 Voting Rights Act, which was originally narrowly focused on the South to increase voter participation on the part of illiterate blacks.

    The Voting Rights Act was extended and amended in 1970, 1975, 1982, and 2006 to include an ever-increasing number of newly recognized and protected minorities living outside of the South. The latest amendments now cover Amerindians on reservations in their native languages and any group of “covered language minorities” (whatever that means) with at least 10,000 non-English speakers within a jurisdiction. The latest about the 2006 amendments and extensions are below (Wikipedia):

    As the bilingual election requirement in Section 203(c) neared expiration in 1992, Congress considered legislation to extend and expand it. Representative José E. Serrano (D-NY) introduced legislation,[29] dubbed the Voting Rights Language Assistance Act of 1992, to extend the provision for 15 years, making its term coterminous with the other special provisions scheduled to expire in 2007. The legislation also expanded the coverage formula and the Section 203(c) bilingual election requirement to cover jurisdictions containing at least 10,000 persons of any one of the covered language minorities.[30]:50–51 This reached major cities such as Philadelphia, San Francisco, and Los Angeles.[31]:1486–1487 Finally, in recognition of “the historical fact that reservation boundaries predate and therefore often do not correspond to State or county lines,” the legislation created an alternative coverage formula for Native American language-minority voters living on Indian reservations.

    Therefore, it is irrelevant to governance in the United States that there are legions of voters who are unable to communicate in English and are, therefore, completely unaware of the issues at large. One cannot have diversity without inclusiveness and one cannot have inclusiveness without sacralizing inputs from residents of foreign extraction who are illiterate in our language.

    This principle was established in 1970 when President Nixon nominated Judge G. Harrold Carswell to the Supreme Court. Carswell was criticized for his lack of judicial judgment. Senator Roman Hruska of Nebraska leaped to Carswell’s defense.

    ‘’Even if he were mediocre,’’ Mr. Hruska declared, ‘’there are a lot of mediocre judges and people and lawyers. They are entitled to a little representation, aren’t they, and a little chance? We can’t have all Brandeises, Frankfurters, and Cardozos.’’

    The “Hruska Principle” has now been accepted as a fundamental principle of US Common Law. Indeed, it has been extended to include, through legislation, all residents of the United States who are uninformed, uninformable, and/or illiterate.

    Hence, it is an easy move to extend voting rights on a de facto basis to non-citizens … millions of non-English speaking residents in an increasing demographic who have likewise lacked representation in the democratic process. Illegals voting in elections are just proving that they have been, from the beginning, on the right side of history.

  52. Dr. Doom says:

    Dear Voter,

    Your Government is in the mail. Please allow 6-8 weeks for delivery, some restrictions may apply, some assembly may be required, no warranties or guarantees are inferred or implied, void where prohibited, service not available in all areas, please check for availability and thank you for your patience and compliance.

    Signed, Governor (to be named later)
    or current resident

  53. @Eagle Eye

    WaPo said about 20% of illegals VOTE

    They said that? Can you supply a link to it? I’m doubtful…

    • Replies: @Eagle Eye
  54. Eagle Eye says:
    @International Jew

    Number was off, but basic fact is correct:

    More than 14 percent of non-citizens in both the 2008 and 2010 samples indicated that they were registered to vote.

    This is self-reporting of an illegal act, so the actual numbers of illegals registered to purportedly vote are probably quite a bit higher.

    Registration of illegals is clearly organized, and they likely “vote” in a block pursuant to deals brokered in smoke-free backrooms between “community leaders” and political fixers.

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