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Why Did They Kill a Goat in My Honor?
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Dear Mexican: A Mexican man recently broke up with me. We had great sex, but a somewhat distant relationship. Anyways, the reason he left me: his immigration status. He says he can’t “be with me mentally” because he’s somewhere else mentally—that’s to say, not knowing where he might be living in the next days and months is really bothering him. Aside from the fact that he can’t find work now because of Efile. I’m trying to find closure. It’s only been a few days since he left me but I’m struggling with finding peace in myself. My friends say things like, “You’re better off without him” and “Things happen for a reason.” I miss him, miss the great sex (adventurous, great oral, got very close to anal) and most of all, I miss the idea of him. He’s liberal politically, helps his family here and in Mexico, he’s a good person, helps others and he’s very organic. I forgot to mention he has beautiful long hair and is “como un tren,” which means he’s solid like a football player and made me melt when I touched his “guns.” Please help me deal.

La Heina No More

Dear Ya No The Chick: Man, you know Trump is destroying lives when Mexicans can’t even have sex with gabachas anymore without deportation on their mind (quick thought, gents: Think of 45’s blobbish physique to hold out just a bit more). It seems like the two of you had a great relationship outside of el sexo, and he’s obviously concerned about the livelihood of him and his fellow undocumented friends and family, so don’t take it personal. The most important thing right now is for you to be there for him, even if he’s unavailable physically. Protest whenever the inevitable migra raids inflict terror on the barrios in your city. Bombard your congressman and senators demanding they oppose Trump’s wall of shame. Donate to nonprofits designed to help out people like your hombre. Remember: The most important body part of his to have right now is his back. Oh, and #fucktrump



This past Thanksgiving weekend for me was a bit surreal. I’m born and raised here in the beautiful city of Nuestra Señora de Los Angeles and decided to visit my mother in Arkansas, where she recently moved with her new husband (her husband is from the state of Guerrero!). Before my boyfriend (who is white) and I arrived my mother, told me that they (her husband’s family and friends) were going to kill a goat in honor of me and my boyfriend’s arrival and have a huge fiesta on Saturday. I thought she was pulling my leg. Thursday, we had the traditional turkey; come Friday evening, there was a weird stench coming from the back yard of the house. My boyfriend and I noticed that my mom’s husband and his friends were preparing the goat. Mind you, my boyfriend and I only eat three meats in our diet—chicken, beef, and a little bit of pork. Someone told me that this tradition happens in many places in the world and the type of animal they kill in your honor depends how important you are. So do Mexicans really do this, or am I just super special with my family?

Turning Vegetariana Very Soon

Dear Gabacha: I have always maintained that only the world’s superior cultures go crazy for goat. That means that the GOATs of the world are Jamaicans, Vietnamese, Korean, Pakistanis, and, of course, Mexicans. If your ‘billy mom is now with a guy who’s immersing her in the art of cabrito, consider yourself blessed. That he and his compas slaughtered a goat in your name is nothing but respect. “Weird stench”? Watch your manners—and be glad they didn’t make you a taco bowl.


Ask the Mexican at [email protected], be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!

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  1. Pepe says:

    “A Mexican man recently broke up with me.”

    Ha Ha. That doesn’t even happen in Mexico. How much of a mess do you have to be to have it happen to you in the US?

    Of course, we all know this a fake letter Goose sent to himself, but I just wanted to get that in there.

  2. Oooh, I might have to look up some Korean recipes for goat meat. I had no idea they were big on it.

  3. fitzGetty says:

    Burlington VT’s first Mex restaurant opens later this year … at last !

  4. Mongolians consume goat, but I don’t think they’re a superior culture although they did give us the greatest quote ever on what makes life worthwhile.

    • Replies: @Father O'Hara
  5. Dear La Heina,

    But once you have black …

  6. You have talento to cheap literature, maybe a erotic ones…

  7. Because you are a bunch of primitive savages?

  8. Sex with a Mexican is good sex?!?

    • Replies: @Pachyderm Pachyderma
  9. Romanian says: • Website

    What does “he’s very organic” mean? Are people in the US usually cyborgs?

  10. @Father O'Hara

    Probably not as good as between a priest and his charge, what do you think Father O’Hara?

  11. @Daniel Chieh

    To know the love of a good yak? Oh,wait,you mean that other quote…

  12. “got very close to anal”

    Did Gus just out himself? I’ve never meet a woman who’s desire was for anal but that’s just me and not my bag at all so………

    there was one chick i knew that really dug that but she was also a prostitute so………

    • Replies: @Tabasco Jack
  13. Anon • Disclaimer says:

    Again, why does Unz give blog space to this troll, rather than give some support to a blogger who might earnestly make a case on behalf of open borders in general, and widespread Mexican immigration in particular? If the current negative Mexican male stereotype is an anti-intellectual lowbrow, why support someone who eagerly extols the anti-intellectual, and the degenerate lowbrow, as evidenced in this column, as well as many others?

    I just don’t get what Unz is trying to accomplish with “ask a Mexican,” such as it is. Does he find a Mexican degenerate’s answer to “Archie Bunker” week after week to be somehow intellectually or morally edifying? Does he think it’s funny? Is Unz just tired and cynical?

    Whatever the unfortunate reason, I strongly suggest he reassess.

    Currently, it’s just sad, and antithetical to what this website was supposed to be about, imo.

  14. Anonymous • Disclaimer says:

    It’s the “almost anal sex” that got to me. How sad! If it wasn’t for ICE, the como un tren might have gone all the way with her … or is it a “him”? Regardless of legal status, is there no end to the mental and physical torture that America commits on its vulnerable immigrant population?

    There has to be a UN-sanctioned universal civil right to anal sex somewhere in all of this. Yes, it’s about time that the United States recognize its responsibilities to the global community and open its borders to anyone willing to engage in anal sex with its citizens?

  15. @interesting

    What’s her name? Where can I find her? How much does she charge? Does she moan and scream? I do love to break in female virgins into the delights of anal sex. Am I a pig? Oink!

  16. LBD says:

    What a bunch of caga de toro that first letter is. If boyfriend were really concerned about deportation, he would have proposed marriage pronto! That’s the easiest way to legal residency in los EEUU. Heina, he was just not that into you, and came up with a story that you bought hook, line and sinker. He’s probably married, too.

  17. Nothing says true love like buttsex…

  18. DCMG says:

    You need to add Somaliland and Eritrea to your list of goat lovers. The Eritreans have a rather alarming liking for spaghetti bolognese where the bolognese is goat. They eat this stuff one the hottest of days. Eritrea is an interesting mix of Italian dishes with an Ethiopian twist. Interesting country but probably not worth the trouble involved in visiting the place. Think a mix of Cuba and the DPR Korea.

  19. MarcB. says:

    That letter was a nothing more than launching pad to instruct a US citizen to sell out her fellow countrymen for a little piece of chorizo, and was about as real as a Penthouse letter.

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