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Should I Root for Mexico or the U.S in the World Cup?
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Dear Mexican: I’m not a huge soccer fan but I always get excited about the World Cup. In preparation for this event next year, I wanted your opinion on who my wife and I should root for if the U.S. were to play Mexico. I’m a fourth-generation Mexican-American. Spanish was never spoken at home but thanks to our amazing public school system, I rarely need a translator when I speak to Spanish-speaking parents (I’m an administrator at an amazing public school). My wife grew up speaking Spanish and was raised in a home that was culturally Mexican. We both feel comfortable participating in events that are very Mexican and very American. Last night, I asked my wife who she should root for if the U.S. played Mexico. She wasn’t sure. I told her I wasn’t sure either, and that we should ask for your advice. What do you think? Who should we root for? Who would you root for? Who do you think your grandkids will root for?

Sueño Humido del Hombre Hispánico-Americano

Dear Wet Dream of the Pocho Man: I always root for the United States when it plays in Mexico, and Mexico when it faces off against the U.S. in el Norte, but only because I want to see the home fans in agony, because I’m a cabrón like that. You can root for either side, though, because they’re both going to flame out in the quarterfinals of el Mundial next year, anyway. About the only things fans can look forward on either side to is to see which player has enough huevos to kick Putin where Trump’s lips left a giant chupón.


I’m not searching for relationship advice, Mexican; just wondering why there is no love between Honduras and Mexico.

La Gordita

Dear Chubby Catracha: Mexicans might despise Salvadorans and have no use for Guatemalans, but Hondurans? We play “Sopa de Caracol” at all our parties, don’t we?


My understanding, lo these many years, is that Mexicans cannot give up their Mexican citizenship. I understand that under Mexican law, a natural-born Mexican is never legally allowed to claim exclusive other citizenship, and that Mexico will not recognize U.S. embassy legal process in Mexico on behalf of a Mexican naturalized as a U.S. citizen who is present in Mexico. Is that correct??

August in Austin

Dear Gabacho: You’re listening to too much Alex Jones. The Mexican Constitution says native-born Mexicans can never lose their nationality, which is just a fancy way for Mexico to claim more people subject to its authority—an important point we’ll use before the New World Order tribunal in a couple of years to reestablish Aztlán.


In 1990, some of my Mexican friends told me it cost $500 to come from Mexico with a coyote. Recently, a friend from Tamazunchale told me it now costs $2,500. How much of this money, paid to the coyotes, go to Border Patrol Employees?

El Pollo Loco


Dear Gabacho: $2,500? Try $5,000 to start, all thanks to Trump’s immigration policies. And Homeland Security Secretary John Kelly had the gall to take credit for the jacked-up prices. That’s like a big-game hunter saying that the antelope over his fireplace worked extra-hard to get there.


SPECIAL THANKS TO: Maricela and Daniel, two helpful Mexicans at Holy Sepulcher Cemetery in Orange who helped this Mexican find another Mexican’s grave. May the Santo Niño de Atocha bless ustedes for your good work, and may you bury this Mexican with a bottle of mezcal when it’s time for me to go to the great DESMADRE in the sky…


Ask the Mexican at [email protected], be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!

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  1. Anon • Disclaimer says:

    I heard a chihuahua was cheaper than a coyote but worse company.

  2. You root for the Mexicans, because soccer, called football in pretty much the rest of the world, is not a sport, like real American football, so Americans (US Citizens, or gringos, to our Southern neighbours in the Lesser Americas) should not be encouraged to fritter away their time playing it.

  3. Coco Loco should take his señora to the game , pack bags with Ziplocs full of urine/feces, sit in the Mexican bleachers in throwing range of field and get real “comfortable” with Mexican culture by engaging in some serious larping.

  4. @ the alarmist-
    thank you, soccer sux…
    when the reporting on a game hyperventilates about how there were X shots on goal (NOT actual goals, just goal ATTEMPTS), then you know your sport is lame…
    i bet 90% of the players go their whole career without scoring a goal… some fun…
    no wonder soccer fans fight all the time, there is nothing happening on the field…
    if they would make some rule changes to liven it up and have actual scoring, maybe it could be watchable… say, let you use your hands, like dog almighty intended; maybe squash the ball a little so it can be thrown easier; and if they wore pads and helmets, they wouldn’t flop all the time; change the nets to goalposts, and NOW you’ve got a sufficiently violent spectacle ! ! !
    bread and circuses, baby, bread and circuses ! !!

  5. Just sitting here wondering why Unz runs this POS. After a minute or two, it dawns on me. It’s actually a terrible racist plot to cultivate more distaste for the greasers among normal North American white people.

    Terrible, I say, just terrible. Working pretty well, too.

    • Agree: Dan Hayes
    • Replies: @LauraMR
  6. “because I’m a cabrón like that”

    because you’re not American, you’re a race baiting asshole….there, I said it.

  7. Tony says:

    Any chance to knock Trump huh? It just shows you being a dick about it thats all. You gonna start knocking Pink Floyd too? “All in all its just another brick in the wall.”

  8. Should I Root for Mexico or the U.S in the World Cup?

    What does it matter? Neither will win.

  9. Since both will lose, one has only to recline in one’s easy chair with a cervaza and chortle happily. Soccer sucks and may it go al infierno.

  10. @LauraMR

    “Mexico is in North America.” So are Miami and Los Angeles.

  11. elTejano says:

    Do what many Mexicans do, wear German soccer clothing. One might think that it’s the only national soccer team clothing available in Mexico. This is from many years ago. Maybe things changed?

  12. they’re both going to flame out in the quarterfinals of el Mundial next year,

    Quarterfinals would be a grand achievement for either of these shit squads. Falling at the first knockout hurdle is more usual, if not group stage failure.

  13. Logan says:

    That is of course why Mexicans refer to us as norteamericanos. And they don’t mean each other.

  14. Logan says:


    “The term North America maintains various definitions in accordance with location and context. … The UN geoscheme for “North America” separates Mexico from the United States and Canada, placing it instead within its designated “Central America” region.”

    The map is not the territory. Designations such as “North America” are by definition part of the map.

  15. P- Grosse says:

    Soccer is not important in this world, it does not matter who plays. The globalists use it to wash brains of white people and take money for the third world. If soccer dissapears forever, nothing bad happens. It should be banned.

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