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Dear Mexican: Tell me one thing Mexico is good for?

MAGA Man

Dear Gabacho: Paying more taxes than Donald Trump. Read on…

The other weekend, I met a Mexican girl at bar. Hoping to score some points, I pretended that I, too, was Mexican. Between my non-descript ethnicity, (Eastern European and Vietnamese…chabacho, perhaps?), my command of Spanish, and some carefully timed quotes from Blood in, Blood Out, I managed to pull it off…con mucho éxito.

It got me thinking: do Mexicans ever pretend to be other ethnicities? Do light-skinned jaliscienses ever go under cover as gabachos? Do Mexicans sometimes set aside their orgullo to go the Lou Diamond Phillips route? I’m dying to know.

Carlos Chan

Dear Chinito: All the time! When Mexicans hang out with Middle Eastern folks, we like to boast that we have an uncle that looks just like Saddam Hussein; when we’re with Jews, we say that our grandmother observed weird rituals, like lighting candles on Friday and never preparing pork. The lighter-skinned among us continually claim that we had a Frenchman in our family tree that decided to stay in Mexico after the Hapsburg occupation; Xicanxs with full beards will attend Native American powwows and boast they’re a direct descendant of the last honest tlatoani of Tenochtitlán. That’s the thing about Mexicans: we’re everything…except Salvadoran.

 

I teach a volunteer class to kids in the ‘hood, most of them Latinos (many of them Mexican.). I like the kids a lot, but how can I justify teaching kids that may be illegals over kids that are legal? Shouldn’t I cater to kids whose parents have been paying taxes for years? Shouldn’t we “take care of our own” first?

Gabacho’s Moral Dilemna

ORDER IT NOW

Dear Gabacho: Since you’re volunteering your time, you have every right to be a pendejo in your private life. But refry the following frijoles: Primeramente, the Supreme Court’s 1982 decision in Plyler v. Doe found it unconstitutional to deny public education to undocumented kiddies, so if you’re doing this via a school, better keep your bigoted views to yourself lest you get a lawsuit. Also, don’t forget that “illegals” pay un chingo of taxes; a report released this year by the Institute on Taxation & Economic Policy found undocumented immigrants pay about $12 billion in state and local taxes despite their lack of legal status. “Undocumented immigrants’ nationwide average effective tax rate is an estimated 8 percent,” the report said. “To put this in perspective, the top 1 percent of taxpayers pay an average nationwide effective tax rate of just 5.4 percent.” That’s probably more than Donald Trump! Finally, study after study show that those illegal kids are more driven and smarter than “legal” kids. Besides, these are children we’re talking about; hating on kids trying to get ahead in life is all we need to know about our modern, paranoid 21st-century ‘Murica. With morals like yours, the U.S. deserves our future Chinese overlords sooner rather than later.

 

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!

 
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  1. I can really identify with the second question. I’m Eastern European who’s accidentally passed for a Mexican a few times in places from Texas to India, and I really do have an uncle who looks just like Saddam Hussein.

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  2. It is not unheard of for a Mexican (when he’s being booked after an arrest) trying to pass off as some other Latin American nationality.

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    • Replies: @uslabor
    For what reason?
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  3. Big Bill says:

    “Do Mexicans Sometimes Pretend to be Someone Else?”

    Why yes, of course. Millions of Mexicans pretend to be Americans, and sometimes pretend to be Canadians.

    Read More
    • Agree: Jeff77450
    • Replies: @in the middle
    right on, especially since the so called Mexicans are the real Americans, besides the European Mexicans who invaded and stayed not only in current Mexico, wayyy, before the USA was a nation, in places like, 'Nuevo Mexico" Tejas, Nevada, California, etc. with state's names like that, I wonder why the discussion?
    , @El Dato
    But the fact that they don't have feathers in their cap, leather shoes and are carrying tomahawk heat gives it away.
    , @uslabor
    Millions of us ARE Americans, from 1848 on.
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  4. I was going to post a response, but then I figured, why bother? As wrong as he may be, is Gus going to change his mind? Nope. Is he changing any minds with his writings? Not too likely. He’s just a guy with a computer writing letters to himself, and no doubt cackling with glee at his snarky answers to his own questions.

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  5. “He’s just a guy with a computer writing letters to himself, and no doubt cackling with glee at his snarky answers to his own questions”

    nailed it……nuff said.

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  6. hbm says:

    American citizens?

    Fully homo sapien?

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  7. In re the second letter: Of course you should treat the little wetbacks (er, I mean migrants) better than the children of citizens. Pay no attention to what The Mexican writes. In fact, a tiny number of wealthy people (the vast majority of them white and legal residents or citizens) pay a stunningly large proportion of taxes that The Mexican’s compadres tap into. Give these people every opportunity to become disgusted with their treatment in the US, and return to their homelands.

    Read More
    • Replies: @uslabor
    Their home lands? you mean, of course, Arizona, New Mexico, California, Texas, Nevada Utah, and part of Colorado?

    The best part is, despite their "treatment" here in the United States, many decide to stay and build lives, and businesses here, outworking competition to prosper, and multiply.

    Ordale'
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  8. Tony says:

    Hey mexican, whats your problem with salvadorans? Are they lower on the latin hierarchy than mexicans? Where do carribean island hispanics stand on the hierarchy? Dont deny it, there is a hierarchy.

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  9. “Don’t deny it, there is a hierarchy”

    one need only look at the Mexican elected leaders, or watch Univision (the ladies are so hot and look mostly white) and the “hierarchy” is revealed.

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  10. Somos todos norteamericanos, yeh really, verdad que si.
    Mexico is in North America as opposed to South America

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    • Replies: @Santoculto

    Mexico is in North America as opposed to South America
     
    What is mean*
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  11. Jefferson says:

    I know a 100 percent Mexican guy on Facebook who has Yellow Fever and tells Asian women that he is half Filipino and half Mexican. He is one of those Mexicans with Chino shaped eyes due to heavy Amerindian admixture.

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  12. anon says: • Disclaimer

    What gives children of illegal aliens – who are basically criminals – the “right” to a free education? The supreme court should be charged with treason.

    Read More
    • Replies: @El Dato
    You besmirch yourself.

    Some confused left-leaning poet once wrote:

    When the sleigh is heavy
    And the timber wolves are getting bold
    You look at your companions
    And test the water of their friendship
    With your toe
    They significantly edge
    Closer to the gold


    Edging closer to the gold, I reckon.
    ReplyAgree/Disagree/Etc. More... This Commenter This Thread Hide Thread Display All Comments
  13. @Big Bill
    "Do Mexicans Sometimes Pretend to be Someone Else?"

    Why yes, of course. Millions of Mexicans pretend to be Americans, and sometimes pretend to be Canadians.

    right on, especially since the so called Mexicans are the real Americans, besides the European Mexicans who invaded and stayed not only in current Mexico, wayyy, before the USA was a nation, in places like, ‘Nuevo Mexico” Tejas, Nevada, California, etc. with state’s names like that, I wonder why the discussion?

    Read More
    • Replies: @TheJester
    I agree. We are very close to a family from Mexico that has sacrificed dearly to become Americans. Once, out of frustration, the father declared they were going back to Mexico. Their son, after six years in American schools and enrolled in a series of Advanced Placement courses in high school, declared he was NOT going. He's American, he said, and America is his home.

    The son now has a degree in Architecture from a prestigious American university. He's married to a wonderful gabacha. And he has already exceeded anything he could have aspired to had the family stayed in Mexico.

    The entire family has prospects for a bright future as Americans ... who truly want to be American. No pretense here.

    , @anon
    Historic Mexico - the land conquered by Cortez, is actually just a small part of what is now Mexico today.
    ReplyAgree/Disagree/Etc. More... This Commenter This Thread Hide Thread Display All Comments
  14. TheJester says:
    @in the middle
    right on, especially since the so called Mexicans are the real Americans, besides the European Mexicans who invaded and stayed not only in current Mexico, wayyy, before the USA was a nation, in places like, 'Nuevo Mexico" Tejas, Nevada, California, etc. with state's names like that, I wonder why the discussion?

    I agree. We are very close to a family from Mexico that has sacrificed dearly to become Americans. Once, out of frustration, the father declared they were going back to Mexico. Their son, after six years in American schools and enrolled in a series of Advanced Placement courses in high school, declared he was NOT going. He’s American, he said, and America is his home.

    The son now has a degree in Architecture from a prestigious American university. He’s married to a wonderful gabacha. And he has already exceeded anything he could have aspired to had the family stayed in Mexico.

    The entire family has prospects for a bright future as Americans … who truly want to be American. No pretense here.

    Read More
    • Replies: @King George III
    Being and wanting to be are not quite the same thing.
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  15. @jack shindo
    Somos todos norteamericanos, yeh really, verdad que si.
    Mexico is in North America as opposed to South America

    Mexico is in North America as opposed to South America

    What is mean*

    Read More
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  16. anon says: • Disclaimer
    @in the middle
    right on, especially since the so called Mexicans are the real Americans, besides the European Mexicans who invaded and stayed not only in current Mexico, wayyy, before the USA was a nation, in places like, 'Nuevo Mexico" Tejas, Nevada, California, etc. with state's names like that, I wonder why the discussion?

    Historic Mexico – the land conquered by Cortez, is actually just a small part of what is now Mexico today.

    Read More
    • Replies: @uslabor
    okay.
    ReplyAgree/Disagree/Etc. More... This Commenter This Thread Hide Thread Display All Comments
  17. El Dato says:
    @Big Bill
    "Do Mexicans Sometimes Pretend to be Someone Else?"

    Why yes, of course. Millions of Mexicans pretend to be Americans, and sometimes pretend to be Canadians.

    But the fact that they don’t have feathers in their cap, leather shoes and are carrying tomahawk heat gives it away.

    Read More
    • Replies: @anon
    Then again with what little those people accomplished and made of the place, Mexicans would not bother to invite themselves to America.
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  18. El Dato says:
    @anon
    What gives children of illegal aliens - who are basically criminals - the "right" to a free education? The supreme court should be charged with treason.

    You besmirch yourself.

    Some confused left-leaning poet once wrote:

    When the sleigh is heavy
    And the timber wolves are getting bold
    You look at your companions
    And test the water of their friendship
    With your toe
    They significantly edge
    Closer to the gold

    Edging closer to the gold, I reckon.

    Read More
    • Replies: @anon
    I think you are edging closer to dementia sport.
    ReplyAgree/Disagree/Etc. More... This Commenter This Thread Hide Thread Display All Comments
  19. guanaca says:

    Salvadoran men are insanely jealous and hysterical…and unbearably stubborn; in mexico it’s the women who act this way…nobody wants to be compared to a Salvadoran man, not even a Nicaraguan.

    Read More
    • Replies: @Jim Bob Lassiter
    Guanaca, huh? Well I have always had some questions and doubts (as an amateur linguist of sorts) about some peculiarities in Salvadorean Spanish. Perhaps you can help.

    Regarding second person subject pronouns, I am quite proficient in the usages of usted, tú, vos, ustedes y vosotros(as) except when it comes to guanaco talk. (have lived and traveled in C.A. and been on extended vistis to Spain and Mexico. How is it that the same person in just two lines of a two party conversation can be referred to as usted, tú and vos? How fucked up is that?
    ReplyAgree/Disagree/Etc. More... This Commenter This Thread Hide Thread Display All Comments
  20. @TheJester
    I agree. We are very close to a family from Mexico that has sacrificed dearly to become Americans. Once, out of frustration, the father declared they were going back to Mexico. Their son, after six years in American schools and enrolled in a series of Advanced Placement courses in high school, declared he was NOT going. He's American, he said, and America is his home.

    The son now has a degree in Architecture from a prestigious American university. He's married to a wonderful gabacha. And he has already exceeded anything he could have aspired to had the family stayed in Mexico.

    The entire family has prospects for a bright future as Americans ... who truly want to be American. No pretense here.

    Being and wanting to be are not quite the same thing.

    Read More
    ReplyAgree/Disagree/Etc. More... This Commenter This Thread Hide Thread Display All Comments
  21. @guanaca
    Salvadoran men are insanely jealous and hysterical...and unbearably stubborn; in mexico it's the women who act this way...nobody wants to be compared to a Salvadoran man, not even a Nicaraguan.

    Guanaca, huh? Well I have always had some questions and doubts (as an amateur linguist of sorts) about some peculiarities in Salvadorean Spanish. Perhaps you can help.

    Regarding second person subject pronouns, I am quite proficient in the usages of usted, tú, vos, ustedes y vosotros(as) except when it comes to guanaco talk. (have lived and traveled in C.A. and been on extended vistis to Spain and Mexico. How is it that the same person in just two lines of a two party conversation can be referred to as usted, tú and vos? How fucked up is that?

    Read More
    • Replies: @guanaca
    In El Salvador, vos is the preferred second person form of conversation...instead of tu tienes, Salvadorans say vos tenes, with an accent on the last syllable, voz tenES...Salvadorans also use hubiese instead of hubiera for past perfect subjunctive...I think these are throwbacks to when we couldn't stop imitating the formal Spanish of our kind conquerors and it has developed into street slang...the use of tu is common in the written word, but not always. If someone uses tu in conversation they are thought to be Mexican.
    ReplyAgree/Disagree/Etc. More... This Commenter This Thread Hide Thread Display All Comments
  22. guanaca says:
    @Jim Bob Lassiter
    Guanaca, huh? Well I have always had some questions and doubts (as an amateur linguist of sorts) about some peculiarities in Salvadorean Spanish. Perhaps you can help.

    Regarding second person subject pronouns, I am quite proficient in the usages of usted, tú, vos, ustedes y vosotros(as) except when it comes to guanaco talk. (have lived and traveled in C.A. and been on extended vistis to Spain and Mexico. How is it that the same person in just two lines of a two party conversation can be referred to as usted, tú and vos? How fucked up is that?

    In El Salvador, vos is the preferred second person form of conversation…instead of tu tienes, Salvadorans say vos tenes, with an accent on the last syllable, voz tenES…Salvadorans also use hubiese instead of hubiera for past perfect subjunctive…I think these are throwbacks to when we couldn’t stop imitating the formal Spanish of our kind conquerors and it has developed into street slang…the use of tu is common in the written word, but not always. If someone uses tu in conversation they are thought to be Mexican.

    Read More
    ReplyAgree/Disagree/Etc. More... This Commenter This Thread Hide Thread Display All Comments
  23. anon says: • Disclaimer
    @El Dato
    But the fact that they don't have feathers in their cap, leather shoes and are carrying tomahawk heat gives it away.

    Then again with what little those people accomplished and made of the place, Mexicans would not bother to invite themselves to America.

    Read More
    ReplyAgree/Disagree/Etc. More... This Commenter This Thread Hide Thread Display All Comments
  24. anon says: • Disclaimer
    @El Dato
    You besmirch yourself.

    Some confused left-leaning poet once wrote:

    When the sleigh is heavy
    And the timber wolves are getting bold
    You look at your companions
    And test the water of their friendship
    With your toe
    They significantly edge
    Closer to the gold


    Edging closer to the gold, I reckon.

    I think you are edging closer to dementia sport.

    Read More
    ReplyAgree/Disagree/Etc. More... This Commenter This Thread Hide Thread Display All Comments
  25. Jeff77450 says:

    Re. illegal aliens pay taxes. Sure they do, but the real question is do they pay *in* more than they take *out*:

    http://www.discoverthenetworks.org/viewSubCategory.asp?id=196

    http://www.judicialwatch.org/blog/2011/04/most-illegal-immigrant-families-collect-welfare/

    http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2015/09/01/immigrant-welfare-use-report/71517072/

    What do illegal aliens *cost* the U.S.? Well, there’s the strain that they put on schools, the healthcare system, the criminal justice system, auto-insurance rates are probably higher because of them. We have to spend more on INS and the Border Patrol.

    Read More
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  26. uslabor says:
    @Jim Bob Lassiter
    It is not unheard of for a Mexican (when he's being booked after an arrest) trying to pass off as some other Latin American nationality.

    For what reason?

    Read More
    ReplyAgree/Disagree/Etc. More... This Commenter This Thread Hide Thread Display All Comments
  27. uslabor says:
    @Big Bill
    "Do Mexicans Sometimes Pretend to be Someone Else?"

    Why yes, of course. Millions of Mexicans pretend to be Americans, and sometimes pretend to be Canadians.

    Millions of us ARE Americans, from 1848 on.

    Read More
    ReplyAgree/Disagree/Etc. More... This Commenter This Thread Hide Thread Display All Comments
  28. uslabor says:
    @Brian Reilly
    In re the second letter: Of course you should treat the little wetbacks (er, I mean migrants) better than the children of citizens. Pay no attention to what The Mexican writes. In fact, a tiny number of wealthy people (the vast majority of them white and legal residents or citizens) pay a stunningly large proportion of taxes that The Mexican's compadres tap into. Give these people every opportunity to become disgusted with their treatment in the US, and return to their homelands.

    Their home lands? you mean, of course, Arizona, New Mexico, California, Texas, Nevada Utah, and part of Colorado?

    The best part is, despite their “treatment” here in the United States, many decide to stay and build lives, and businesses here, outworking competition to prosper, and multiply.

    Ordale’

    Read More
    ReplyAgree/Disagree/Etc. More... This Commenter This Thread Hide Thread Display All Comments
  29. uslabor says:
    @anon
    Historic Mexico - the land conquered by Cortez, is actually just a small part of what is now Mexico today.

    okay.

    Read More
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  30. Flemur says:

    I heard of one Mexican who pretends to be an advice columnist.

    Read More
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