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The Second American Revolution
An Utterly Objective Analysis

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The Revolution of 2019 began, curiously enough, in fall of 2019 when Mary Lou Johnson, the nine-year-old daughter of a ranching family outside of Casper, Wyoming, came home from her sex-ed class at Martin Luther King Elementary with a banana, a packet of condoms, and a book called Sally Has Two Mommies. Her mother Janey Lou, a political reactionary, took one look and began screaming. “Goddamit! Goddamit! I’m not going to take it anymore!”

She grabbed the shotgun, a nice Remington 870 loaded with double-ought buck, and headed for the school.

Historians would debate just what led the surrounding population spontaneously to join her. Much of it seemed to have something to do with the schools. One father reported that he snapped when his daughter came home during Harriet Tubman Week, and he asked her about Robert E. Lee.

“Who?”

Another father, objecting to students who wore low-hanging pants, said, “It’s supposed to be a school, not a frigging proctology workshop.” A common concern was that in a fifth-grade class on Lesbian, Bisexual, Gay, and Transgendered Rights, the teacher had criticized Primate Privilege, saying that animals had rights too. She then gave the class a pamphlet called Mommy Says Moo. Wyoming was cattle country. Local wives were wroth. They thought it an invitation to infidelity.

There then followed the now-infamous Near Death March, in which the entire faculty of the school was run across the Montana line by infuriated citizens wielding cattle prods. These, dubbed the Poor Man’s Taser, were then turned against anyone associated with the federal government. “The bastards won’t leave us alone. I’m gonna tase’m where the sun don’t shine. They’ll sail back to Washington in one hop like a damn electrified bull frog.”

The uprising, which had started locally with Janey Lou’s shotgun, began to spread both geographically and in its content. Apparently people were fed up with a lot of things. Nobody in government had noticed.

It is now agreed that the catastrophic events which followed occurred in part because Washington, which was celebrating American-African History Week, simply did not recognize the depth of resentment in the country. The city traditionally was inward-looking. Few knew exactly where Wyoming was. Their sources of information were chiefly talking heads talking to each other about each other.

By unfortunate happenstance, the Supreme Court had just issued its landmark decision that public display of the Bible contravened the constitutional prohibition of the establishment of religion. Mere possession, the justices said, would not be sufficient to trip the prohibition and lead to prosecution, but “a reasonable reticence in display” should be practiced. It was agreed that the Holy Book could be carried in a sealed bag with a child-proof lock. That this happened during Moslem Heritage Week further fueled ire among the intolerant.

The Court’s ruling had ripple effects unforeseen in the capital, as most things were. When the rebellion metastasized to Rosa Parks County (formerly Jackson County), Virginia, forty miles outside of Richmond, they were shocked. The provoking incident occurred in Sojourner Truth High School in a rural and not very Reconstructed county.

Specificallly, Johnny Loggins, in the tenth grade, had been issued a condom and, in the back of his African Civilization class, was discovered to be praying for a chance to use it. This also constituted an establishment of religion. He was arrested by several of the thirty-five police patrolling the corridors and remanded for psychiatric evaluation.

Runors flew, fanning the flames. The Democrats, having elected the first black president and then Hillary, the first woman, were said to be looking for a transvestite for 2024. In respect to 2032, the ominous word “trans-phylum” floated about. The people of Casper feared they might have a President who said “Arf.”

The insurrection went viral thanks to the internet. Incident followed incident. In Brooklyn on Sixth Avenue, seven teens between the ages of 21 and 28 beat to death a 95-year old white veteran in a wheel chair, shouting “Kill Whitey!” and “That’s for Travon!” and “White dude bleed a lot.” The chief of police undertook a thorough investigation. He reported that there was no evidence of racial motivation. Jesse Jackson said it was unfortunate, but white men in wheel chairs needed to learn not to attack black teenagers.

After an enraged mob of R-Cubed—the movement was now calling itself Rural, Retrograde, and Right, the Three Rs—had surrounded Columbia Teachers College and burned it, Washington recognized that things were getting out of hand. Reporters asked why the arsonists had, well, arsoned Columbia. An irate woman screamed:

“My kid is fifteen, can’t read, and doesn’t know who Thomas Jefferson was but he’s had three different classes on safe anal sex. I didn’t raise him to be an analphabetic butt-plug. Excuse me. I need to find a professor.” She left, brandishing her ball-bat.

Her assertion was not entirely implausible. A recent poll by the New York Times had showed that 87% of college freshmen, or freshpersons, couldn’t find the Pacific Ocean on a map of California, and fully 54% didn’t know what “Ocean” meant. (“Didn’t she sing with Grody Kate and the G-Spots?” asked one female junior.) Others couldn’t identify Jesus Christ, Mother Theresa, or George Washington, but were “sure or almost sure” that they were racists.

Washington was soon surrounded by R-Cubed insurgents, many of whom proved to be well-armed and with military experience. They soon revealed their true colors as homophobes. Rampaging, they burned gay bars such as Moby Dick and The White Swallow, shouting, “We don’t care where you stick it, but we don’t want to hear about it.” Much squealing and a mass exodus followed.

Surprisingly, it was Maxwell Birnbaum, inevitably know as “Ol’ Burn and Bomb,” who led the hous- to-house fighting. He was not a soldier, or ex-soldier, but a classics professor from the University of Virginia in Charlottesville. As the Three R’s fought their way through Arlington in the Virginia suburbs of Washington and reached Key Bridge, key to the city itself, Birnbaum told a reporter, “Twenty-five hundred years of European civilization, and we’re going to give it up to people whose Mothers Say Moo? Like hell we are. Did trilobites scuttle the Cambrian seas to bring us Clitler? Hillary, I mean. If they had known, they would have stopped reproducing. I won’t stand for it.”

The rest is well known. Congress in its entirely was slaughtered, and hung upside-down from lamp posts though, unlike Mussolini, they were not emasculated. It was pretty much agreed that they had taken care of this themselves long ago.

Peace returned. Janey Lou put away the shotgun, and made lunch.

(Reprinted from Fred on Everything by permission of author or representative)
 
• Category: Ideology • Tags: Feminism, Political Correctness 

28 Comments to "The Second American Revolution"

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  1. This is approximately why the gubmit will continue to allow for a homeschooling option. But it’s a beautiful dream.

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  2. The humor cannot hide the hate in this sick, silly fantasy of a twisted, paranoid mind. Fred must have been inspired by The Turner Diaries, the Neo-Nazi Bible. The memes of violent revolt against government, hanging on lamp-posts etc are dead giveaways.

    Amusingly, Fred always pretends that the true targets of his hate are on his side. Thus we have Professor Birnbaum leading the old stock white peasants with pitchforks.

    Martin Luther King Elementary…. Harriet Tubman Week…..American-African History Week….. Rosa Parks County (formerly Jackson County)……Sojourner Truth High School…..African Civilization class….

    I predict Fred’s last words will be along these lines. Sad…

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  3. I would rather read Fred Reed’s articles than be forced to endure a lecture or exercise put on by someone like Tim Wise or Jane Elliot. Talk about a couple of twisted minds!

    As you pointed out, this is a humorous piece. Take it with a grain of salt, or, better yet, just don’t read it; it’s not like you’re going to win a one-man war on opinions you don’t like. I’ve tried that, and it doesn’t work. Just have a beer instead.

  4. Nice to know Fred’s come out of the closet and outed himself as a neo-Nazi.

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  5. I don’t think I would classify Fred as a neo nazi. He is very fond of Jewish people. But he is a raging racist in regards to blacks.

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  6. “seven teens between the ages of 21 and 28″

    Gets right to the heart of the Newspeak. Pure gold.

  7. I used to love reading Fred, one of the few people in this country that seemed to have any sense, but the last few months he has gone off track. First there was a series of essays revealing his lack of knowledge about evolution, then he started on this one-track obsession about cultural and diversity. Nothing about ISIS or the Ukraine, but essay after essay where he makes fun of cultural diversity. Well, I tend to agree with him, of course Western culture is superior to African or Muslim, but he went off the deep end on this subject. Why anyone thinks gay marriage is going to lead to legalized bestiality is bey0nd me, that is just plain illogical. But this essay takes the cake for wacky. The Democrats nominate a black man for President and now a woman is their probable candidate in 2016 so now Fred says that a trans-phylum candidate is next? WTF? God forbid anyone should stray from having anyone but white males as leaders.
    But the dumbest thing he has ever done is this idea that Americans will revolt over this. Sorry, Fred, but your ignorant bible-beating rural folks make up a minority of the country. Most people live in urban areas and most people don’t think that gay marriage is the worst thing in the world, and while Americans should be mad over the state of education, and yes, black people need to shape up, our police forces need to stop being the Gestapo, and our economy needs to stop being a way of funneling money from the bottom 99% to the top 1%. And the endless wars need to stop, and the NSA and the rest of the deep state need to be flushed down the toilet. Only a damn fool cares about gay marriage the way Fred does.

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  8. Funny article, that touches more than a few real things happening. The Democrats are certainly looking for a homosexual and trans-sexual candidates for president after Hitlerly. Hilterly has the fat, old, bitter white liberal feminazi segment covered. My guess after Hitlerly, it will be a black, blind transexual who is handicapable, could be Hispanic. Or even some sort of vegetable.

    And education, that wonderful domain of liberal totalitarians that would make Stalin blush in envy, teaching kids everything but what they need to know. Who needs knowledge when we can celebrate diversity and why sue has two mommies and a “it” as parents. Or why it’s okay for freaky boys to use the girls bathroom, etc. The litany of abuses and absurdities of our children by the authorities grows every day.

    I am just surprised that folks haven’t already declared war on the teachers and administrators given the insipid garbage they have been forcing down the gullets of the future.

    Of course blacks preying on whites will continue to get glossed over by the white liberal MSM. Who cares if a gangs of blacks continue to prey on whites and destroy neighborhoods across the country. These yutes are cultural enrichers. Diversity is our strength remember that!!

  9. ” … ignorant bible-beating rural folks …”

    Gotta adore that open-minded, tolerant, respectful liberal mentality, so full of good will and neighborliness. You can really feel the love!

  10. Satire is difficult to write well as Fred demonstrates.

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  11. says:
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    The insurrection went viral thanks to the internet. Incident followed incident. In Brooklyn on Sixth Avenue, seven teens between the ages of 21 and 28 beat to death a 95-year old white veteran in a wheel chair, shouting “Kill Whitey!” and “That’s for Travon!” and “White dude bleed a lot.” The chief of police undertook a thorough investigation. He reported that there was no evidence of racial motivation. Jesse Jackson said it was unfortunate, but white men in wheel chairs needed to learn not to attack black teenagers.

    Unarmed white teen Dillon Taylor shot dead by black cop in Utah. Anti-white media doesn’t care.

    If this system is the new communism, sites like unz.com are the new Samizdat.

  12. Given the fact that Fred married a vibrant and takes funds from the gummint, it’s hard to believe him.

  13. says:
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    a pamphlet called Mommy Says Moo. Wyoming was cattle country. Local wives were wroth. They thought it an invitation to infidelity.

    I thought that was hilarious but then today I came across this article: What It’s Like to Date a Horse – http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2014/11/what-its-like-to-date-a-horse.html

    It must all burn, gentlemen.

  14. Criticisms of Mr Reed’s satirical hyperbole seem hypocritical in today’s society of political correctness.

  15. Yeah, not an example of his best work. And I say this as someone mostly sympathetic to Fred’s sentiments. But this piece is not so funny, not so imaginative either.

    Indeed nothing he’s written recently compares well to the Fred of 4-5 years ago. Maybe it’s time to retire.

  16. says:
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    Fred objects to white people being beaten to death, and gets called a “nazi” and “racist” for this outrageous proposal.

    With all due respect Fred, maybe one day you’ll learn that no matter how much you profess your Judeophilia, your love will be unrequited. Ask Geert Wilders and the Tea Party how their Judeophilia is working out for them.

    http://www.theoccidentalobserver.net/2010/10/kevin-macdonald-geert-wilders-unrequited-love/

    One would think then that Wilders would be popular among Jews, but he is not. It’s one thing to support Israel, but the problem is that he has the outlandish idea that Europe should be for Europeans and that immigration from Muslim countries should be halted.

    http://cnsnews.com/news/article/michael-w-chapman/rob-reiner-likens-tea-party-hamas

    the Tea Party is like the terrorist group Hamas, because apparently both groups are extreme and cannot be negotiated with, and the only solution is to make them go away or “eliminate” them.

    Wait, I thought “liberal” “atheist” Jews didn’t care about Israel, and were “diversity-loving Super Protestants” as Whiskey keeps telling us?

    That said, I admittedly can’t explain outliers like Sailer, Unz, Ford, Gottfried. I truly appreciate their courage and decency.

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  17. @anon, there are only two real types of antisemetism the judiaphobes and the judiaphiles.

    when someone tells me that jews are greedy and only look after their own, i can acknowledge it as a reality, i can explain some of its historical context, and depending on how i feel, i can justify, or at least rationalize and minimize it.

    but when someone comes up to me and say oh you jews are just born smarter than regular folks, i feel far more unease, and on a certain level much more threatened.
    followed by wondering how i managed to have the highest grades in my yeshiva being the only “non-ethinc” jew in my class.

    p.s. it’s pieces likes this that make me very hesitant to recommend this site to other people, i actually love all the stuff run on genetics and mapping out genetic populations, but this is just a bit of supremacist- race(master)bating

  18. How about ‘people are people’, and no generalization is absolute when it comes to people? That doesn’t mean that generalizations have no use, simply that you can always find a few exceptions.

    I suspect eschewing antisemitism may have some propaganda value in terms of convincing people you’re not a Nazi. Remember, they lost, and laid waste to most of Europe while they were at it.

  19. Addendum: Jews who only secondarily identify as Jews aren’t going to be big in Jewish organizations, for obvious reasons, and hence aren’t going to influence them in a big way. John Milius made pro-American movies, but he didn’t go around speaking for AIPAC. Murray Rothbard wrote for libertarianism, not for Commentary…

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  20. Considering Rothbard’s views on Israel, he would have been as welcomed in the pages of Commentary as Pat Buchanan in the pages of Frontiers (or Commentary for that matter)

  21. “I thought that was hilarious but then today I came across this article: What It’s Like to Date a Horse…”

    I thought Obama’s dad already found out about that

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  22. i love fred. its nice he is finally out of the closet. i hope he brought his guns out with him. interesting the number of neo nazis here who jump on ol’fred for his ‘marriage to a vibrant’? – you must have missed all the facs about how our mehican friends admit openly to their hate for our undocumented shoppers and all their friends. and oh my- he takes a paycheck from the gummint- when it’s his own money he paid them? science proves that genes show that some races are superior in some ways, but pointing that out is race-baiting? oh-k…. someday, when some asian writes the history of the fall of amurka (if the chosen tribe haven’t achieved their dreama of global dominance as yet) they will include the facts of zionist banking families as instrumental in the tactics of divide and conquer which led us to worship the magic negro instead of our christian savior. but perhaps, as others have said, the guilt trip bus is too easy for “intellectuals” to shove lazy whites onto- some of us won’t go out the back door quite as easy as you think.

  23. You’re pretty delicate little flower ain’t you Bliss?

  24. I’ve read quite a bit of Fred’s writings. No where do I see anything other than fact based writing with a twinge of humor.

    I know it is difficult but distribution of IQ is distribution of IQ.

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