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I am sitting today on the upstairs balcony, communing with our three useless but agreeable dogs and and ingesting the mortal remains of innocent grapes. I am conducting a veritable holocaust of grapes. It comes of following the news. My favored instrumentality of inebriation is Padre Kino, cheap Mexican red that you could remove barnacles with. Think of it as the poor man’s Lethe, a two-carbon Mickey Finn.

Trying times call for desperate measures. Things being what they are, immoderate sobriety suggests mental imbalance.

The Great Purple Father incites me to physics. I have spent the last half hour on the back of an envelope, trying to calculate the Schwartzschild radius of Detroit. In my current state it is too much for me.

This is not going to be an organized column. Deal with it.

When I was fifteen and read New Scientist, which was then well-written, someone wrote in and asked, “Why does a mirror reverse things horizontally, but not vertically?” A couple of weeks of discussion ensued with weird mathematical explanations. Really. It may be why I didn’t become a scientist.

The worthy grape cannot actually eliminate the horrors of today, such as Justin Bieber, but it can make them harder to remember. And absinthe makes the tart grow fonder, a service to the young.

Oh god, I feel poetry coming on.

Vatican, Vatican, shining bright/Are your cardinals transfinite?/ I wish I may, I wish I might/Trace my descent from a trilobite.

I rather like trilobites. I am a serious traditionalist, harking back to primeval seas. Cambrian arthropods at least had dignity. And if girl trilobites didn’t have very good legs, they had lots of them.

Obama. We should think about Obama. Some students of IQ have estimated his at 126 to 129. It’s hard to know. The first thing a president’s ventriloquists do is hide his tracks, SATs, IQ, and grades so as to make him an amorphous plastic concept suitable for sculpting. Actually, presidents do not exist. A “president” consists of four advance men, three pollsters, two speechwriters, and a partridge in a pear tree. No, I meant to say, two speechwriters, a make-up artist, a gestures coach, and assorted fixers.

You could do them in software—you know, a slider marked Firmness and Resolution at one end, and Compassion and Empathy at the other. Another saying Confidence-Inspiring Calm at one end and Human Emotionality at the other. Intelligence at one end, and Jes’ Folks at the other. Dial in a corn-pone accent for campaigning in the South, and, for Boston, make him honk through his nose like a Canada goose. Poll results would come in over WiFi and the software would adjust appropriate values.

The only part missing is three-D holography. Then, instead of spending fortunes on air fare to places like Beijing, we could email him as an attachment.

Anyway, Obama. A 128 IQ is respectable, well up in the 90th percentile, suitable for being a pretty good doctor, or student in a fairish university, or a door stop in Silicon Valley. There you find numbers like 190, which might be better for running a nuclear-armed country with pugnacious kindergarteners in Congress.

Now we come to CERN, which is Frog for Center European for Research Nuclear. Latins always talk backward like that. Anyway, under Switzerland CERN has a supercollider, which is like a huge hatband for a man with a round head, that cost more than a billion shaky green ones and makes subatomic particles go round and round and run into each other. Why would anyone in his right mind want to do it? Never has so much money been spent to make so little go so fast. (All right, for pickers of technical nits: It makes them go minutely faster but lots heavier.)

Anyway—the world is swirling strangely, must be some sort of gravitational flux—I wanted to tell you about a song to the Biggs Hoson, which is a sort of Heffalump particle, which if you go around the bush however many times, or the collider, you never find it, just its tracks. But the song is great.

Come to think of it, you could use Padre Kino as pretty fair rust-remover, I think. Or as anvil-dissolver. It poisons flies.

Onward. For the technically minded: I have found a way to make programmers obsolete. Yes. Mumbai will fall back into rag-picking and Google shares will tank, but there is no stopping progress. Anyway:

We can regard the entire memory, RAM and disk, of a computer as one long binary number. We set it to zero, and then increment it repeatedly by 1. This will eventually generate all possible memory states, and thus all possible programs, plus a great deal of trash.

We feed each state into a disassembler program, which will turn the binary into assembly language, LOAD, ADD, STORE, MDX, SPSW, that sort of thing. Then an identical computer will endeavor to execute the resulting code, to find out what it does. Most strings will do nothing at all. Many will do something useless, such as loop forever. These can be stored in a file for sale to the federal government.

Those remaining will be the set of all useful programs possible for the computer. It will be necessary only to catalog each with a description of its function. Then, instead of importing geeks named Khan and Wong to write programs that our increasingly useless young no long can, we just use a look-up table. See? It’s brilliant.

Skeptics will say that on a computer with a terabyte drive, there will be more than 1012 states and the process would take too long. Actually, more than 2 raised to 8 x 1012. Pfah! That’s what graduate assistants are for.

Padre Kino is said to lead to brain damage, causing psychosis and separation from reality. I’m hoping. It must be true. It seems to me this headline actually appeared in the Huffington Post:

Vaginal Knitting Is Here To Make Everyone Afraid Of Performance Art Once Again.”

ORDER IT NOW

If I were a woman, that would definitely make me afraid. I’m clearly delusional. The story seemed to say that some silly wench, one of those eternally-thirteen self-absorbed tediously-outraged feminists, stuffed yarn into her, uh, self, and now pulls it out, as if she were a spinning reel, to knit things. Wouldn’t a knitting bag be more comfortable?

This is happening in Darwin, Australia, which confirms all my fears about human evolution. The evolution part is right, but we got the direction wrong. And we think the English-speaking world is going to compete with China?

The delusions are coming on again. I am imagining that colleges are offering scholarships for video-gamer s. See? Padre Kino is like the better grades of peyote. Onward into the fog.

(Republished from Fred on Everything by permission of author or representative)
 
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  1. SFG says:

    A lot of the hyperintelligent brainiacs in Silicon Valley are way too Aspergery to understand people, and hence would not make good POTUSes.

    I do think it would be nice to come up with a sort of ‘curriculum for leaders’ with world history, geography, political science, economics, and so on, just so we don’t get complete idiots who have no clue in charge. But, who would make it?

    • Replies: @Anonymous
    , @rod1963
  2. Anon7 says:

    Regarding your adjustable president, Philip K. Dick had this to say in ‘The Simulacra’ in 1964:

    “He adjusted the n, the r and b knobs, and hopefully anticipated a turn for the better in the dire droning-on of the speech… however, no change took place. Too many other viewers had their own ideas as to what the old man ought to be saying, Vince realized. In fact there were probably enough other people in this one apartment building alone to offset any pressures he might try to exert on the old man through his particular set. But anyhow that was democracy.”

  3. Sean says:

    Awful article. Step it up a bit, Fred. This is not one of your better pieces.

  4. Padre Kino is said to lead to brain damage, causing psychosis and separation from reality. I’m hoping. It must be true

    Be careful Fred. The Native American pidgin for delirium tremens is “The snakes got him”

    That said, you’re not into an intermediate state of clairvoyance or you’d have stumbled across the connection between Obama, IQ & CIA:

    http://www.boilingfrogspost.com/2012/07/05/barack-obama-his-mother-and-the-cia/

    Insofar as ‘padre kino’ and Vatican (you should be still able to connect the dots) there’s nothing you’ve stumbled across the indigenous people didn’t see coming quite some time back:

    http://ronaldthomaswest.com/2015/04/22/junipero-serra/

    ^ But somehow I doubt praying to Saint Fifi is going to do much to change things and certainly won’t make CERN shut down before a black hole swallows us all or maybe that’s already happened? Could it be the black hole swallowed us is this thing called AEPS? (pronounced ‘apes’)

    http://ronaldthomaswest.com/2013/05/15/youve-got-apes/

    ^

  5. “I could Do Worse.”

    Please don’t.

  6. Truth says:

    Ignore the haters, Fredro, I’m on your side.

  7. Jim says:

    A mirror does not reflect either horizontally or vertically. A mirror reflects in the plane of the mirror.

    Do automobile tires turn clockwise or counterclockwise?

  8. Jim says:

    An IQ of 125 is probably about average for the US elite. It was about the average IQ measured for the defendents at Nuremberg. I think Kaltenbrunner had the lowest, 114 is what I remember. Schacht and Seyss-Inquart were both over 140 I think.

    • Replies: @Bill Jones
  9. Priss Factor [AKA "The Priss Factor"] says:

    “If I were a woman, that would definitely make me afraid. I’m clearly delusional. The story seemed to say that some silly wench, one of those eternally-thirteen self-absorbed tediously-outraged feminists, stuffed yarn into her, uh, self, and now pulls it out, as if she were a spinning reel, to knit things. Wouldn’t a knitting bag be more comfortable?”

    Ho’s are acting crazy because men have become a bunch of wusses.

    In a way, feminism is self-defeating. It calls for equal opportunity in the work place for women.
    But in boosting female narcissism and confidence, it makes women seek out men with good jobs and future.
    But if women compete for jobs with men, fewer men will have good jobs and that means fewer men will be appealing to women as partners in life. That means fewer families and fewer kids, and that means the death of a race.

    This is why the only real winners are the uber-successful male professionals. They do so well in the new economy that women still want to marry them.
    As for other men, they’ve become far less appealing.

    Maybe what the West(and East)needs is laws that favor men over women for jobs.

    Women may say this is unfair, but what is more important? Survival of a race or individual careerism?

    But then, consider this logic:
    Progs support affirmative action on the basis that constitutional principles are insufficient for a good society, right? If meritocracy were followed to a tee, some groups would be vastly over-represented while other would hardly be represented at all. So, for the good of society, there should be some aff-action to make all groups feel included.

    In other words, social unity and cohesiveness trump the iron principle of meritocracy and individuality.

    Then, the same argument can be made to favor men over women for jobs. It may not be meritocratic and individual-based, but it’s better for society as more men will have good jobs and be appealing as husbands for women. Women will lose out in the work place but will gain in the home place, and it is in the home place that the future of the race is ensured as new life is created through the family, not through factories or governments or books or TV shows.

    Men are disadvantaged vis-a-vis women in a crucial way.
    Women are respected as either workers or wives.
    But men must have jobs to win respect because women don’t wanna marry men without jobs, especially good jobs.
    So, things are not equal between women and men. Women have two equally viable options to be attractive as mates.
    Men have only one in order to be attractive as mates.
    So men should be favored in the work place.

    Indeed, many more women quit their careers to become wives/mothers, it is because they have that choice. They can win respect if they continue to work; they can win respect if they choose to be wife/mother. But men don’t have that choice. They can’t just quit work to be husband/father. No women will respect them. Society will call them ‘losers’.

    Racial survival comes before all else. If the men of a society cannot come together to ensure their own survival, they suck and deserve to die.

    • Replies: @Thomas
  10. “…as if she were a spinning reel…”

    Methinks Padre Kino meant to say, “…as if she were a spinning wheel…” You know, like in the Rumplestiltskin fairy tale?

    (But, in the context of this Alice-in-Wonderland-esque “article”, one can’t be sure.)

  11. @Jim

    Less than 150 isn’t worth mentioning.

  12. From now on, every time I go off, like a pinball machine, on a series of tangents, I’m going say, “See Fred Reed. He’s my Padre Kino connection.”

  13. Anonymous • Disclaimer says:
    @SFG

    If Obama’s test scores and grades were good, we would know it. It would be discussed ad nauseum. So it’s about a 98% chance they were average, as is he. I would guess his IQ is 110-115, judging from his off-TelePrompter moments.

    • Replies: @Eustace Tilley (not)
  14. Eustace Tilley (not) [AKA "Schiller/Nietzsche"] says:
    @Anonymous

    That’s a pretty good guess. Any “world leader” who believes there is a “president” of Canada and a language called “Austrian” is possibly even below 110. I am guessing Obama has an IQ equidistant between Einstein and a chimpanzee…let’s say, 109.

    It’s been said that Obama has never made a joke that hasn’t been fed to him by his handlers via his writers. The capability for spontaneous humor is highly tied to intelligence. I call as my witnesses Messrs. Thomas Jefferson, Samuel Johnson, Abraham Lincoln, John F. Kennedy, and, above all, Gore Vidal.

    A humorless ruler must be a programmed marionette, jerked around on the high stage of High State by Unseen Hands.

  15. Thomas says:
    @Priss Factor

    It is not about you, it is about race survival, right? “Gimme, gimme, gimme. Society/Race/Civilization will fall if I don’t get to loot.” Isn’t it the refrain of all freakish losers from all times and places?
    “Ho’s are acting crazy because men have become a bunch of wusses.”
    And the “ho’s” don’t find you “appealing”? You must be kidding. “Those ‘ho’s’ are uppity and don’t want me, the sky is falling, the horror, the horror, the humanities!”
    “But if women compete for jobs with men, fewer men will have good jobs and that means fewer men will be appealing to women (…)”
    The Bell Curve can be cruel, I hear. Don’t worry, there are welfare checks and plenty of ghetto chicks. You may not like their color (even if you have their outlook), but beggars can’t be choosers, I fear.
    “In a way, feminism is self-defeating.”
    It surely has defeated you, not a hard task, I guess.
    “But men don’t have that choice. They can’t just quit work to be husband/father. No women will respect them. Society will call them ‘losers’.”
    I see, “It is Society’s fault I am a loser, society owes me reparations, affirmative action…” Where had I heard this tune before? What is the difference but skin color?
    “If the men of a society cannot come together to ensure their own survival, they suck and deserve to die.”
    If a few useless men can come together and do anything useful, they suck and deserve to die, the race and the world will be better off for this. We don’t need even more dysgenic breeding, it does not matter the skin color involved, thanks.
    “So, for the good of society, there should be some aff-action to make all groups feel included.”
    There id welfare agencies, it is inclusion enough. I pay taxes, you are welcome.
    “But in boosting female narcissism and confidence, it makes women seek out men with good jobs and future”.
    Evidently, narcissism (“the ‘ho’s’ don’t like me”) and confidence should be monopoly of parasites.
    “Women will lose out in the work place but will gain in the home place, and it is in the homeplace that the future of the race is ensured as new life is created through the family, not through factories or governments or books or TV shows.”
    The future of the race is ensured when it can compete with races that still expect men to excell. A hint: Asians and Jews (here and elsewhere) don’t need (or expect) quotas and handouts: they study, they work, they save, they defer gratification. Go and do thou likewise, and all problems of our race will be solved. But maybe you should try your hand at the home place-only thing before, you probably won’t even need a quota or handouts for that. Maybe restricting yourself to breeding tasks (if quantity, not quality, is the thing) suits your skills.
    “Women may say this is unfair, but what is more important? Survival of a race or individual careerism?”
    What is more important? Productive workers or parasites? Competence or incompetence? Which makes us stronger?
    “as more men will have good jobs and be appealing as husbands for women.
    Ha, ha, ha. “If I loot real good and her only other option is starving, maybe she will look at me instead of someone productive”.

    • Replies: @Priss Factor
  16. What kind of knitwit invents crotch crochet?

    • Replies: @Wyrd
  17. rod1963 says:
    @SFG

    Gotta agree, imagine a spastic snake like Gates or a sociopathic Jobs with his total lack of impulse control and viewing people as marks to be conned. Or a vicious nerd like Zuckerberg – this guy has kick him in the crotch all day written on his snide face. Maybe Ellison with his monumental ego that dwarfs a Zeppelin. Naah.

    Others more technically brilliant than these bozos lack the basic people and communication skills to be effective in politics. Besides these guys love doing tech. You aren’t going to convince them to go into politics for nothing. You couldn’t pry them away from high tech, it’s in their blood.

  18. Wyrd says:
    @Ozymandias

    If you’re going to recklessly pun around here, you can go up to your room, young man!

  19. Priss Factor [AKA "The Priss Factor"] says:
    @Thomas

    https://youtu.be/5nJ0VNZWcvQ

    In a way, McGinnes is right, in a way he is wrong.

    It depends on how one defines ambition.

    When it comes to domineering professional ambition, men tend to be more intense. Why are there more male daredevils?
    But if we expand the meaning of ambition, women are ambitious in different ways.

    A woman feels a strong need for family-ambition or fambition.
    There are many kinds of power. One is rising in politics or the corporate world.

    The other is marrying a man of respect and wealth. And good looks and virility. Pride comes in having such a man as husband. Pride comes in having his seed in one’s womb. Pride comes in raising kids who will grow to be strong, beautiful, and successful in profession and/or family.
    So, when a woman quits her job to raise a family, it’s not so much rejection as a preference for a different kind of ambition–fambition.

    It’s like if a man quits a high paying job to become a writer, it isn’t necessarily rejection of ambition. It could be he is now ambitious about being a critic, artist, philosopher, or thinker.

    Family isn’t just about ‘domesticity’. It is about the future. It is about raising future kids of power. It is about pride of wife-hood(I have a great husband) and pride of motherhood(I love and feel proud of my kids).
    Children are a biological and cultural investment in the future.

    Also, whether one works or raises a family, one is living through others.
    A teacher lives through serving his/her students.
    A bus driver lives through serving his/her passengers.
    Every job is about providing service or goods to others.

    A woman who builds bikes is serving all those who needs bikes.
    A woman who creates and raises children is serving children of her flesh and blood.
    The latter seems more rewarding.

    Of course, some women love their jobs. Those are cool jobs but they are relatively rare. Most jobs are drudgery.
    This is true of men too. Most men have boring jobs. If they won a lottery and could live like aristocrats raising families and riding horses(and doing fun stuff), they would quit their jobs too.

    The problem is that feminist leaders tend to be successful women with cool jobs, and they think they are typical of womanhood. But your average woman is more likely to be a checkout cashier at Walmart that the CEO of Yahoo or some well-paid personality on TV.

    Another problem is the implosion of the middle class and working class. As it’s more difficult for men to find good middle class jobs, women don’t see them as good catches. A woman’s fambition comes from being married to a man of power and means. The elite class of men have the means to be show off as the kind of men whom women would love to marry and say “I’m so proud to have a man like my husband and it would be an honor to raise his children.”

    But in our ultra-narcissistic age of FIFTY SHADES OF GREY, how many men can offer that kind of package?

    • Replies: @Thomas
  20. Thomas says:
    @Priss Factor

    “A woman feels a strong need for family-ambition or fambition.
    There are many kinds of power. One is rising in politics or the corporate world.
    The other is marrying a man of respect and wealth. And good looks and virility. Pride comes in having such a man as husband. Pride comes in having his seed in one’s womb. Pride comes in raising kids who will grow to be strong, beautiful, and successful in profession and/or family.
    So, when a woman quits her job to raise a family, it’s not so much rejection as a preference for a different kind of ambition–fambition.”

    Let them do it, if they want it. We don’t need affirmative action for men to let women do what they want to do, are already doing and have done for millennia. My point is, we don’t need a law for that, we surely don’t need to subsidize (as The Priss Factor wants) male failure. We surely don’t owe The Priss Factors of the world to make them look more “appealing”- as he put it- or-let’s be frank here- less appalling to the fair sex. Specially not at the expense of efficiency and the rights and aspirations of a good chunck of half of mankind. We certainly don’t have to do it under the pretense, seized by parasites, that it will help “race survival” or something like that. I will repeat: people worried about “our race” should want it to be more capable, not less; more productive, not less; less plagued by dysgenic breeding, no more. Asian males and Jewish males succeed without quotas and handouts because they are expected to and they work hard. They-and their female counterparts- are the ones “our race” are competing with for the future. We are competing with China, South Korea and Israel, not Uganda and Zimbabwe.

    “Most jobs are drudgery (…) The problem is that feminist leaders tend to be successful women with cool jobs, and they think they are typical of womanhood. But your average woman is more likely to be a checkout cashier at Walmart that the CEO of Yahoo or some well-paid personality on TV.”

    Before Feminism, there were nurses, teachers, spinners, dancing girls, housekeepers, maids, secretaries, female factory workers, nuns and the occasional queen. Since Saul and before (“And he will take your daughters to be confectionaries, and to be cooks, …”, warned Samuel about Israel getting a king), some women work outside home while others don’t- and it’s OK-, may each one give his best as he/she sees it and be freely rewarded by the others. Life is mostly drudgery, at home and elsewhere, it is the price people pay for the good things, like family, art, Civilization itself. Let women-and men- decide which price they want to pay and for what. Anyway, power through a man is, on average, as an elitist proposition for women as power through a career is for men. Most men are Ralph Kramden, in looks, earnings and intelligence, and most women learn to accept it. Not every boy grows up to be president, and not every girl grows up to be First Lady.

    “But in our ultra-narcissistic age of FIFTY SHADES OF GREY, how many men can offer that kind of package?”
    More men than almost ever in History. Middle class societies as ours (barely still is) are recent developments. One way or another, the rule holds: high status men (be they the best hunters or the richest CEOs or People’s Commissars) and high status women (be they the youngest Playboy pin-ups or the oldest rich widows) tend to go together. In the old times, when “women knew their place”, their dads used to seek the highest bidder and close the deal for their daughters. Same difference. Papas are-with good reason- as concerned with good breeding and men of means as the pickiest marriageable woman is, they must be: it is their grandkids and their little daughters’ happiness we are talking about. Let’s not mention dowries and the like.
    “The implosion of the middle class and working class” is an important problem in itself and must be faced-if we really care about our neighbours and our society’s future-, but we must attack its economic causes instead of trying to hurt half of mankind out of spite.
    I repeat, neither men nor women profit by extending yet another subsidy-in name of “race survival”, but in fact out of spite for success and hard work- to the left side of the Bell Curve. One gets more of what ones subsidize, and we already got more dysgenic breeding than we can deal with.

    “A woman who builds bikes is serving all those who needs bikes.
    A woman who creates and raises children is serving children of her flesh and blood.
    The latter seems more rewarding.”
    If it were, I guess we, men, would be fighting for the part. But maybe it is rewarding for women; good, if it is so, they will choose it, the problem solves itself. For once, “Laissez faire et laissez passer, le monde va de lui même!” seems to be true. In fact, bus drivers and people who buid bikes serve-indirectly- everyone who benefits of the services or presence of people who commutes by bus or ride a bike- from the boss, who needs his workers, to the wife, who waits her husband’s arrival. In the same way, women who create and raise children indirectly serve the society at large. Let us allow people to find their gifts and serve society the best they can.

  21. Flemur says:

    “Why does a mirror reverse things horizontally, but not vertically?”

    Look in a mirror: your left side is still on the left, and the top of your head is still at the top.

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