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Fred for Dictator!
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If you were an evil dictator, would you mess with this man?

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Having recognized that the country is calling on me to restore order and common sense, and that my election as dictator is the last hope of Western Civilization, I hereby throw my sombrero into the ring. Below is a compact summary of the wise and forward-looking policies which will characterize my reign. Interposed are thrilling slogans that will throw you into an electoral frenzy.

Social Policy: On the day of my coronation, I will undertake a sweeping reform of society, beginning with radical feminists. We will hunt them with dogs. I will save a few and chain them in the Great Dismal Swamp, where they will poison the mosquitoes, allowing civilized people to catch catfish in comfort.

“The only thing we have to be A-fred of is Fred Hisself!!”

I will revive horsewhipping. This meritorious form of social encouragement will be applied liberally to anyone who says “microaggression,” “gendered,” “people of color,” “homophobe,” “trans-anything,” or “racism.” The ensuing silence will allow contemplation and reflection on higher things. The United States will then become a philosophical Clydesdale on a par with the ancient Athenians.

Erotic curiosities: I will persecute all sexual minorities I hear about. I don’t care what they do or with whom or what they do it: consenting sheep, each other, furniture, in groups, clusters, circles, with whips and chains, vacuum cleaners, involving any orifice known or to be discovered—as long as they shut up about it and do it where I don’t have to see it.

Education: After a week’s grace period—I am inherently moderate—membership in a teachers’ union will be a felony. There will be a death penalty to anyone prescribing Ritalin to the underaged; this will be carried out by starving army ants trained by the CIA in advanced interrogation techniques.

As for higher education, it will actually be higher. To begin with, all applicants to college will be required to go through Marine Corps boot camp, reconstituted to the standards of 1965. This will work miracles. Our pansified little darlings will then know what trouble is and not go all limp over Microaggressions.

l will declare departments of Victims’ Studies to be free-fire zones. They serve only to worsen race relations to a degree that would render the KKK ecstatic and to turn young women into sanctimonious twits on the intellectual level of a Klondike sled dog. The best solution may be napalm.

Better Fred than Dead! Probably, anyway

Military policy: I will cut the Pentagon’s handout by half. America can no longer afford to waste its engineering talent on whizz-kerblams and whoosh-booms for colonels in arrested development and, since the officer corps has no notion of how to win wars, it should find something else to do. A dozen very pricey aircraft carriers floating fiercely in circles do nothing to affect the economic growth of China, which nothing else we do will either.

I will assign the Five-Sided Wind Tunnel a new mission, namely the defense of the United States. If this novelty encounters resistance, I will require all general officers to report to work in tutus and toe shoes until they see the wisdom of my idea. Of course, these days many would probably like it.

All officers will be required to take an intensive course in geography. In this they will learn that America is that place between Mexico and Canada, with wet parts on both sides. This does not include any of Asia. Emphasis will be put on ignoring places that can defend themselves, surrender themselves, or simply go to hell in whatever manner they choose: Afghanistan, Pakistan, Syria, Iraq, Israel, Libya, Iran.

Tippecanoe and Frederick too! Not sure Tip’s available, though

Racial policy: I will not have one. I will judge people without regard to race, color, creed, or national origin, except Moslems, who are nothing but trouble everywhere. Yes, I will judge all by the content of their character, not the color of their skin. Looters will actually be arrested or, more inspirationally, shot. This will probably triple the prison population, which I will offshore to Guatemala.

I will end racially discriminatory polices like affirmative action on the principle that if you are good enough, you don’t need it, and if you need it, you aren’t good enough, and thus a parasite. If being required to be able to read to graduate from college disproportionately affects some people, then they can damned well disproportionately learn to read. Merry Christmas.


Medical care. I will institute national medical care copied from the systems in Japan and France, which actually work. Any conservative who objects will be forced to stay in the same room with Rachel Maddow until he recants. It will be faster than water-boarding. Few could stand it for more than ten minutes.

Jews: They will be required to pay reparations for Pearl Harbor, which was a Zionist plot. This is a historical fact. Pilots on their bombing runs were heard on the radio to shout, “Torah! Torah! Torah!” I will offer Israel three aircraft carriers in exchange for epoxying a large cork in the mouth of Benjamin Netanyahu. The entire earth will then love the United States.

Further, it is well known that Jews sacrifice Christian children. As the former proprietor of two adolescent girls, I regard this as a valuable public service, and will suggest franchising it.

Fred! (Well, Buckwheat, you got a better idea?)

You want to elect this? You gotta be kidding. She probably went to high school with Archaeopteryx, which was better looking.

You want to elect this? You gotta be kidding. She probably went to high school with Archaeopteryx, which was better looking.

More on education. College graduates will be tested to see whether they can write an essay of fifty words with fewer than thirty gross grammatical errors and forty misspellings. They will also be required to find the Pacific Ocean on a map of the Hawaiian Islands. Math majors will have to demonstrate that they can count to five hundred. Failure will result in confiscation of cell phones until the deficit is rectified. This should spark an academic renaissance bordering on hysteria.


Foreign policy: Each year the mothers of the graduating class at Harvard will be strapped to the undercarriage of forward-deployed Black Hawk helicopters. This should reduce the martial enthusiasms of the influential but useless classes. The mothers will be fed while strapped, though — I don’t want to seem unreasonable.

Journalism. I will have the staff of National Review chained to their counterparts at Salon, and dropped into the remote Pacific after being doused in shark attractant. All the racially prissy, narcissistic bonbons at the Washington Post will spend a year in a bad section of Newark. Their children, if any, will attend local schools. I don’t care what they conclude — Left, Right or, barely conceivably, intelligent. I am just, from the goodness of my heart, trying to give them the background for informed commentary.

Congress. After three terms in the House, or one in the Senate, the incumbents will be taken out and shot. This is no more than term limits, and will ensure that only those serious about serving the country will run for office. The rest will run from it.

Women making false claims of having been raped. I will have them boxed, gift-wrapped, and delivered to a remote Afghan army base. This will retroactively make them honest women. Very honest.

Genital mutilation of young girls. The fathers who allow it will be publicly castrated by rabid wolverines and then shipped to Uganda where they will be stuffed for a week into the bottom of a public latrine. Should they return and offend again, or return at all, I will be forced to take extreme measures.

I await the plaudits of a grateful nation.

(Republished from Fred on Everything by permission of author or representative)
• Category: Ideology • Tags: 2016 Election, Political Correctness 
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  1. whorefinder says: • Website

    Screw off, dick; you already are completely for amnesty for illegals, and then claimed that us poor weak whiteys can’t and won’t do any of the tough ol’ Mexicans work any more, so deportation will never happen, neither will a wall, wusses.

    Weak gringo/strong mexicano. We got it, ya gone-native prick.

    Not to mention your denials of statistically-verified Mexican rape policies. You sound like a leftist: ” Well, I’ve never met a Mexican child molester, so the statistics are bogus!”

    And now commie medical care. What a maroon.

    Just stay in your 3rd world heck hole where you’ve gone native. Heck, keep saluting your lord and savior Obama: making America more like your 3rd-world Mexican rape-hole of a home every day.

    In conclusion, get fucked. And Ron, fire Fred the Traitor. Don’t worry; he’ll have a nice home at the National Review, the cuck.

  2. Hey Fred! Enjoyed it immensely. I do have one observation though. I think regular wolverines would work just fine and they wouldn’t need to be replaced as often. I’m a frugal guy. Loved the picture, especially the smallish bottle of Bud. Let me know when you will be invading, I’ll buy the good bourbon.

  3. Priss Factor [AKA "The Priss Factory"] says: • Website

    I run for dictator too.

    1. Round up the bad Jews and spank them until the repent. To avoid accusation of ‘antisemitism’, let the good Jews spank the bad Jews.

    2. Give Negroes their own nation. Reparation and repatriation.

    3. Ban homo parades and agenda.

  4. Thank you, I needed a good laugh.

    @#1… Lighten up already, sheesh! Also… maroon is a color.

    • Agree: Stubborn in Germany
  5. How bout the FED fred. Wall Street? Piece of shit cops?

  6. Vendetta says:

    Unwad the panties from your ass and go bark outside. The right does not need its own inverse SJWs trying to sic the dogs on anyone who thinks for themselves.

  7. His Excellency, President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Frederick Reed, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas and Conqueror of the American Empire in Central America in General and Mexico in Particular,

    May your modesty, mildness and fairness be an example for aspiring dictators.

  8. Renoman says:

    Wow, a lot of folks with no sense of humor out there, time to calm down. Fred was only funnin you.

  9. I’m in. How do I contact your PAC?

  10. You could condense all of these down to one maxim. Let true meritocracy rule. Restore legitimate testing for employment, college admission etc. No more essay section on SAT. No more quotas. Let the chips fall where they may. This would immediately “disempower” the undeserving and with them the incessant whining and general freakishness that pervades what passes for public discussion today.

  11. Realist says:

    All good but also build a southern border wall and deport all illegals….Fred would like that.

  12. Oaklanders says: • Website

    Grant independence to Puerto Rico. Legalize bullfighting. Criminalize obesity.

    • Replies: @tbraton
  13. Dorde says:

    ” Fred…because!”

  14. tbraton says:

    To quote my hero “Barney” from “The S_____s,” I’ll drink to that.” (Burp.) But I have one question with regard to the plank in your platform re sex: what is your position with regard to straight sex? Or, realizing that you are now a politician who likes to talk out of both sides of your mouth, I should rephrase that question: what is your favorite position when it comes to straight sex? Good luck with your campaign.

  15. tbraton says:

    “Grant independence to Puerto Rico. Legalize bullfighting. Criminalize obesity.”

    I agree with the first two parts of your three part platform, but the third one sounds a little harsh to me. Why not a requirement that the criminally obese register as “bulls”? That seems a little more humane to me, and you might attract the bull voting bloc with a platform like that.

  16. Wyrd says:

    Fred Reed for God-Emperor!

    Pot in every chicken!

    40 mules and an acre!

  17. Let’s have this cleared up: is your candidacy of Fred Reed, or Red Freed?

    ( winks & grins )

  18. Wyrd says:

    Let’s have this cleared up: is your candidacy of Fred Reed, or Red Freed?

    (Brother Dave)Yes, Beloved!{/Brother Dave}

  19. Macilrae says:

    Who was it said “Americans don’t get irony?”

    • Replies: @Wyrd
    , @tbraton
  20. Wyrd says:

    Who was it said “Americans don’t get irony?”

    Some no-account Yankee named Lincoln, probably.

  21. Gene Su says:

    Fred , sweetie, you got my vote if you ever choose to run for office.

    More sane suggestions I would have:

    1. Make all schooling non-compulsory. Make the system easier so that children can drop out of school and come back any time they wish.
    2. Fire all of the bureaucrats who work in the Fed, IRS, social services, social security, etc. Better yet, place thousand dollar bounties on them.
    3. Get rid of ALLLLLLL welfare … including all the stupid corporate bailouts we give of massive corporations.

  22. “sanctimonious twits on the intellectual level of a Klondike sled dog”???

    Hey! Both my sled dogs can read and write! Or, did you mean Klondike bar?

  23. @Threecranes

    No more essay section on SAT.

    ?? How about just “no SAT”? If you insist on a test, the ACT is by far superior. The SAT is just a money-making scheme.

  24. tbraton says:

    “Who was it said “Americans don’t get irony?” ”

    Well, the Germans certainly get irony. Wasn’t it Bismarck who had a proclaimed policy of “blood and irony” back in the 19th century?

  25. @whorefinder

    Actually the health care systems do work better in Japan and France, especially for your average citizen. No point in even arguing with you a-holes about it, however.

  26. Max Payne says:

    I miss Saddam Hussein.

  27. Priss Factor [AKA "The Priss Factory"] says: • Website

    Fred Fred Cabbage Head.

    Here’s some subtle way of dealing with Negroes:

    Truth: Blacks steal and commit lots of crimes, certainly more than other races do. But in Politically Correct America, you are not supposed to say that because truth is condemned as ‘racist’. So, what do Liberals do in posh gentrified parts of the city where privileged ‘progressives’ shop? They resort to subtle tactics and methodologies to spot the black thieves and trouble-makers.
    It’s all very amusing actually.

  28. Anonymous • Disclaimer says:

    I stopped read after Fred said he would throw his sombrero in the ring. Fred has completely lost touch with America.

    Worry about Mexico, Fred. You are no longer an American, therefore your opinions are irrelevant.

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